One-Liner Jokes

Username!

Firstly, a famous joke with a bit of Irish at the end of it.

Baby balloon had got into a bad habit
He kept sharing the bed with Daddy and Mammy Balloon
Daddy Balloon was not amused
He devised a plan
He put Baby Balloon to bed
Then when Mammy and he went to bed
He tucked the blankets in tight
and put pillows down the bed sides
Baby Balloon woke in the middle of the night
As usual he tried to get into Mammy and Daddy's bed
He couldnt squeeze in no matter how hard he tried
He hatched a plan
He reached in and let out some air from Daddy
he still couldn't fit in
He reached in and let out some air from Mammy
He still couldn't get in
In desperation
He let out some air from himself
At last he was able to slip into bed with Mammy and Daddy
In the morning they all woke up
Daddy balloon was furious
I am so disappointed in you Baby balloon
You let me down...
You let Mammy down...
and most of all you let yourself down!

And if you do it again I'll bleeding burst ya!

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There was two mince in the hotpress, which one was the soldier?
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The one on the tank

There was a carn full of flies, which one was the dirtiest?
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The one on the horn!

And I'm spent!

justmum

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One. They'll screw anything.


How do you confuse a blonde?
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Put her in a round room and ask her to find a corner.

poindexter

whats brown and looks in your window??




a nosey ****e.

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for the scottish among us


what do you call a guy half in and half out his front door?

Hamish

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i'll get ma coat:P

whitey21

Q.What do you call a man hiding in a bush????


A.Russel

marcsignal

Q: How do you know ET was a pro-life non smoker ?

A: because he looks like one....

Fizman

Where did Hitler hide his armies?

Up his sleevies.

Himself08

I was driving down the road the other day when I got pulled over by a police man. he roared at me.....this is a one-way street, did you not see the arrows??....... me: I didnt even see the Indians!:):D

dak

Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
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A. They thought their father was an awful boar.

marcsignal

Q: Whats the difference between a Mercedes and a Volvo ??

A: Lady Diana wouldn't have been seen DEAD in a Volvo.....

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Siemens have launched a new microwave oven for the German Market

It seats 500

chaotic_vr

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A little boy falls into the mud

Wanna hear a clean joke?

He takes a bath with bubbles

dak

Q? What do you call a jailor who gives prizes ?
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.A: Awarder

marcsignal

Q: What do you call a woman with all of her love removed ?

A: A wife

opelmanta

Whats pink and hard??

A pig with a flick knife!

Stabshauptmann

Fizman wrote: »

Where did Hitler hide his armies?

Up his sleevies.

You dont understand the joke. Its where did Napoleon hide his armies.

dak

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)?
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A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

dak

The Irish SAS have parachuted into Mumbai Zoo and freed all the ostriches.

It BeeMee

As I sat in the doctor's waiting room, it struck me there are some sick people in this world.

mitch marie

boy walks uo to girl....
"how heavy is a polar bear?"
....."heavy enough to break the ice!"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar; barman says, "What is this, some kinda joke...?"

dak

Your momma so fat, when she goes to the aquarium the whales sing "WE ARE FAMILY."

dak

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
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A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog

dak

Question: What is better than roses on a piano.
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Answer: Tulips on an organ

dak

What do you call a man with a very small penis?
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Justin!

RaverRo808

Dak my friend,your jokes are some of the worst Ive ever heard,and Ive heard some stinkers

Hagar

RaverRo808 please read the Charter before posting. Thank you.

Poor Uncle Tom

Just heard about the insomniac dyslexic atheist...........

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog..!

Dave5

Joke about Liverpool FC fans:

Q: What do you say to a Liverpool fan with a job?

A: I'll have a Big Mac and fries, and make it snappy!

fobster

What Christmas carol do Hindus sing?

We vishnu a merry Christmas
We vishnu a merry Christmas
We vishnu a merry Christmas
And a happy new year

Capt'n Midnight

abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz

Loveless

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, and says "Make me one with everything."