The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Duck Soup

On his morning walk, a doctor noticed this very old lady.

She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have unprotected sex, and I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-six," she replied.

rolliepoley

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Wossack

I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

juniord

a man hired a hitman to shoot his wife and her lover , the hitman told him it was 5 grand a shot, so he gave the shooter 10 k and said i want her lover shot in the back of the head and my wife shot in the fanny , i want it done tonight, the hitman rang him back the next day and said i saved you 5k

Aquagakka

David Moyes has told his players that Manchester United will be in Europe

next year, even if he has to write the song himself.

Hagar the Nice.

Wife told me that if I don't stop watching porno on my computer she'll hit me over the head with the keyboafyufutdrydjhtfjhfkhgcuyxux

Curly Judge

Pythagoras’ Theorem.…………………………24 words.
The Lord’s Prayer……………………………………66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle…………………………………67 words.
The Ten Commandments……………………………….179 words.
The Gettysburg Address………………………………………286 words.
The US Declaration of Independence………………………..1,300 words.
The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments……………………7,818 words.
EU Regulations on the sale of Cabbages……………………………………26,911 words

Hagar the Nice.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Hagar the Nice.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

tayto lover

I got it the second time Hagar

Hagar the Nice.

tayto lover wrote: »

I got it the second time Hagar

It's a problem with boards.ie as quite a few on here press the submit button once only to find out its posted twice,in some cases three times.

Anyway.....
What do you call a brunette in the middle of 2 blonde's? ................... An interpreter!

Hagar the Nice.

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

ohmslaw

My granny always said it was more important to be rich and happy than be poor and sick.

Hagar the Nice.

Breaking news,Juan Mata has just been arrested for attempting a u-turn on the M6.

Capt'n Midnight

Wrong in so many ways


What do you call a pig with wings ? Linda McCartney.

Ed Winchester

What do vegetarian worms eat?


Linda McCartney

rolliepoley

A group of men sat at a bar, drinking and telling each other some of their past stories of bravery. While the group of men sat there drinking and laughing at each other's stories, a small nerdy-looking character entered the room, sat next to them and ordered a beer. Overhearing the men's stories, he started laughing and caught their attention. One of the men invited him to join them and give a story of his own. Despite his shyness, he was eventually pressured into telling a story of his own. He finally started, "Well it all took place at the city zoo..." The guys started to laugh. "My wife and I were taking some pictures of the monkeys, when all of a sudden there was a loud scream. When I looked around there was a crowd of people running toward us with a large roaring sound behind them. So I grabbed my wife and took off, running. Apparently a lion had escaped and was terrorizing the compound. We quickly past by the crowd, but the lion was close behind. All of a sudden, just like in the movies, my wife trips and falls. I don't know what got into me but I actually stopped to help her up with the lion just a few feet away. With the lion right there I knew we could not make it by running, so I pushed my wife aside to safety and I played hero -- I decided to play decoy. I just stood there in the middle of the lion's path. I wanted to run but I just couldn't, and as the lion got closer it sprang at me. As it sprang at me I slid to the left. The lion, being furious that it missed, turned around and sprang at me again. I slid to the right. This went on for some time, until the lion somehow slipped and fell, and got up and headed in the opposite direction." "Dammmnnn, that's one hell of a story, bartender get this guy another beer," one of the guys yelled, and the others agreed. Through all the commotion one of the guys, said "damn you're brave, personally, if it were me I would have sh*t myself." The heroic storyteller replied, "Well, ummm, what do you think me and the lion were slipping and sliding on?"

CarrickMcJoe

What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't think hes Bono !

Busted Flat.

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't think hes Bono !

Not much, the catholic church destroyed God, Boner destroyed himself.

ahnowbrowncow

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't think hes Bono !

So the difference is that Bono thinks he's Bono?

AngryHippie

Nah, He's never even met him.

Curly Judge

Probably been posted before ...but here goes:

A duck is standing at the edge of the road trying to decide if he should cross.
A passing chicken sees him and shouts, "I wouldn't do that if I was you mate. You'll never hear the ****ing end of it"!

J Cheever Loophole

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs that my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme!

:pac:

Curly Judge

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

Curly Judge

THE OLDER WOMAN [Be very careful]

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”

Curly Judge

THE OLDER WOMAN [Be very careful]

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”

Hitchens

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.








Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

:eek:

CarrickMcJoe

Postman was on his last round before retiring and is invited into one house tea. Blonde lady serves up a nice fry and says, "when your finished come upstairs".

After cleaning the plate, Postie heads up and into the bedroom where the woman strips off, puts a pound coin on a saucer on the bedside locker, grabs your man, rips his clothes off and screws him senseless.

Job done, Postman putting on his uniform says, "Thanks for everything, but do ya mind me asking, what's the coin for ?".

Blonde replies, "I mentioned to my husband last night that it was your last day and what did he think about giving you breakfast". He looked at me and said, "Fvck him and give him a pound!".

rolliepoley

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise!"

Hagar the Nice.

I went to a fancy dress party last nite,it was great,I went dressed up as a slice of bread,the birds were all over me in no time at all.