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One-Liner Jokes

1…7980828485…118

Comments

  • #4052
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for but no one can give me a straight answer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4053
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother...at least it was, until my mother hid the urn.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4054
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    To the person who invented infinity:


    "Thanks for everything."


  • #4055
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just been attacked by a ginger kid doing martial arts....turns out he was the Carroty kid.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4056
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    Serial jokes must be told bit by bit.


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  • #4057
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"


  • #4058
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    trashcan wrote: »
    Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"
    Was pish comment !


  • #4059
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The inventor of velcro died today..... RIP

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4060
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just won gold at the national weather forecasting championships....I beat the raining champ.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4061
    coconnell44
    Registered Users Posts: 26 ✭coconnell44


    The absolute state of your room. It looks like a quiet 'scene in Reeling in the Years'.
    Heard today in my house hahaha


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  • #4062
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    If you want to register a company name.


    Your options are Ltd
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4063
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.
    And those waiting for a ternary punchline.


  • #4064
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and says “is that a cake or a meringue?”.

    The chap says “no, you’re right. It’s a cake”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4065
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Gravestones are a thing of the passed.


  • #4066
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I've heard they're making a new Welsh action hero movie with Bruce Willis.


    Dai Hard.


  • #4067
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.
    There are 10 groups of people in the world.
    Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.


  • #4068
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?.... About 5 minutes.


  • #4069
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why do giraffes have long necks? Because they have stinky feet! I


  • #4070
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was only the welder's daughter but she had acetylene legs


  • #4071
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Maggie Thatcher was only a grocer's daughter but she showed Sir Geoffrey Howe.


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  • #4072
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why were George Michael's trousers covered in chocolate?

    Because he was careless with his Wispa.


  • #4073
    sheroman01
    Registered Users Posts: 4,685 ✭✭✭sheroman01


    Dad, I know you're looking down on me somewhere.

    He's not dead, he's just a roofer.


  • #4074
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I stayed up all night trying to remember, the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4075
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday....I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4076
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4077
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    -Demetri Martin.:)

    I think it would be cool if we could give credit to the comedians who come up with the jokes if known. It might help introduce people to some good stand-ups. Demetri Martin is very funny.


  • #4078
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.

    And even that I take with a pinch of salt.


  • #4079
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Here’s a joke for all you psychics out there...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4080
    geminiman63
    Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭geminiman63


    I played on a terrible football pitch the other day, there were broken bricks poking up and all sorts.

    We won 3-2 on aggregate :pac:


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  • #4081
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Until you've tired archery blindfolded you don't know what you're missing.


  • #4082
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife says she's going to leave me if i don't start supporting Trump.... I said "Biden"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4083
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Warning...Do not look at the sun through a colander, you will strain your eyes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4084
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    For sale.

    Muhammad Ali DVD collection.
    George Foreman grill.
    Both boxed.


  • #4085
    NewMan1982
    Closed Accounts Posts: 568 ✭✭✭NewMan1982


    A lot of people don’t seem to know what a one liner joke is.
    Look up Stewart Francis or Tim Vine and you’ll get the idea.


  • #4086
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    NewMan1982 wrote: »
    A lot of people don’t seem to know what a one liner joke is.
    Look up Stewart Francis or Tim Vine and you’ll get the idea.

    I don't get it. :confused:

    :D


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  • #4087
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,023 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    It's also two lines, which is ironic.


  • #4088
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    What is often referred to as a "Honeymoon Salad"?





    Lettuce Alone


  • #4089
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.


  • #4090
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    There's no place like '127.0.0.1'.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4091
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I dropped my phone in the bath. It's syncing now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4092
    The Mulk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭The Mulk


    coolhull wrote: »
    What is often referred to as a "Honeymoon Salad"?





    Lettuce Alone

    Or a "Honeymoon Sandwich"

    Turnover and Lettuce


  • #4093
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4094
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I stayed up all night trying to remember, the difference between insomnia and amnesia.
    much like the dyslexic insomniac atheist who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.


  • #4095
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I love Ebay....I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month
    did u kno pigeons die when they have sex? i didn't but my neighbour claims his does.


  • #4096
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    was very sick last monday, laughing maniacally at microwaved kittens again.


  • #4097
    1990sman
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭1990sman


    my wife and i have decided that we don't want to have children so tomorrow night at dinner we're going to tell them.


  • #4098
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just made the smoothie recipe Neil Diamond gave me: swede, carrot, lime.


  • #4099
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.


  • #4100
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,471 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Apparently Zoo owners give their animals names. Hugh Gnu?


  • #4101
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    1990sman wrote: »
    was very sick last monday, laughing maniacally at microwaved kittens again.
    Seriously, WTF?

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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