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One-Liner Jokes

1…7576788081…118

Comments

  • #3852
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    An ice cream van has crashed down the road !

    The whole place is coned off ...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3853
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Yeah, it was reversed into the parking spot............angel2.gif

    I put you through on goal. Lethal combination


  • #3854
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Central Services wrote: »
    He teed that one up for ya.

    Nice one clap.gif

    I couldn't have Putt it any better meself

    hiding.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3855
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    You'll drive everybody else away if you keep talking about just that one joke.....


  • #3856
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    You'll drive everybody else away if you keep talking about just that one joke.....

    I'll head for the bunker so whiteflag2.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3857
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Is there room to wedge yourself in there?


  • #3858
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Think we'll have to iron out a few ground rules around here....


  • #3859
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,024 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What's a bad golfer's favourite Excel functionality? Divot tables.


  • #3860
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wouldn't say the wife's cooking was bad, but the pygmies from the neighbouring estate come over just to dip their arrows in her soup.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3861
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I've heard that with all the Covid 19 restrictions all the Chinese restaurants have had to go into wok down.


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  • #3862
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    greenspurs wrote: »
    An ice cream van has crashed down the road !

    The whole place is coned off ...

    The driver was covered with 100s and 1000s. Gardai say he topped himself.


  • #3863
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    The driver was covered with 100s and 1000s. Gardai say he topped himself.

    The tarmac was damaged by the incident.

    It's now a rocky road.


  • #3864
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Told my kids ice-cream van jingle was an ambulance.
    Later, out in town with them, ambulance screams by ,sirens blazing.
    One turns to the other," he won't sell many ice-creams going that speed"

    (M&W)


  • #3865
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If Bjorn had been named Simon, and Benny named Derek, ABBA would have been called ASDA.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3866
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A van load of Father Ted dvds has been stolen .

    Police said they have nothing to go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3867
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    When they announced that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse !


  • #3868
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,024 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    trashcan wrote: »
    When they announced that they had discovered a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse !

    That's gas! :pac:


  • #3869
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve just swapped my white transit van for a pink one

    I wanted a camper van

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3870
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Some gob****e just threw milk at me !!!!!!!!!!!!!








    How dairy …………..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3871
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    greenspurs wrote: »
    Some gob****e just threw milk at me !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    How dairy …………..


    You could have been creamed :eek:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3872
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've lost my wife's audiobook...

    I'll never hear the end of it!


  • #3873
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife hates me messing with her red wine...
    so I added some fruit and lemonade to it …
    Shes sangria than ever !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3874
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A new show called Thesaurus has just opened on the West end.... Its a play on words.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3875
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I found a €20 note in the car park of Tesco the other day. After some deliberating as to what was the right thing to do, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?

    So I turned it into wine.


  • #3876
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I tried swimming with dolphins, but I didn't like it, as I found them very clicky.


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  • #3877
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a horror book in Braille.
    Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3878
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I was telling my therapist how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he replied “Are you going to buy that couch or not?”


  • #3879
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,867 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Diane Abbott was asked to explain differences between the Sunni and Shia. “I can’t tell you which one is which", she said,"but they sang ‘I Got You, Babe‘.”


  • #3880
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's the difference between a kilometre long queue at IKEA and a kilometre long queue at the Houses of Parliament?

    At IKEA at least you get a decent cabinet at the end

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3881
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,024 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    What's the difference between a kilometre long queue at IKEA and a kilometre long queue at the Houses of Parliament?

    At IKEA at least you get a decent cabinet at the end

    Yes, but you have to assemble it yourself!


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  • #3882
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why did the vegan cross the road ?

    To tell someone he was vegan ….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3883
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks him if he has any luggage.

    The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3884
    Zirconia
    Registered Users Posts: 386 ✭✭Zirconia
    Boycott Israeli Goods & Services


    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ....a carrot!


  • #3885
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    Zirconia wrote: »
    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ....a carrot!

    Do you think the carrot was named before the orange?


  • #3886
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

    Anna 1, Anna 2.....


  • #3887
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Got a great deal on a new TV today. 65" smart TV with a sign on it that said "Special offer: €199. Please note: volume is stuck on maximum".

    I thought to myself: "I can't turn it down........."


  • #3888
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I didn’t want to buy a hammock, but the salesman was very persuasive, and I’m easily swayed.


  • #3889
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I really must stop stealing nuns' dirty clothes. It's a filthy habit.


  • #3890
    gormdubhgorm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,905 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    What do you call a woman between two walls?

    Elaine

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • #3891
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Been a funny old day today really.

    First, I found a hat full of money, then I got chased down the street by some foul mouthed bloke waving a guitar at me!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3892
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster!

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3893
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

    A trophy.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3894
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Has anyone tried Stallone's scones?

    They're the best thing since Sly's bread.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3895
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do a puppy and a short sighted gynecologist have in common?

    They both have a wet nose

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3896
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two sociologists are sitting by the pool.

    First sociologist says, "Have you read Marx?"

    To which the second one replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3897
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Every time I leave the house, I keep getting followed by a bird with long legs.

    I think I'm being storked

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3898
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do ducks have feathers?

    To cover their butt quacks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3899
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    I'm fed up with my mates. This is the 3rd time they've said they'd go with me to a Whitesnake gig and then backed out at the last minute!

    Here I go again on my own


  • #3900
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why are Mountain ranges funny??


    Cos they are hill areas …………..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3901
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    It's fancy dress week at work, so every day I'm dressing up as a different type of bread.

    Roll on Friday!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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