The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

kivinsoitis wrote: »

Whats the fastest thing on land?


stevie wonder's speedboat....

I bet you he didn't see that coming.

bnt

Q: What does Stevie Wonder's girlfriend do when she's annoyed at him?
A: Rearrange the furniture.

Hagar7

Phone sex is bad for you.
You could end up with hearing aids.

Curly Judge

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
.........................................................................

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
.........................................................................

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
..........................................................................

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
.........................................................................

Mr. CooL ICE

Q: How much space is required for fungus to grow?

A: As mushroom as possible

ohmslaw

If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.

Mr. CooL ICE

A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the check-in desk. It is asked if it has any luggage. It's response:

No, I'm travelling light

Steven81

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

nootroc

ohmslaw wrote: »

If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.

But she gave us 10 commandments

EoghanIRL

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

Curly Judge

The lawyer says to the very wealthy art collector tycoon:

“I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: “I've had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested £5000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

chughes

nootroc wrote: »

But she gave us 10 commandments

I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......

eisenberg1

chughes wrote: »

I'm surprised that you think god is a woman. I would have thought that if god was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate......

But it's very good for your complexion, remember that old nugget:D

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

The Law profession in one:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field below. He lowers the balloon toward the man and shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I am late to meet a friend, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “I’m happy to help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

After a brief pause, the balloonist declares: “You must be a lawyer.”

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me I am sure is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below responds, “Indeed. And you … You must be a client.”

“Why, yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “how in the world did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

gnarbarian

Two cyclists were cycling along when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

ohmslaw

nootroc wrote: »

But she gave us 10 commandments

Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.

ohmslaw

nootroc wrote: »

But she gave us 10 commandments

Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.

eisenberg1

ohmslaw wrote: »

Yeah but the only reason there were only 10 commandments was cos Moses dropped 2 of them on the way down the mountain.

He was in pain, so he took two tablets:D

Capt'n Midnight

Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

Mr Tibbs

The American woman who injected her child with Botox for a beauty pagent has lost her custody battle.
The child didn't look a bit surprised.

rolliepoley

My wife asked me what my plans are for the Easter weekend?

The same as Jesus i said', disappear Friday, show up Monday.

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

My wife asked me what my plans are for the Easter weekend?

The same as Jesus i said', disappear Friday, show up Monday.

Was she cross when you told her that??

bnt

I'm looking for a new place to live, and saw a Toadstool advertised locally. I went and had a look, but it wasn't for me: there wasn't mushroom inside.

rolliepoley

chughes wrote: »

Was she cross when you told her that??

She was spitting nails.

Delboy2015

Some may have heard this one before but....

A Kerry man won a ticket in a raffle to the All Ireland Final between Kerry and Donegal, he was very pleased to have won it, as the final was a sell out as always.

When the man arrived, he was situated between a group of Kerry supporters. Before the match started, he noticed there was still one seat vacant beside him, so he said to the man beside him "its an awful waste to see a seat free, and all the people in Kerry that would die for that seat"

"That seat was for my wife, she came to the last 20 All Ireland's" The man offered his sympathy but still could questioned "but surely you could have brought a son, a daughter, another relation?" The other man then replied "they couldn't come, they're all at her funeral!!"

newmug

Socialism.
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

Communism.
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism.
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism.
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism.
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism.
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your heard multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Royal Bank Of Scotland (Venture) Capitalism.
You have 2 cows.
You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank. Then execute a equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transfered via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy the new president of the US, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

Surrealism.
You have 2 giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

American Government.
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and force the other one to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

Greek Government.
You have 2 cows.
You borrow lots of Euro's to build barns, milking sheds, hay sores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit, and packing sheds. You still only have 2 cows.

French Government.
You have 2 cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, all because you want 3 cows.

Japanese Government.
You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of a normal cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

Italian Government.
You haave 2 cows.
But you don't know where they are. You decide to go to lunch.

Swiss Government.
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge all the owners for storing them.

Chinese Government.
You have 2 cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

Indian Government.
You have 2 cows.
You worship both of them.

British Government.
You have 2 cows.
Both are mad.

Iraqi Government.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you, and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

Australian Government.
You have 2 cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

New Zealand Government.
You have 2 cows.
The one on the left looks rather attractive.

Irish Government.
You have 2 cows.
You take all their milk, tax them for living in a shed, charge them for drinking water, and fine them for farting. Then you allow bulls to ride other bulls, and legalise the killing of calves before they're even born.

everlast75

chughes wrote: »

Was she cross when you told her that??

cross? she feckin crucified him!!!

the purple tin

I asked the pp why the pubs had to close yesterday. He told me Jesus got hammered on good friday so you don't have to.

the purple tin

the purple tin wrote: »

I asked the pp why the pubs had to close yesterday. He told me Jesus got hammered on good friday so you don't have to.

I think that you've nailled it! :pac:

ohmslaw

The scribes and the pharisses had assembled in the square and were about to stone a woman to death for the sin of adultery. Jesus arrived and stood beside the woman. "Let those without sin cast the first stone" Jesus said. The crowd became very silent. Then a big rock is thrown from someone at the back of the crowd and it hits the woman on the head, killing her stone dead. Jesus spins around and shouts -
"ah for fcuk sake ma!"