The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

slaneylad

Man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy."

The vet takes a look and says:
"It seems pretty calm to me."

The man says:
"Idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

rolliepoley

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

RedFormanFITA

Who didn't invent the aeroplane?

The Wrong Brothers.


A Guard walks up to a man doing push ups in the Phoneix Park and says to him, Sir, she's gone.

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:









"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

rolliepoley

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Capt'n Midnight

The best part about bitcoins is that you get to watch libertarians slowly discover why financial regulations exist to begin with

Hitchens

A young Irishman got married and he had to go away from home to get work while his wife reared the family.

Every weekend he came home the first thing he would ask was .. "how did Celtic do last weekend"? .......and his wife would have to know the result.

When he came back one weekend after nearly 30 years of marriage he asked her for the Celtic result, and being fed up she said..........."you love Celtic more than me, seeing as it's the first thing you ask when you get home"!

Without even blinking he replied.......


.............."ffs, I even love Rangers more than you"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was having a wee and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said mum, 'I know what happened You were having a wee and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
(Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.)


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Capt'n Midnight

Two lads walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the
Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop
and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"




, THERE'S MORE,




Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself
over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"




, IT IS NOT OVER YET,





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with
his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean and his
fook'n hengliding!"

rolliepoley

For six months Fred had been driving the local garbage truck. Every week he noticed that one household never put out their wheelly bin.
Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he knocked on the door. It was answered by a little scrawny Chinaman.
"Good day, Sir," said Fred. "I'm the local garbage collector and I wanted to know where's your bin?"
"I bin here," replied the scrawny Chinaman.
"No," replied Fred. "Where's your bin?"
"I told you!" the scrawny Chinaman shouted. "I bin Here!"
"Nah," replied Fred. "You don't understand. Where's your wheelly bin?"
"Oh," said the Chinaman, winking. "I wheelly bin in jail - but I tell everyone I bin here!"

Sir Arthur Daley

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.
Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some bananas and doughnuts.
Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the bananas across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the banana using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some squash and a box of cheerios... "

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.


She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.


It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.


One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.


She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.


She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.


She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.


I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Curly Judge

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.


As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."


The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."


But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.



A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.


She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."


"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."


But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."


Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.


Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.


"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about," she said, speaking up. "I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."


"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior," Mary said. "I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."


Mother Superior was floored!



"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."


Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.


"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior," Mary said in a loud voice. "It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

J Cheever Loophole

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.
At death's door, they see a tree in the distance.
As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree....... ees a ham bush!"

MonkeyTennis

At a job interview a young man is asked what his greatest weakness is.

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a f*ck what you think."

Blisterman

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay €100 to have a lentil on my face.

WilyCoyote

I have CDO. It’s a bit like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order - just as they should be.

Hitchens

"What's your name?"

"Colin Fúcking Wilson"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Colin?"

"No, But the priest at the Christening did."

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."

.

A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have been reported madking to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound line and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?

13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Capt'n Midnight

And what is it that separates us from the animals ?






The Liffey

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

And what is it that separates us from the animals ?






The Liffey

And there was me thinking that the M50 was the outer perimeter for Dublin zoo!

Hitchens

what's the penalty for bigamy..................?





.....................2 mothers-in-law!

Absoluvely

<Mod snip>

Aquagakka

"Doctor, Doctor,

I have a terrible habit of falling out of…..WINDOOOOOOOoooooooooooooows"

Hitchens

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"


Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."



The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again to tell me where the money is or I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido, "He says he will kill you if you don't tell him."



Guido trembles and signs back, "OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

corktina

Aquagakka wrote: »

A woman had 10 sons who were all policemen.

At breakfast she asked, "Who wants cornflakes?"

And they all said,





"Me Ma, Me Ma, Me Ma….."

What did the other 7 have for breakfast?

Phone rings, woman answers:
The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?
" Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching football –

---

who shall I say is calling?"