The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comer1 · 03-03-2014 03:32PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"

As a goldfish, how do you type on the keyboard, or is it specially adapted for you?

Curly Judge · 03-03-2014 04:13PM

Hermy wrote: »

Was funnier the first time!

Apologies!
Alzheimer's etc.

youtheman · 03-03-2014 05:33PM

Knock - Knock

Bang - Bang - Bang

Who's there

Oscar Pistorius

03-03-2014 08:17PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards .

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
The man being a priest said, " I am a Father . ."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the
Father of many ."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient said , "I am the Father of
hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
and put your trouserss on backwards instead of your collar."

Hitchens · 04-03-2014 09:31AM

My pet mouse died yesterday, his name was Elvis

.......he was caught in a trap

Sir Arthur Daley · 04-03-2014 02:47PM

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
''Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?''
''Just take two,'' Brenda replied. ''The rest are for your father.''

rolliepoley · 04-03-2014 09:05PM

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

05-03-2014 08:46AM

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many United States Presidents.

When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade or the hoe'. The next thing I knew I was fired."

Jon_459 · 05-03-2014 02:04PM

Hermy wrote: »

Was funnier the first time!

No - I prefer this version

Hitchens · 05-03-2014 06:58PM

Putin - "knock, knock"

Obama - "who's there?"

Putin - "Crimea"

Obama - "Crimea who?"

Putin - "Crimea river!" :pac:

Curly Judge · 05-03-2014 08:02PM

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

05-03-2014 11:15PM

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fúcked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

05-03-2014 11:27PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

Yorkshire folk

Those of you not from Yorkshire , you may need to think about their accent to get these ...

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"
A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to
Remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"

Curly Judge wrote: »

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

This is becoming a Möbius thread.

Sir Arthur Daley · 06-03-2014 12:53AM

Deleted User wrote: »

This is becoming a Möbius thread.

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side

Epic1337 · 06-03-2014 01:24AM

Ten high-profile figures from the world of banking have taken their own lives in the last six weeks.

Proof that bankers do have some community spirit after all.

06-03-2014 08:55AM

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!

Curly Judge · 06-03-2014 10:10AM

Deleted User wrote: »

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50, and I get £25 back from BUPA!

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

Capt'n Midnight · 06-03-2014 10:27AM

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Curly Judge · 06-03-2014 11:37AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

It must be contagious?

eamonnq · 06-03-2014 11:41AM

WikiHow wrote: »

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Curly Judge wrote: »

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

NO

06-03-2014 07:31PM

The mother-in-law arrives to visit her daughter to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"

06-03-2014 07:32PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

Ever get a slight sense of deja vu?

All the time here on the great joke recycling centre. :P

06-03-2014 07:35PM

The war of the Möbius strip.

It was never ending!

Aquagakka · 06-03-2014 09:35PM

What goes, clip…………clop………...clip…………clop………...clip…………clop…………,

BANG!

clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Banjo String · 06-03-2014 09:39PM

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman and says "Five pints please".

Sir Arthur Daley · 06-03-2014 09:41PM

Bruce Willis was found dead from a viagra overdose,

he must have died hard

Capt'n Midnight · 06-03-2014 09:46PM

Aquagakka wrote: »

An Amish drive-by shooting.

Every time I hear about Discovery's Amish Mafia program I think of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo74Dn7W_pA

rolliepoley · 06-03-2014 10:00PM

How does a lobster answer the phone?

Shello?

rolliepoley · 08-03-2014 06:32PM

What is oscar pistorius favorite song?

Cry me a Reeva.

groovie · 08-03-2014 06:48PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

What is oscar pistorius favorite song?

Cry me a Reeva.

Reeva deep, mountain high.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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