The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Sir Arthur Daley

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

CarrickMcJoe

A labourer sits on the bus next to a well dressed man with a small shiny case.

"De ya mind me askin ya, what's in your case? says the labourer.

"Thats my measuring equipment because I'm an engineer and we measure to within 1000th of a millimetre" he replies.

"Jaysus, you'd never be any good in my job, we have to be spot on"!

Hedgemeister

Blonde lady sitting on an upturned table in the middle of a field, using oars, and pretending her table was a boat.

Second blonde lady driving past stopped and shouted... "Hey you, what on earth do you think you're doing?"

Lady on table shouts back..."Not that it's any of your damned business, but I'm rowing my boat on the lake!"

Second blond shouts, "You're not on a lake, you're in a f****n corn-field field, but if I swim out there I'll soon put manners on you!"

(sounds better after a few drinks)

rolliepoley

Tom Callahan lived in Detroit, Michigan and worked in Windsor. He had to take the ferryboat home every evening. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Tom decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain and having a great time. When he got back to the ferry entrance gate, the ferryboat was just seven feet from the dock. Tom, afraid of missing the boat and being late for dinner, took a running jump and landed right on the deck of the ferryboat. "How did you like that jump?" said a proud Tom to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Hedgemeister

Then there was the near-sighted American Navy pilot in WW2 having difficulty landing on his Aircraft Carrier.
After three unsuccessful attempts he finally landed to much cheering and applause by the assembled ships crew.
Grinning broadly he marched from his plane and saluted the Captain, before proudly announcing; 'Lt. Bradley reporting for duty Sir...I've just shot down three Jap Zeroes and blew the shyte outa Tojo's Palace before runnin' out of ammo.'

The Captain of the Japanese Carrier smiled an even broader smile;
'And for that you shall die, you American pig!'

EoghanIRL

What do men and women have in common?

Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

EoghanIRL

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk.

The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other.
The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in court.
The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Paddy rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."
"Go ahead, Paddy," said the judge. "Take the stand."
Paddy explained, "Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride.
After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song.
"All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"



"Hurt?" replied Paddy,"He broke three of my fingers!"

rolliepoley

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

Aircraft Repairs:

Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

rolliepoley

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

MyKeyG

What is it better to suffer from, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?

Parkinson's! It's better to spill half your pint than forget where you left it .

rolliepoley

"I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we have diagnosed that you have HAGS. We're going to have to put you on a pizza and pancake diet immediately."



"HAGS? What's that?"



"It's a combination of Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis."



"My God, that sounds horrible! Will the pizza and pancake diet help?"



"No, but it's the only stuff we can slide under the door!"

MJ23

What's brown and stiff?

It's not Nelson Mandela.



Tom Daley's cock.

Sunnyisland

Making babies
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me...I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it", said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus", he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Sunnyisland

And then the fight started
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started

Happy christmas

AlanS181824

That Nelson Mandella/Tom Daley one is terrible... Couldn't help laugh though :P
...Feel terrible.

AlanS181824

That Nelson Mandella/Tom Daley one is terrible... Couldn't help laugh though :P
...Feel terrible.

Hagar the Nice.

realies wrote: »

Making babies
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me...I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it", said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus", he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

I posted that in the Beano in 1975.;)

Hitchens

AlanS181824 wrote: »

That Nelson Mandella/Tom Daley one is terrible... Couldn't help laugh though :P
...Feel terrible.

...and so you should :pac:

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near & is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? . . . The old bugger has a paper round!"

oranbhoy67

Deleted User wrote: »

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near & is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? . . . The old bugger has a paper round!"

rolliepoley wrote: »

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

Anti-Donegal & Anti-Scottish racism rampant on this thread

Im doubly outraged

rolliepoley

oranbhoy67 wrote: »

Anti-Donegal & Anti-Scottish racism rampant on this thread

Im doubly outraged

A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

burnhardlanger

Three kids, from Jamaica, Norway and Cork were at school arguing whose Dad was the fastest.

"My Dad can run 100m in under 10 seconds" said the Jamaican. "He's the fastest"

"But my Dad loves downhill skiing. He goes 80 mile per hour sometimes" countered the Norwegian. "He's faster than your Dad".

"My Dad works for Cork Corporation" said the Cork lad.

"He finishes work at 5 and get's home for 3"

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

This is a first for me, as I normally don't preach to others. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, a few days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before — I took a bus home. Sure enough on the way home, there was a police booze checkpoint, but since it was a bus they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a bus before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my back yard, I don't know what to do with it.






Merry Christmas…!

rolliepoley

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

catgalway

Earlier this year, a group of bikers were riding out when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Sunnyisland

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....




"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Sunnyisland

Favourite German Joke

"A german couple had a baby boy. After two years he had not spoken a word. The doctors could not find any thing wrong and advised them to wait and see.

When he was eight years old they were having dinner and the boy said "This soup needs salt" The parents were amazed and asked "Hans why have you not spoken before ? "




The boy replied "Up to now every thing has been to my satisfaction "