The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley

Dartz wrote: »

Mailed this to the oulfella...

Who's trapped in there all day at work.

Atleast he wont be dry.

Dartz

rolliepoley wrote: »

Atleast he wont be dry.

Had to be up at 6am to give him a lift in. Then he's getting a lift out this evening....

I suppose you could call it wet work. Hah!

chughes

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Put it in a microwave and cook it till its bill withers.....


If you got this first time, have a lovely day

Howard Juneau

chughes wrote: »

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Put it in a microwave and cook it till its bill withers.....


If you got this first time, have a lovely day

Its too dark & late now to work that out, I may get it in tomorrow...when I wake up in the morning light...

chughes

Howard Juneau wrote: »

Its too dark & late now to work that out, I may get it in tomorrow...when I wake up in the morning light...

Hopefully the sunlight won't hurt your eyes Howard, and don't let it bear heavy on your mind.

WilyCoyote

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

First time I heard this a glass of porter was 9 pennies

Sunnyisland

:)

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'


So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

Capt'n Midnight

It's 363 days till Christmas and already people have their lights up.

Unbelievable.






If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.

Mariasofia

Whats the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover *or any car of choice* owner?



The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

Capt'n Midnight

Celtic tiger and all that


What's the difference between an architect and a pigeon ?

A pigeon can still put a deposit on a BMW

Hagar the Nice.

Most folk are under the impression that a pirate's favourite word is R,actually its P,cos without it the become very irate.

Hagar the Nice.

There once was a woman who got breast implants made of wood.
It would be great if this joke had a punchline...........wooden tit.

Hagar the Nice.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyonce.

Hagar the Nice.

Conjunctivitis.com - now there is a site for sore eyes.

Vojera

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Most folk are under the impression that a pirate's favourite word is R,actually its P,cos without it the become very irate.

Ah no, a pirate's first love be the C

Hagar the Nice.

.A lady was driving down a country road, doing the speed limit, and was enjoying the drive, suddenly, a hare jumps out in front of the car, she has no time to react, and hits the hare killing it instantly. Absolutely horrified that she just killed a hare,she pulls over, and cries in her car. About 5 minutes later, a priest happens to drive by, notices her, and stops. He comes to her window, and asks "My dear child, why are you crying?" The lady responds through her sobs: "I hit a hare.". The priest says not a word, and proceeds back to his car, opens the back, grabs a spray can, and walks over to the hare.
The lady, now out of her car, is watching the priest spray the hare with the can. Some time passes and the hare springs back to life, dusts itself off, and runs for about 50 feet, stops, and waves. The priest repeats this until they can no longer see the hare. The lady, now awestruck, asks the priest in a shaky voice: "What did you do? What is in that can?" The priest hands her the can, and the lady reads aloud: "... Super Hair, will bring any hair back to life and adds permanent wave.".

Hagar the Nice.

Vojera wrote: »

Ah no, a pirate's first love be the C

'Oi,landlubber,I'm the Capn o this ship,don't ye forget it.':D

Capt'n Midnight

Vojera wrote: »

Ah no, a pirate's first love B D C

fyp :pac:

EoghanIRL

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

fyp :pac:

R

Zackdickensdog

O R

rolliepoley

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
























A sunken chest with no booty!

Howard Juneau

rolliepoley wrote: »

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
























A sunken chest with no booty!

I would have thought 2 hooks for hands & an itchy ballsack! :P

K.Flyer

An American tourist was strolling through Dublin City centre and found himself taking in the the sights and sounds of the Moore St market area. Caught up in the fusion of smells and the noise he decides to buy himself some fruit from one of the stalls that line the Moore St footpath.
"Maam, can I have a half dozen of your apples please" he drawls in his best Texan accent.
"Here ye are luv, two euro please" she says handing him a paper bag of apples.
Up the street a bit, he decides to eat one of the apples and looking into the bag sees that there are only five in the bag, so he turns and heads back to the street seller who he bought the apples from.
"Excuse me Maam, I bought this bag of apples of you a short time ago"
"Yes luv" she replies, "Is there a problem?"
"Well Maam" he drawls, "I know things are a little different between our two countries, but I do believe that in both our countries a "half a dozen" still means six, is that not so?
"That's right luv, a half a dozen is six, why whats wrong? she asks him.
"Ya see Maam when I opened the bag a moment ago there was only "five" apples in the bag, one was missing, I asked for a half dozen" he says.
"That's right" she says, "I forgot to say it to ya when I was giving you the bag. One yer apples was rotton so I threw it in the bin for ya, that left ye with the five"

J Cheever Loophole

Not a good start to 2014 as the PSNI have warned that terrorists are planning to place explosive material in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.
They said if the devices go off, it could spell disaster.

J Cheever Loophole

Double post.

Hagar the Nice.

My doctor told me my arm was broken in 3 places.
I won't be going to those places again...:(

Queen-Mise

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the house of the ugliest person in the world.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Chicken.

Hagar the Nice.

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.
‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!

Capt'n Midnight

There was a knock on my door and when I opened it a councillor was outside.

She said, "Do you like tents?"

"No," I replied. "Why?"

"Well," she said. "We're canvassing the whole area.

Hootanany

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil.. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the door of
the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George .

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...













"OK, Monica, you're free to go..

I'll get my coat