The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

iMac_Hunt · 04-10-2013 08:50AM

I got thrown out of a Muslim clothes shop today for asking where the bomber jackets were...... Touchy bastards

Hagar the Nice. · 04-10-2013 10:49PM

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

04-10-2013 10:57PM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Cool story bro!

edit: Or I should that has a cool ring to it!

Busted Flat. · 04-10-2013 10:59PM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Did you ever try a twirliwirly ?.

Hagar the Nice. · 04-10-2013 11:01PM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Did you ever try a twirliwirly ?.

Eh? What sort of person do you take me for!!!

MonsterCookie · 04-10-2013 11:49PM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Reminds me of the old one about George Michael being done for shoving a chocolate bar up his hole...it was a careless wispa...:D

Mariasofia · 05-10-2013 12:18AM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Did it leave you a wibbly wobbly wonder?

Howard Juneau · 05-10-2013 12:29AM

Mariasofia wrote: »

Did it leave you a wibbly wobbly wonder?

No, but it did give him a chilli willi

donegal__road · 05-10-2013 01:09AM

Paddy goes on a trip to Romania, and meets a Romanian girl for a few drinks. Things are going well between them so he proposes that they spend the night together in his hotel for a shag, he would pay her €200. She agrees, everything works out well...

so he suggests that they meet up again the following night, and for another €200 they would have a shag... and she agrees... all goes well.

Again he suggests that they meet up on the third night and do the same again, have a shag for €200, and she agrees..

so after the third night together, the Romanian girls asks Paddy where in Ireland he is from... to which he replies 'Donegal'

'I have a sister that lives there' she says....

'I know' says Paddy... 'the day I was leaving she gave me €600 and asked me to give it to you'

Busted Flat. · 05-10-2013 01:24AM

Passing out parade in the marines the sargent major had all the guys in the line, as he went along the line to inspect them, he hit the first one with his stick in the leg, he said did that hurt, no replied the soldier for I am a marine, the next one he hit across the shines, he said did that hurt, no came the reply for I am a marine, the next he came to had a big pr1ck sticking out in front of him, the sarge hit it with his stick, and said did that hurt, the marine replied no sir, why said the sarge, the marine because it belongs to to the guy behind me,

05-10-2013 01:35AM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Passing out parade in the marines the sargent major had all the guys in the line, as he went along the line to inspect them, he hit the first one with his stick in the leg, he said did that hurt, no replied the soldier for I am a marine, the next one he hit across the shines, he said did that hurt, no came the reply for I am a marine, the next he came to had a big pr1ck sticking out in front of him, the sarge hit it with his stick, and said did that hurt, the marine replied no sir, why said the sarge, the marine because it belongs to to the guy behind me,

My neighbours said OUCH!

They’re Shines

05-10-2013 01:47AM

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

branie · 05-10-2013 01:47AM

How did John Travolta break his neck?

He slipped on Grease

EoghanIRL · 05-10-2013 09:27AM

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite.

only to realise when I got home i had picked 7up.

eisenberg1 · 05-10-2013 01:11PM

branie wrote: »

How did John Travolta break his neck?

He slipped on Grease

Sweet divine jeses....................

Redbrunette · 05-10-2013 09:11PM

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Redbrunette · 05-10-2013 09:12PM

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Allyall · 05-10-2013 09:15PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Sweet divine jeses....................

Redbrunette wrote: »

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Sweet divine cheeses....................

Busted Flat. · 05-10-2013 11:27PM

A 95 year old man called into his doctor, his complaint was his sex drive was to high, can you give me something to lower it the doctor replied what are you complaining about, that is remarkable for a man of your age. You do not understand doctor he replied, it is all in me head, I want to lower it to between me legs.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-10-2013 12:09AM

PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
Mark Jordan, e-mail

IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.
Carlos, Northern Ireland

CINEMA BUILDERS. Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
Dave Stuttard, Warrington

LECTURERS. Clear nail varnish makes ideal tippex for correcting mistakes on overhead transparencies.
P A Hallows, Manchester

EoghanIRL · 06-10-2013 12:20AM

There's a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

But none of them work.

EoghanIRL · 06-10-2013 12:24AM

Why do Jehovah witness' not celebrate Halloween?

Because they don't like random people knocking on their door.

rolliepoley · 06-10-2013 03:40PM

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

rolliepoley · 06-10-2013 07:03PM

A woman opens her front door on Halloween night and finds a little boy in a pirate costume. "Oh, what an adorable pirate!" she exclaims. "Where are your buccaneers?"

"Under my buccan hat," he replies.

EoghanIRL · 06-10-2013 11:45PM

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"

Mr Tibbs · 07-10-2013 01:14AM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

rolliepoley · 07-10-2013 07:33PM

What do you do if a bird s**ts on your car?

Don’t ask her out again.

rolliepoley · 07-10-2013 07:37PM

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

No it was an ice cream lolly, and when he pulled it back out, it became a choc-ice.

rolliepoley · 07-10-2013 07:56PM

What’s the first sign of Madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

rolliepoley · 07-10-2013 08:12PM

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely. And so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company. After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time. He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me.

At this point, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, I heard you the first time. hang on a minute, I'm putting on my shoes!"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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