The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Aquagakka

What do you call a Spanish voyeur?









Señor Biva.

maguic24

I heard this one today in work it made me laugh, not a joke per se. One of the girls got a Valentines card with the below words written on it:

Your eyes are like spanners, when I look into them my nuts tighten.

bonzodog2

Aquagakka wrote: »

What do you call a Spanish voyeur?


Señor Biva.

I think it would work better with an Italian.

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honour of the Harvest Festival(who converted him ), YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!

FOR...THE...LAST...TIME... "BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

Sir Arthur Daley

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."

Happyman42

Deleted User wrote: »

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,

She should have pointed to her backside again!

Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush, Arsehole" !!!

rolliepoley

A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off the parrot's
cage, makes a coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her
boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades,
puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The
parrot, from under the cloth then says: "Well that was a short fcukin' day!"

A fireman was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fireman said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

comewatmay

maguic24 wrote: »

I heard this one today in work it made me laugh, not a joke per se. One of the girls got a Valentines card with the below words written on it:

Your eyes are like spanners, when I look into them my nuts tighten.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van

maguic24

comewatmay wrote: »

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm not getting in no van
I know Kung Fu

stefan idiot jones

The boy stood on the burning deck,
eating a bag of scallops.
The burning flames went up his leg,
and burnt his fcukin' ............

gramar

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

The boy stood on the burning deck,
eating a bag of scallops.
The burning flames went up his leg,
and burnt his fcukin' ............

...his fcukin' what????

stefan idiot jones

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck.
She put them in a room together,
to see if they would.........

Hitchens

Mary had a little lamb
She took it into bed,
The lamb turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!

gramar

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck.
She put them in a room together,
to see if they would.........

would what????? ....discuss the future of the euro, do some knitting....what? aarrgghhhhhhhhhh

coolhull

gramar wrote: »

would what????? ....discuss the future of the euro, do some knitting....what? aarrgghhhhhhhhhh

. . . .would write a book?

WilyCoyote

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot the sherrif shepherd

BigBrownBear

Mary had a little lamb
Full of tricks and frolics
It tried to jump the garden gate and
Fell and broke its...........leg

Luckily there was a vet on the farm and he was able to put his leg into a splint.
And the lamb lived happily ever after. Until he was slaughtered

BigBrownBear

Mary had a little lamb
Full of tricks and frolics
It tried to jump the garden gate and
Fell and broke its...........leg

Luckily there was a vet on the farm and he was able to put his leg into a splint.
And the lamb lived happily ever after. Until he was slaughtered

Kippure

Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to a wedding,
She tied it to a table leg
Then kicked his ******' head in.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy
But then it caught foot and mouth so now
Its black and crispy!!


Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a bear,
I have offten seen the little lamb,
But I have never seen her bare ;-)

Mary had a little lamb,
she thought it rather silly,
to throw it up in the air,
and catch it by its ....
Willy was a watch dog sitting on the grass,
when down come a bumble bee,
and stung him in the .....
Ask no questions,
and get no lies,
this is the end of my silly rhyme.

nootroc

Mary had a little lamb
But now the lamb is dead
So Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two slices of bread

Sir Arthur Daley

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often..

WilyCoyote

WikiHow wrote: »

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often
'Twas such a cunning stunt

there you are. FYP!

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb,
that tale we've heard before.
Then she passed her plate along,
and had a little more.

maguic24

Jaysus, I'm getting sick of Mary and her fecking lamb.

teacherhead

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

The boy stood on the burning deck,
eating a bag of scallops.
The burning flames went up his leg,
and burnt his fcukin' ............

jack be nimble, jack be quick, jack jumped over the candlestick.

silly boy, should have jumped higher, goodness gracious great balls of fire.

Markcheese

Mary had a little calf as cute as cute can be , and every where that Mary went the calf was sure to be...
But Mary has no calf today but this we can reveal , inside her freezer you will find a years supply of veal ...

Sir Arthur Daley

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck.
She put them in a room together,
to see if they would.........

....fall over?