The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Sunnyisland

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an ?a--hole? . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a ?s--t head?. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote..

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
__________________

J Cheever Loophole

An oldie but given the time of year - probably originates from a seventies Two Ronnies Christmas Special - apologies if it's here already.


The Christmas panto for paranoid schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when someone in the audience shouted 'he's behind you!'.

rolliepoley

At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: boat 99, your hour is up, please head in.

An employee walks up to him and says: We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99 sir.

The caller then said into the microphone: Boat 66, are you in trouble?

inc21

Deleted User wrote: »

Aircraft Repairs:

Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

OMG! Came back 2nd time and still laughed my head off.

Have to save it somewhere...

Sunnyisland

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
__________________

Sunnyisland

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you silly active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*****g me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

rolliepoley

Enda kenny ordered stamps with his portrait, manufactured in his
honour to show the Irish people how good a job he was doing. After a while some complaints were made that the stamps were not sticking, Investigations were conducted by the GPO and revealed the reason :people where spitting on the wrong side of the stamps.

Curly Judge

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE FOR WOMEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, January 31st, 2014

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

teacherhead

In a similar vein...... old but good



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance parked from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Banjo String

Duffys circus were holding auditions in the ring to try and discover the next big act of 2013.

This fella entered the ring and walked over to the ring master.

"Good afternoon says the ring master, and what is your act"?

"I'm a bird impressionist" says your man.


"bird impressionist??????" asks the ring master. "sorry, but we're after the greatest act for 2013", "I can tell you here and now that it won't be you". "if you were a tight role walker, a fire eater, or juggled chainsaws there might be a chance". Impersonating birds indeed. Sure who the hell would want to see that"? Said the ring master, rolling his eyes.

The man just shrugged his shoulders, said " fair enough, suit yourselves".

Then flew out of the ring.

rolliepoley

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Dartz

American Joke....



Knock Knock...

BANG!!

Wurly

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

Sunnyisland

For the days that are in it...
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!
What does Santa put on his toast?
"Jingle Jam"
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!
What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!
What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!
What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!
What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!
What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!
What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!
What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!
What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!
What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!


Hohoho

rolliepoley

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Capt'n Midnight

Saw a man sitting in an AA van sobbing his heart out. I thought 'He's heading for a breakdown'.


He wasn't. He was just popping to Tesco. Which was like a war zone today, only with a better selection of cheese.

Hitchens

Outside a male psychiatric hospital in Berlin at Christmas, a group of carol singers sang: "God Rest Ye Gerry Mentalmen.........."

rolliepoley

Hitchens wrote: »

Outside a male psychiatric hospital in Berlin at Christmas, a group of carol singers sang: "God Rest Ye Gerry Mentalmen.........."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKD44k4cDGs

Hagar the Nice.

I went into the docs yesterday and asked him if he had anything for wind,cheeky b handed me a kite.

cantdecide

An octopus goes into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument there is!". Someone gives him a guitar which he plays better then Hendrix. Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better then Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman's says "Whats wrong, can ye no play it?" Octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna fcuk her brains out once I get her Pyjamas off

Hagar the Nice.

Four fonts walk into a bar and before they could order a drink up the barman said "Right you lot,beat it,we don't want your type in here."

Hagar the Nice.

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

Hagar the Nice.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"
True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Hey mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?"
The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."

rolliepoley

An elderly lady was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.

Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

She spotted a gas station ahead, screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

rolliepoley

HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace.

I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.

THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp.

I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight.

PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer.

Capt'n Midnight

The long walk home by Misty Bus

Capt'n Midnight

"Irish Heart Surgery", by Angie O'Plasty.

"Split Personalities", by Jacqueline Hyde.

"On The Mitch", by Marcus Absent.

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant", by Mahatma Coate.

"I Lost My Balance", by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.

"Mystery in the Barnyard", by Hu Flung Dung.

"The Philippine Post Office", by Imelda Letter.

"Come on In!", by Doris Open.

"Prison Security", by Barb Dweyer.

"Cry of Innocence", by Ivan Alibi.

"How I Won the Maraton", by Randy Holway.

"Songs from South Pacific", by Sam and Janet Evening.

Cheensbo

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

-He picked up a hammer and saw

Did you hear about the lazy plumber?

-He wouldn't do a tap


What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, turn em into a tyre and call it a goodyear

rolliepoley

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, An American woman wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her ten kids - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the eleven of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched this entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the woman said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed them to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Dartz

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

Mailed this to the oulfella...

Who's trapped in there all day at work.