Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Options
1…239240242244245…327

Comments

  • Options
    #7232
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."
    Peter came fifth and won a toaster.



    Whoever invented easter should be nailed to the cross!


  • Options
    #7233
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    What did Jesus say to Judas on Good Friday?

    Dont touch my Easter eggs ill be back on Sunday


  • Options
    #7234
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    byrner88 wrote: »
    What did Jesus say to Judas on Good Friday?

    Dont touch my Easter eggs ill be back on Sunday

    Just in time for half price easter eggs!


  • Options
    #7235
    bnt
    Registered Users Posts: 12,968 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch’.

    — Edgar Mitchell, Apollo 14 Astronaut



  • Options
    #7236
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    bnt wrote: »
    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    How do you make a dog meow?

    Freeze it and cut it with a circular saw...........meeeeoooooowwww!!!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7237
    gazump123
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭gazump123


    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
    Because the P is silent.


  • Options
    #7238
    scottmcb04
    Registered Users Posts: 419 ✭✭scottmcb04


    A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off’. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”. To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”


  • Options
    #7239
    Photo-Sniper
    Registered Users Posts: 1,217 ✭✭✭Photo-Sniper


    My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter.

    The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.


  • Options
    #7240
    Kiwi in IE
    Registered Users Posts: 3,063 ✭✭✭Kiwi in IE


    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk


    ;)


  • Options
    #7241
    Shannon757
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,847 ✭✭✭✭Shannon757


    Kiwi in IE wrote: »
    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk


    ;)

    We have an original comedian in the house! :D


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7242
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    In the beginning god made everything and said it was good.
    Then he asked Adam, "Is there anything else you could possibly want?"
    Adam replied, "I want a companion. Someone that will always be there for me. Someone that will love me, console me when I'm sad, celebrate with me when I'm happy, and stimulate me when I'm bored. I want a true soul mate."
    God says "Ok... But that will cost you an arm and a leg."
    Adam sighs and says "Alright then... What can I get for a rib?"


  • Options
    #7243
    Comer1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭Comer1


    bnt wrote: »
    Q: How do you make a cat bark?
    A: Spray it with petrol and light a match ... WOOF! :eek:

    At the risk of stating the obvious: it's just a joke, not advocating cruelty to animals.

    After telling us that joke, you should be more concerned with not advocating cruelty to humans ;-)


  • Options
    #7244
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,295 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #7245
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you stop a cat scratching your face?

    Press paws.


  • Options
    #7246
    Magico Gonzalez
    Registered Users Posts: 2,328 ✭✭✭Magico Gonzalez


    Shannon757 wrote: »
    We have an original comedian in the house! :D

    And now we know that jokes take 40 years to travel from civilisation to NZ.

    Some time next year knock knock jokes are gonna be huge down there.


  • Options
    #7247
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's the difference between my wife and the Revenue?

    The Revenue want to talk to me.


  • Options
    #7248
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.


    Amazingly, that started another row. Just because I rang her from the pub.


  • Options
    #7249
    CUCINA
    Registered Users Posts: 692 ✭✭✭CUCINA


    I have a lot of fond memories of having fun with my friends as a kid...I remember we used to get into these big tyres and roll down the hill...they were the good years!


  • Options
    #7250
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,408 ✭✭✭chewed


    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!


  • Options
    #7251
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,408 ✭✭✭chewed


    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7252
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,652 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    CUCINA wrote: »
    I have a lot of fond memories of having fun with my friends as a kid...I remember we used to get into these big tyres and roll down the hill...they were the good years!

    There was a hobo around here who used to sleep in a huge tyre.
    It got punctured so now he's got a flat.


  • Options
    #7253
    eisenberg1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    chewed wrote: »
    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!

    It was not funny the first time either.


  • Options
    #7254
    JCX BXC
    Registered Users Posts: 18,140 ✭✭✭✭JCX BXC


    chewed wrote: »
    Knock knock?
    Who's There?





    The other pilot!

    That ones just too much..


  • Options
    #7255
    CUCINA
    Registered Users Posts: 692 ✭✭✭CUCINA


    tayto lover wrote: »
    There was a hobo around here who used to sleep in a huge tyre.
    It got punctured so now he's got a flat.

    We could start a new thread here!


  • Options
    #7256
    mb1725
    Registered Users Posts: 1,381 ✭✭✭mb1725


    CUCINA wrote: »
    We could start a new thread here!

    or tread!! (sorry)


  • Options
    #7257
    Santa Cruz
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,126 ✭✭✭Santa Cruz


    Larry Murphy wants to know when can he get his spade back


  • Options
    #7258
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

    Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

    Baldrick: "Yes sir"

    Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money.
    On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium, Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece, Ireland , Italy and Portugal .
    They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

    Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".

    Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

    Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"

    Blackadder: "It was bollocks"


  • Options
    #7259
    pippip
    Registered Users Posts: 2,249 ✭✭✭pippip


    Sold my homing pigeons on ebay, third time this week.


  • Options
    #7260
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,966 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    "How would you describe yourself?" Asked the interviewer.

    "Usually with words" I said, "but I've also been working on an interpretive dance if you'd prefer."





    The huge oak in my UKIP supporting neighbour's garden blocks out the sun from the sycamore I have in my garden

    I can't stand his bigger tree




    I'm not surprised to hear that Banksy supports Sunderland FC.

    They both draw for a living.




    Mark Simpson, the man jailed for twelve years for selling sub-standard building materials to the government, escaped from Pentonville Prison this morning when the front fell off.




    Lawyer "You said the plaintiff was shot in the woods?"

    Doctor "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7261
    McChubbin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,080 ✭✭✭McChubbin


    One of my own:

    What is German for "bra"?
    Die Holtzemfromfloppen! :D

    ....I'll get me coat.


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement