The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jake66

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get poor rover a bone,
but went she bent over, rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own !!!!!!

5live

When Mary had a little lamb,
the doctor was surprised.
When old McDonald had a farm,
the doctor nearly died..

maguic24

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/4b/4bb0f5e61351f74a291a6742a58fa8b8968cc9bf6ce1eb17cf43ee427ec62b38.jpg

tayto lover

Bloke walks into a pub. Says to the barman... Pint please.
The barman pulls a Guinness and leaves it to settle and walks away.
Next the bloke hears. “Howya handsome” and turns around but there’s nobody there.
A few seconds later he hears.”Wow your hair looks great did you get it cut”.
He looks over and it seemed to come from the bowl of nuts on the bar. The barman returns and gives him his pint. Bloke says...What’s the story with them nuts????


Barman says: Oh they're complimentary.

The same guy enters the same pub a week later and hears someone shout "wanker" and looks behind him, there's no one there. A moment later he hears someone shout "prick" and looks around. He is the only person in the bar except for the barman. He says to the barman "did you just call me a prick" The barman replies "No mate, it must be the cigarette machine its “out of order”.

A minute later he hears a voice saying "Lend us a fiver, please?". He looks around. Still no one there. He hears it again. "Lend us a few quid? Even two quid, please?". He says to the barman "Did you hear that?". The barman says "Yeah, sorry, the jukebox is broke."

Sir Arthur Daley

Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

maguic24

maguic24 wrote: »

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/4b/4bb0f5e61351f74a291a6742a58fa8b8968cc9bf6ce1eb17cf43ee427ec62b38.jpg

What's even funnier (in a strange way) is that someone went to the trouble of hiding the dog's identity! :pac:

maguic24

Deleted User wrote: »

What's even funnier (in a strange way) is that someone went to the trouble of hiding the dog's identity! :pac:

Haha, I would never have noticed only that you pointed it out!! :P That husky has a reputation to upkeep, his identity must be kept a mystery. :pac:

Hitchens

"get down off the stove Martha, .......you're too old to be ridin' the range"

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

bogwalrus

Mary Mary Mary lamb
Lamb Mary Mary
Mary lamb Mary lamb
Lamb Mary..........I want to say Brian?

Sir Arthur Daley

A man is leaving for a business trip in about a day, and is leaving his wife behind for a week or so. so he walks into a magic shop, and see's a magic dildo. he asks the owner if he can buy it, and how does it work.

the owner explains: "you say magic dildo, and then where to go"

the owner then says "magic dildo wall" and it flys out of the box, and thrusts the wall.

the man buys it, and takes it home.

He tells his wife to spread her legs and says "magic dildo pussy"
and it flys, ,and his wife starts to moan etc.

he leaves, but doesn't tell her how to stop it, which is, simply saying "magic dildo: box"

this goes on for a day or two, and she takes it, but when she starts driving, she finds it difficult to concentrate and a cop pulls her over as she swerves on the road.

"why are you all over the road, you drunk?" he says

"no officer, i have a magic dildo stuck fcuking me, and it's hard to drive"

the cop then reply's.


"magic dildo my ass!!"

Galway K9

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to Absolute zero in a Freezer?

Hes 0K now.

Hermy

bogwalrus wrote: »

Mary Mary Mary lamb
Lamb Mary Mary
Mary lamb Mary lamb
Lamb Mary..........I want to say Brian?

I don't get it???

Three Jamaican ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.



The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'


Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some florescent orange panties.'


'Why you gonna wear dem for?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in d ocean, dey can see me first..'

The third lady says 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties... What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'

irishjig69b

Smcgie wrote: »

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do

Pmsl

zoe 3619

How do u arrange a space party?...planet. went to the zoo the other day.only animal was a dog it was a ****zu. .. How do you get 500 cows in a barn. Put up a sign saying bingo.

M5

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally frozen to absolute zero? He is believed to be 0K now!

ah crap, someone beat me to it!

STADEdeLUC

''Do you have a Jersey? Im Friesian''

WilyCoyote

Galway K9 wrote: »

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to Absolute zero in a Freezer?

Hes 0K now.

Good one

M5 wrote: »

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally frozen to absolute zero? He is believed to be 0K now!
Old one

ah crap, someone beat me to it!

-273 one

WilyCoyote

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80′s and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy’s for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer.

“Goldstein,” the buyer says,

“You’ve been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Ok, so go ahead and send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis.”

Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy’s receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells,

“What’s going on?!?

I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon!”

Goldstein replied calmly,

“The tip of my penis is in Poland.”

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, '

That's OK I lied too, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

byrner88

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

"Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

Capt'n Midnight

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.







Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

rolliepoley

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh**ting in the bed!"

WilyCoyote

gramar wrote: »

...his fcukin' what????

The boy stood on the Village green
Playing a game of cricket
The ball shot up his trouser leg
And stumped his middle wicket!

ArnoldJRimmer

A man is over in Australia and is in a very bad car accident.

He wakes up in hospital the next day. Looking down at himself, he sees that he's in a pretty bad way, and is not quite sure if he's going to make it.

The doctor walks in to check on him, so he asks, 'Doctor, level with me here, did I come here to die?'

And the doctor replies, 'Nah mate, we brought you in yesterday'

rolliepoley

Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
With wizz and e’s and ganja trees and coke as white as snow.

rolliepoley

I see there was another disaster in Trinity collage, the library was burned down.
Naturally, the students were very upset…some of the books weren’t even coloured in yet.

TheBegotten

Mariasofia wrote: »

How do you keep an idiot waiting around?



Ill tell you later

Are you going to tell us or not?

WilyCoyote

TheBegotten wrote: »

Are you going to tell us or not?

Are you deaf? You heard what she said ........ she'll tell us later!