The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

An Orangemans calendar

January February March March March March March March September October November December

RedFormanFITA

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sochi.

Sochi who?

Sochi shame the Winter Olympics are over.

shaneon77

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?




He bought a warehouse

Curly Judge

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

Scartbeg

Heard on 8 out of 10 cats tonight, I nearly split my sides...

Fella runs into the bookmakers and says "I need to use your toilet!"
Sorry, replies the cashier, toilets are for customers only.
Okay, says the man, "I bet you a tenner I'm going to piss my pants!"

FanadMan

Scartbeg wrote: »

Heard on 8 out of 10 cats tonight, I nearly split my sides...

Fella runs into the bookmakers and says "I need to use your toilet!"
Sorry, replies the cashier, toilets are for customers only.
Okay, says the man, "I bet you a tenner I'm going to piss my pants!"

Was that on tonight?
``

Scartbeg

FanadMan wrote: »

Was that on tonight?
``

Yes, " 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown"

GerB40

Scartbeg wrote: »

Yes, " 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown"

Kevin Bridges. He's one funny fúcker...

Happyman42

GerB40 wrote: »

Kevin Bridges. He's one funny fúcker...

With a joke that must be older than Methuselah? Right.

GerB40

Happyman42 wrote: »

With a joke that must be older than Methuselah? Right.

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. (I know, it sounds mad) I'm basing the fact that he's a funny fúcker on his multitude of jokes rather than one joke he made on a panel show..

eisenberg1

GerB40 wrote: »

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. (I know, it sounds mad) I'm basing the fact that he's a funny fúcker on his multitude of jokes rather than one joke he made on a panel show..

IMO, He has a lot of "jokes" alright....................But a severe shortage of the funny variety.

GerB40

eisenberg1 wrote: »

IMO, He has a lot of "jokes" alright....................But a severe shortage of the funny variety.

Well comedy is subjective, different strokes and all.....

ZeitgeistGlee

donegal_man wrote: »

It was coined by the same guy who put an s in lisp

Don't forget dyslexia.

eisenberg1

ZeitgeistGlee wrote: »

Don't forget dyslexia.

is that funny?

ZeitgeistGlee

eisenberg1 wrote: »

is that funny?

It's amusing to me as a dyslexic that the word dyslexia (and related words) is unintuitive to spell, much in the same way the word "lisp" having an "s" in it would be difficult for someone with a lisp to pronounce properly. Not a gut-buster certainly but worth a small smile from those who can think it through.

Sir Arthur Daley

One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word, "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her"!

eisenberg1

ZeitgeistGlee wrote: »

It's amusing to me as a dyslexic that the word dyslexia (and related words) is unintuitive to spell, much in the same way the word "lisp" having an "s" in it would be difficult for someone with a lisp to pronounce properly. Not a gut-buster certainly but worth a small smile from those who can think it through.

Oh I thought it through alright, I just got the impression you having a slag at dyslexia........................sorry.

ZeitgeistGlee

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Oh I thought it through alright, I just got the impression you having a slag at dyslexia........................sorry.

No worries.

Capt'n Midnight

What is DNA ?






















National Dyslexia Association.

rolliepoley

Paddy escaped from the Mental Hospital. When he got home, he called the Hospital on the phone and asked; "Is this Dundrum Mental Hospital?" yes replied the receptionist, "could you tell me if there is anyone in room eight at ward one?" asked Paddy.

The receptionist replied; "Just a minute sir hold on let me check."

A while later the receptionist came back on the phone and said; "There is no one sir."

Paddy exclaimed; "Wow! Okay my dear."

The receptionist said; "But why did you ask sir?."

Paddy replied; "I just wanted to be sure that I've escaped."

Happyman42

GerB40 wrote: »

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. .

Brendan O'Carroll has loads of jokes too...trouble is, they aren't his.

Curly Judge

A man received the following text message from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with
the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his pistol, and without a word, shot and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text message came in:
" Damn autocorrect . Sorry, that should have said " wifi " not " wife."

rolliepoley

How is a casino like a good woman?






















Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

EoghanIRL

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now .

My friend is addicted to brake fluid but he can stop any time .

I used to go to the men's locker room but then I changed .

Can't think of anymore

EoghanIRL

Mitch hedberg is one of my favourites at the moment :

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Sir Arthur Daley

I saw a Nun earlier in town one thought came to mind, Virgin mobile.

byronbay2

Don't know if this is the best joke I ever heard but I certainly laughed:

What is the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, the job still sucks!!

Hitchens

What animal has a cúnt halfway up its back?

a police horse!

:pac:

Curly Judge

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"

Hermy

Curly Judge wrote: »

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime...

Was funnier the first time!