The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

drdidlittle · 03-01-2014 11:43PM

Why are pirates called pirates

cos they aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Hagar the Nice. · 03-01-2014 11:49PM

drdidlittle wrote: »

Why are pirates called pirates

cos they aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Has this been confirmed yet?
I mean made official?
Has anyone any proof?
Has anyone seen the deeds?
Has anyone got any idea of what year this was signed?
Officially?

drdidlittle · 04-01-2014 12:01AM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Has this been confirmed yet?
I mean made official?
Has anyone any proof?
Has anyone seen the deeds?
Has anyone got any idea of what year this was signed?
Officially?

Known fact :-)

rolliepoley · 04-01-2014 12:07AM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Has this been confirmed yet?
I mean made official?
Has anyone any proof?
Has anyone seen the deeds?
Has anyone got any idea of what year this was signed?
Officially?

Word has it that the parrot has all the answers, quick move swiftly, find the parrot.

rolliepoley · 04-01-2014 02:15AM

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

MJ23 · 04-01-2014 03:39AM

Ad on TV for Keith Barry's new show

Bray Knacker.

Banjo String · 04-01-2014 10:14AM

A boob, a vagina, and an asshole were debating amongst themselves one day, on which of them was the greatest.

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies, and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, surely that makes me the greatest!".

Vagina - "That's nothing. I give birth to new born babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex, that makes me the greatest".

Why you still scrolling down?

It's your turn to speak!

Curly Judge · 05-01-2014 10:44PM

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

************** ***************************

Hagar the Nice. · 06-01-2014 12:17AM

:rolleyes:^^^^^^^ You don't happen to be a female by any chance?

TiGeR KiNgS · 06-01-2014 12:52AM

Finally, Hill wins in battle against Schumacher.

Hagar the Nice. · 06-01-2014 04:22PM

5 Men sitting in a bar. Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others. The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for the guys except Moyes.

Then Moyes said; Hey guys what about my pint???... Rodgers looked at him and said: Sorry David, this is the fourth round and you are not in it.

EoghanIRL · 08-01-2014 12:59AM

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: What color is your Ferrari?

Stolen from reddit

10-01-2014 12:10AM

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

Hagar the Nice. · 10-01-2014 12:39AM

Deleted User wrote: »

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

Bi gum,that is thought provoking.:eek:

castletownman · 10-01-2014 01:06AM

So with Thomas Hitzelberger having admitted he is gay, Sven and Lars aren't the only Benders to have played for Germany.

*gets coat*

Hagar the Nice. · 10-01-2014 07:05PM

Helps Castletownwoman find her coat.:)

corktina · 11-01-2014 12:15AM

My young feller just told me there is a man at the door with a bill....turns out it's a duck with a hat on

corktina · 11-01-2014 12:17AM

Two ducks swimming across the Firth of Forth and a great big oil tanker looms up at them

"Quack" says one

"I'm swimming as quack as I can " says the other

locum-motion · 11-01-2014 12:19AM

corktina wrote: »

Two ducks swimming across the Firth of Forth and a great big oil tanker looms up at them

"Quack" says one

"I'm swimming as quack as I can " says the other

If you think that event happened in the Firth of Forth, you don't know much about accents.

It was Belfast Lough!

corktina · 11-01-2014 12:20AM

The ducks were on holiday

corktina · 11-01-2014 12:34AM

Collie D wrote: »

A nun, a supermodel, Bertie Ahern and Mick from Dublin are sharing a compartment on a train. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes black. All of a sudden they hear a loud "SMACK" and when the train re-emerges from the tunnel Bertie has a big red handprint on the side of his face.

The nun thinks to herself: That creep must have got handsy with the supermodel when we went into the tunnel and she smacked him. Good for her!

The supermodel thinks: He must have tried to feel me up while we were in the dark and got the nun instead. Well done, Sister!

Bertie thinks to himself: What was that for?! I didn't do anything. I bet that Mick fella made a grab at yer wan and she thought it was me. It's not fair!

Mick smiles to himself thinking:
Jaysus, I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that f*cker again.

there's a good tunnel under the Phoenix Park, if you are that way Mick.

Hagar the Nice. · 11-01-2014 12:39AM

corktina wrote: »

The ducks were on holiday

Hellooooooooooo:D
http://

corktina · 11-01-2014 12:41AM

nah there was two of them

Hagar the Nice. · 11-01-2014 07:58PM

Here's his pal,the look alike though.

http://omg.wthax.org/7H2MAv.jpg

Curly Judge · 13-01-2014 11:01PM

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Flibbles · 14-01-2014 10:00AM

Curly Judge wrote: »

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

donegal_man · 14-01-2014 11:11AM

Flibbles wrote: »

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

Well adultery was once known as 'criminal correspondence' so maybe it's a rather old joke

Curly Judge · 14-01-2014 12:12PM

Flibbles wrote: »

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

For all pedantic pillocks everywhere:

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/2010-04-26-column26_ST_N.htm

ruthloss · 14-01-2014 12:41PM

Why put a 'About the Author' section in an Autobiography?

Hagar the Nice. · 14-01-2014 11:15PM

A Brunette, Redhead and Blonde entered into a game show.

The host explained the rules, “I am going to say jokes for a hour straight and who ever doesn’t laugh at the end receives $5000.00!” The host starts and after 15 minutes the redhead is out. He continues and after 40 minutes the brunette is out.

When the clock hits 59 minutes he gives up on making the blonde laugh. All of a sudden the blonde starts laughing, “Why are you cracking up now, all you had was one more minute to win the prize and I didn’t even tell a joke now?” He asks.

She replies, “I know, but I just got the first joke!”

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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