The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

guile4582

improper use of "You're" ruined it

rolliepoley

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

MetalDog

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

MetalDog

MetalDog wrote: »

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Cobblers!

:P

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

EoghanIRL

Growing up my mom told me that I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

rolliepoley

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

'Your mother must have been a carrier.'

EoghanIRL

Did you know that anal is illegal in Iceland?






Not sure about Tesco.

Hagar7

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What's Snow Whites Favourite Drink?


7up n' Cider

Ooft,that's below the belt.

EoghanIRL

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

rolliepoley

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cnut."

garra

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

garra

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

garra

I have low self-esteem and my latest girl-friend has dumped me.. when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.

garra

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

I needed to change my password for the Irish water website so I chose "undrinkable" it was rejected!:rolleyes:

MonkieSocks

Two Guys walk into a Bar,















The Third Guy Ducked

ohmslaw

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

I needed a password eight characters long which included at least one capital letter and one number so I picked "SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves"

Jjiipp79

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??


2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

murpho999

garra wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".

ohmslaw wrote: »

I needed a password eight characters long which included at least one capital letter and one number so I picked "SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves"

Reminds me of the time Snow White was lying in bed feeling happy.
Then Happy got out so she started to feel grumpy.

Capt'n Midnight

I use 'incorrect' as my password.

I get lots of reminders if type it wrong.

CabanSail

I've had a really crap week.

My wife ran off with my best mate.


God I miss him.

CUCINA

MetalDog wrote: »

I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Well, you might be down on your heel-ium but that wouldn't be the "sole" ingredient.
They were probably polished of with plenty in the way of "uppers" to compensate!

auldgranny

Jjiipp79 wrote: »

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??


2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

You would be lucky

eamonnq

auldgranny wrote: »

You would be lucky

Username/subject :eek:

Jjiipp79

Jjiipp79 wrote: »

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb??


2......1 to screw in the bulb, and the other

TO SUCK MY COCK!!!

auldgranny wrote: »

You would be lucky

eamonnq wrote: »

Username/subject :eek:

Depends on whether she keeps in her teeth! :eek:

MonkieSocks

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along a beach.

At one end of the beach they encounter a mermaid sitting on some rocks brushing her hair.

The Englishman goes up to her and asks: "Excuse me my dear, but have you ever been kissed?"

The mermaid looks up shyly and says "Why no I haven't."

So the Englishman leans in and kisses her.

Then the Frenchman comes over and asks: "Tell me Cherie, have you ever had your lovely breasts caressed?"

"No I haven't" replies the mermaid.

So the Frenchman reaches over and strokes her chest for a while.

Then the Australian walks up: "Tell me love, ever been fooked?"

The mermaid smiles and says: "Never in my life."

To which he replies: "Well, you have been now. The tide's gone out"

Hagar7

My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her clothes and left.

Happyman42

Keith Harris is dead... Orville is said to be speechless.



*too soon?

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

yep, should have left it a week at least

Mr Tibbs

I was driving home from the pub last weekend when I was stopped by a female Garda.
She ordered me out of the car and said you're staggering.
Why thank you, I said your not bad looking yourself