The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

awesom_o · 12-02-2011 5:03pm

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.

thee glitz · 12-02-2011 5:20pm

fred funk }{ wrote: »

A girls walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gave her one.

fyp

Logfire · 12-02-2011 6:13pm

7 dwarfs in a bath. They are all feeling happy.
When happy gets out, they are all feeling grumpy.

BOHtox · 12-02-2011 6:18pm

briscotti wrote: »

does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

:pac:

what?

scotty_irish · 12-02-2011 6:26pm

what do women and hurricanes have in common? when they come they're wet and wild. when they leave they take your house and car.

laoisforliam · 12-02-2011 6:27pm

knock knock
Whos there?
Big ish
Big ish who?
Na im alright mate...

Scartbeg · 12-02-2011 6:33pm

Mickey Mouse is at his attorney.

"Look Mr Mouse" says his attorney, "you can't get a divorce from your wife Minnie just on the grounds that she has buck teeth".

"No, that's not what I said", replies Mickey.

"I said she was f**ing Goofy!"

rainbowdrop · 12-02-2011 6:48pm

Ahh, gotta love the anti-jokes:D

What was Anne Franks favourite hiding place?

She only had one, so she was unable to pick a favourite

When Scuba Diving, why is it important that you fall out of the boat backwards?

Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat

Did you hear about the foetus who met a clothes hanger?

I doubt very much that you did.....

_____________________________________________________________

What's worse than a bee sting?
2 bee stings......

What's worse than 2 bee stings?
The holocaust.....

What's worse than the holocaust?
3 bee stings.....

______________________________________________________________

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Some poem's rhyme
But this one doesn't

fred funk }{ · 12-02-2011 6:58pm

One day a man walked into a bar with a crocodile on a leash and a baseball bat under his arm. The barman told him he couldn't bring the croc into the bar but the man protested telling him that he was no ordinary croc and that the croc could do the most amazing trick.

The barman asked to see this amazing trick and said that the croc could stay if the trick was a good one, so the man then proceeded to belt the croc over the head with the bat, the croc jumped up and did a triple somersault......landed........did a little tap dance then pulled down the mans fly and gave him blowjob. The barman was amazed and asked could he try, the man said of course you can. So the barman belted the croc over the head with the bat and as before he jumped up......did a triple somersault.....landed.....did a little tap dance.....unzipped the barmans fly and gave him a blowjob.

Watching all of this with great excitement from the corner of the bar was a fella who was as camp as a field of tents. He walked over to the man asked him could he have a go, the man reluctantly said yes, with that the fella leaned forward and said "Don't hit me too hard".

senorwipesalot · 12-02-2011 7:11pm

My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

not like his three screaming passengers.:D

Rocky_Dennis · 12-02-2011 7:16pm

Midget woman goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor, I've got an itchy fanny"
He lifts up her skirt, gets a scissors and goes snip snip. He asks
"is that better"
"A bit better doc but its still itchy" So the doctor lifts up her skirt again and goes snip snip snip snip.
"Is that better"
"Yes doc, fantastic, what did you do?
The doctor replies "I cut the fur off the top of your ugg boots"

Big foots diick · 12-02-2011 7:24pm

I got fired from my job as a mattress tester today. But i wont take it lyin down.

fivestar · 12-02-2011 7:27pm

Paddy Englishman Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "what's this a joke?"

:D:D

Hurricane-Dean · 12-02-2011 7:34pm

A priest goes to a rodeo and sees that they have a bull riding challenge and decides to enter. A big crowd gathers around as the priest steps up. He wins and even sets a new record. He was asked how did he manage to hold on for so long and he replies

Epileptic choir boys

Aldebaran · 12-02-2011 7:41pm

Two whales go up to the bartender.
The bartender asks them what they want.
The first whale says, "WOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
The second whale says, "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk."

ynul31f47k6b59 · 12-02-2011 7:53pm

Apologies if any of these have been posted before:

Did you hear about the man caught w*nking in the newsagents?

It was all over the papers!

A kn*cker goes to the chemist and asks for aspirin. The chemist gives him his order and he leaves. The chemist realises he's given him arsenic, not aspirin. He runs out after him and catches up, says "sorry mate, I've given you arsenic instead of aspirin." The kn*cker replies "what's the difference?"

The chemist replies "you owe me another euro"

A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his bag. His teacher is very puzzled and asks, "Tommy, what is your cat doing at school today?"

Tommy replies "I heard the postman telling Mammy 'when your kids go to school I'm going to eat your p*ssy' so I wasn't taking any fcuking chances!"

Man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bum. The man asks "well, does it look bad?" The Doctor replies -

" I think that's just the tip of the iceberg"

yuloni · 12-02-2011 9:07pm

This post has been deleted.

justified · 12-02-2011 11:32pm

A man goes to the doctor to have some routine tests done. Later on the doctor calls him back.

Doctor:Unfortunately I've 2 bits of bad news.

Firstly I'm really sorry but you have cancer and you only have 2 weeks to live.

Man: oh god thats terrible oh no.. whats the other news?

Doctor: You have alzheimers

Man: Ah sure thats not too bad, at least i don't have cancer!

Ken. · 13-02-2011 12:54am

2 aussies sitting in a bar and the first aussie says to the second i'm thinking of getting a dog,second aussie says what breed,first aussie says a golden labrador, second guy says **** no,

dont get one of them have you seen how many of thier owners go blind

lolie · 13-02-2011 2:19am

3 paddies who spent months workin on top of a skyscraper sit down for lunch, 1st paddy opens his lunchbox and fed up says if i have jam sandwiches for lunch one more day i'll jump over the edge, 2nd paddy opens his lunchbox and says if i have cheese one more day i'll jump as well, 3rd paddy opens his lunchbox and says if i have egg sandwiches more day i'm jumping too. next day at work come lunch time 1st paddy opens his lunchbox and sure enough he has jam sandwiches and jumps from the skyscraper, 2nd paddy opens his lunchbox and sees the cheese sandwiches and jumps of, 3rd paddy open his lunchbox and sees the egg sandwiches and jumps of as well. at the funerals a few days later the wives get talking, first wife says if only i'd known i wouldnt have made him jam sandwiches every day. 2nd wife says and if only i'd known paddy hated cheese sandwiches. they look at the 3rd wife who says 'dont look at me, my paddy always made his own sandwiches'.

Porkpie · 13-02-2011 3:43am

So I gave up cold turkey.......

snickerpuss · 13-02-2011 3:48am

What's pink and hard?

Maths Paper Two

Porkpie · 13-02-2011 3:49am

A guy sitting in a bar suddenly announces to everyone "all lawyers are assholes", to which another guy sitting at the bar replies

"hey, I happen to resent that remark!".

First guy asks "why, are you a lawyer?", other guy replies "no, i'm an asshole".

Dolph Starbeam · 13-02-2011 2:09pm

Larry Murphy is up in the mountains with a girl, the girl says "it very scary up here at night time isn't it?", Larry replies "i don't know what your scared about i've to walk home on my own".

bodhrandude · 13-02-2011 2:22pm

A Glasgow joke
How dae ye make a Weegie Bored (Ouija board)?
Take away his Valium and his playstation.

CarrickMcJoe · 13-02-2011 2:31pm

Why are the palms of a black mans hands and soles of his feet white?

Because he was stood against the wall when he was been sprayed!

tfitzgerald · 13-02-2011 2:36pm

Is there any was of removing these spoilers if you are useing an iphone

Cybertron85 · 13-02-2011 3:12pm

Why was Smurfette barred from the village?

She was giving the men blue balls.

I slipped on the ice during that latest cold spat, when I got up my wallet and phone were gone.

Turns out it was black ice.

Tayla · 13-02-2011 3:21pm

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses

yuloni · 13-02-2011 3:42pm

This post has been deleted.

matchthis · 13-02-2011 4:16pm

tfitzgerald wrote: »

Is there any was of removing these spoilers if you are useing an iphone

Copy the spoiler and paste it in google search bar and it'll show

bodhrandude · 14-02-2011 2:09am

One appropriate for the Irish situation atm.

Whats black and knocks at your door?

The Future
Har har har har har haaaaaaaargh ghhhhtuuunnnnnnnk!

Horse_box · 14-02-2011 7:43am

Did you hear about the guy who couldnt take a glass container of his fathers' ashes into the football ground?

I mean, it's coming to something, when you can't even take a bottle of pop to the game...

Rick Deckard · 14-02-2011 5:52pm

Drum set falls off a cliff.

Ba dum, tish

murray sparkle · 14-02-2011 6:16pm

An 8 year old and a 10 year old decide to get married. She says to himself 'You'd better ask my father'.

So Johnny goes to Rebecca's father and says " Mr. Murphy, I'm in love with Rebecca and I'd like to marry her".

Mr. Murphy thinks this is hilarious so he decides to have a bit of fun with Johnny.

" Now Johnny, my daughter is used to living in the lap of luxury, where would you live when you get married?" he said

Johnny replied "Well Mr. Murphy, I'm 10 and Rebecca's only 8, we're only small and we wouldn't take up that much room, so we thought that we would live in Rebecca's room".

Alright then, thought Mr. Murphy. I'll try him with this one.

"Johnny, where do you plan to get the money to keep my daughter in the style she's accustomed to?

Johnny replied "Mr. Murphy - I'm 10 and I get a tenner a week pocket money. Rebecca is 8 and she gets eight quid a week. That's 72 euro a month and that's more than enough for the tow of us"

Mr Murphy was getting flustered at this stage - so he decided to really put Johnny to the test

"And what about children Johnny, have you thought about that yet?"

Johnny replied "Well Mr. Murphy I'm 10 and Rebecca's only 8 so I'm just gonna keep on riding her up the a*** for the moment"

McChubbin · 14-02-2011 6:46pm

God had just about finished creating the universe but he had two extra items left in his bag of goodies. So he decided to divide them between Adam and Eve.
"Right" said God "the first thin I have to give is the ability to urinate whilst standing."
Adam put his hand up straight away. "Oh, please, God! It would make me so happy to pee standing up. I could go anywhere! Life would be so wonderful."
God said to Eve: "Have you any objections if I grant this ability to Adam?"
"No" shrugged Eve. "If it makes him happy."
"Okay, Adam, it's yours." said God.
Adam was thrilled and danced around excitedly before testing out his new talent behind a tree.
"Now then.." said God, reaching into his bag of goodies; "What's left here. Ah yes.

Multiple orgasms

".

What's the best thing about schizophrenia?

It turns a **** into an orgy.

shrubs · 14-02-2011 7:06pm

Why are physicist bad at telling jokes timing.

kingtut · 14-02-2011 7:20pm

tfitzgerald wrote: »

Is there any was of removing these spoilers if you are useing an iphone

rofl :pac:

Galway K9 · 14-02-2011 11:18pm

Why do Psyhciatrists give their patients shock treatment?

Spolier: To prepare them for the bill!

staker · 14-02-2011 11:25pm

Two lesbians in a bath,one goes "Where's the soap?"
The other smiles and replies "Does,doesn't it?"

Galway K9 · 14-02-2011 11:39pm

staker wrote: »

Two lesbians in a bath,one goes "Where's the soap?"
The other smiles and replies "Does,doesn't it?"

I dont get this..ha

Podge2k7 · 14-02-2011 11:46pm

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I have alzheimers,
Cheese on toast....

staker · 14-02-2011 11:47pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

I dont get this..ha

Read the question out loud and forget about the apostrophe...

Rick Deckard · 14-02-2011 11:51pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

I dont get this..ha

think of the old marathon changing to snickers ad

Galway K9 · 14-02-2011 11:52pm

staker wrote: »

Read the question out loud and forget about the apostrophe...

hahahaha....i still dont get it!!!help!

Standard Toaster · 14-02-2011 11:53pm

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja!
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

LionelNashe · 14-02-2011 11:54pm

staker wrote: »

Read the question out loud and forget about the apostrophe...

What? Wears the soap? I still don't get it. Are lesbians known for doing something with soap?

Rick Deckard · 14-02-2011 11:54pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

hahahaha....i still dont get it!!!help!

using the soap to masturbate is wearing it down!

Galway K9 · 14-02-2011 11:59pm

peatcass wrote: »

using the soap to masturbate is wearing it down!

HAHAH burst out in laughter thats brill...my god im slow with jokes...ha!:D

Doublechinlolz · 15-02-2011 12:00am

peatcass wrote: »

using the soap to masturbate is wearing it down!

But why did she say does, doesnt it ? I dont get it either

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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