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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife went to the Caribbean with her parents.

    Jamaica ?


    No, she wanted to go.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,441 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

    I'll let you know.....



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I can’t believe how rude the suppository help line was!



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Sir Ian Wilmut, the man who led the team that created Dolly the sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell, has died aged 79.


    'A minor inconvenience,' he told reporters later.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

    Anna one, Anna two!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Cinderella a terrible footballer ?

    Because she kept running from the ball.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Cinderella a terrible footballer ?

    Because she had a pumpkin as a coach.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

    He felt his presents!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I have the worst thesaurus.

    Not only is it bad, it’s bad.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Follow the fresh prints.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.” - Emo Philips

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ..



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” Tim Vine (2014)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?


    Juan.” Dan Antopolski (2010)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “What do you call three members of ABBA in a French slaughterhouse? ABBA trois.” Darren Walsh (2016)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I had a friend call Iain. Two ‘i’s… to go with the face.” John Kearns (2014).

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.” Gyles Brandreth (2015)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,613 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive when you got here.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I was infatuated and obsessed with this much younger woman so one day I decided to chat her up…………. Where have you been all my life ? She replied for the most part of it I have not been around.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Sad to hear the inventor of predictive text has died.


     


    His funfair is next monkey.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw the Grim Reaper walking around our streets the other night.

    I decided to put up a 20ft by 20ft net outside the back gate to catch him


    Had the council here this morning telling me to take it down as it was a death trap

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My lad came over to me and asked "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"


    I replied, "Yes, we arson."



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A guy walks into a bookshop and says "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare"

    The shop assistant asks "Which one?"

    The guy replies "William"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,441 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre




  • Registered Users Posts: 8,254 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Read in this morning's paper, that the comedian Russell Brand is being investigated in connection with various sexual shenanigans.

    I was shocked, I never knew he was a comedian.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 733 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Amateur golfer talking to the golf pro says


    ”I think my problem is I’m too close to the ball when I tee off”.


    The pro replies


    ”The problem is your too close to the ball after you tee off”



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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,930 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Been humming a Kylie Minogue song all morning.

    I just can't get it outta my head.



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