The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mariasofia · 06-08-2013 05:34PM

My friend invited me to a karma party this weekend. I asked her what should I bring with me. "Just deserts" she replied.

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 07:38PM

whats long, hard, and straight going in, but soft wet, and squishy coming out??

chewing gum!

the purple tin · 06-08-2013 07:42PM

In ancient Jerusalem an angry mob had dragged a prostitute into the town square so that they could put her to death for her sins by stoning her.
They were just about to begin when Jesus Christ stepped out in front of the trembling woman, raised his hands and said 'Wait! Can any of you truthfully say that your soul is unblemished? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.
No sooner had he said this than a huge stone comes sailing over the crowd, strikes the unfortunate woman between the eyes and kills her instantly. At which point Jesus spun around angrily and shouted 'Ah for **** sake Ma!'.

06-08-2013 07:54PM

ANDY ROONEY, (American Journalist) ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 08:40PM

An inventor goes to the patent office, sees the patent officer and says, "I've got an invention; it's a folding bottle. I call it a fottle, get it? - folding bottle - fottle."
"Very nice, sir," the patent officer says. "Do you have any other inventions?"
"Yes, I do. I also have a folding carton; I call it a farton," replies the inventor.
"I'm sorry, sir," the officer says, "but that is an inappropriate name; it's disgusting."
"Oh," groans the inventor, "then I guess you wouldn't be interested in my folding bucket."

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 08:54PM

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 09:03PM

2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
The friend replies, "No...Cord....fine...."
The first friend cries out, "Well what the hell happened down there??"
The second friends slowly replies, "What...the....hell... is a...pinata?"

everlast75 · 06-08-2013 09:13PM

I went out for a meal the other night.

The waiter took offense to something I said.

He threw a carton of milk, a block of cheese and a tub of cream at me.

I couldn't believe it! I mean, how dairy!?!

Luap · 06-08-2013 09:17PM

What Vegetable makes you cry?

Reply: Onion.

Did you ever get a belt of a turnip?

Some12 · 06-08-2013 09:24PM

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

A Submarine....

Some12 · 06-08-2013 09:25PM

What starts with F and ends with UCK ???

A fire truck......

Some12 · 06-08-2013 09:26PM

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve???

Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!

wazky · 06-08-2013 09:27PM

My Grandfather died in a Nazi Concentration camp during WW2.

He fell out of his watchtower.

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 09:33PM

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying: "Damn that was fun!"

Hagar the Nice. · 06-08-2013 09:44PM

Young couple on their honeymoon banging away and the bloke says 'Hunnybunchess,why don't we tape record what we're doing tonite so that in the future if we're arguing with each other then we'll play back what we've done tonite and we'll make up,okay?'
'Hunnypumpkins,that's a great idea,'
4 weeks later they are arguing like mad when the wife says 'Hunnypumkins,what about the tape recording we made?'
'Sheesh,I forgot all about that,yeah,let's shove it on.'
So the guy plays the tape and out comes 'Ohhhh what happiness,ohhhh what happiness '
Both look at each other in amazement and wonder who it was on tape,so they decide to play it again and out comes the same message.
The wife then notices the tape is at the wrong speed,rewind it and out comes 'Oh what a penis,oh what a penis.'

Hitchens · 06-08-2013 09:50PM

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did - in his sleep.......

.............not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

rolliepoley · 06-08-2013 11:53PM

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
- Dave Bassett, Sky Sports
"Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy."
- Jimmy Magee, RTE
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
- Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator)
"I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
- Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
- Ron Atkinson
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."
- Ian Wright commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
- Ian Rush
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
- Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
- David Vine
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
- David Coleman
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
- Metro Radio
"... and later we will have action from the men's coxless pairs..."
- Sue Barker
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
- David Coleman
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank: 'On what?"
"Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
- Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that"
- Desmond Lynam
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
- Ruud Gullit
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
- Ron Atkinson
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
- John Motson
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
- Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
- Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
- Mark Draper (Aston Villa)
"There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class"
- David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics
"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
- David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day
"... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"
- John Arlott
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"
- Gary McCord - on the greens at Augusta
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
- USTV commentator
"They'll be watching him (Mike Tyson) with a fine toothcomb from now on"
- CNN Sports commentator

FanadMan · 07-08-2013 02:18AM

rolliepoley wrote: »

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
- Dave Bassett, Sky Sports
................

There's a few new and good ones in there.......the rest are old classics and should never be forgotten

the purple tin · 07-08-2013 12:34PM

A man went into a hotel one evening and asked the girl at reception if she had a room for the night.
'I'm sorry' she said 'but we're fully booked'.
'Look' said the man 'if the Taoiseach came in here now looking for a room, you'd find one for him wouldn't you?'
'I suppose...yes, yes I would' said the receptionist.
'Well he doesn't want it' said the man 'so I'll have his'.

Peanut Butter Jelly · 07-08-2013 12:34PM

To add a few from Michéal O'Muircheartaigh

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"

"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language"

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the 40......he's on the 30..........................
he's on the ground"

"Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "

"Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball"

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

the purple tin · 07-08-2013 12:59PM

John and Joe are having a weekend away in the big city. They spend all day getting totally pissed and then decide they better find a B & B for the night.
They stagger into the first one they see and Joe drunkenly tells the woman 'We want a room with TWO beds,TWO, one bed each OK? one bed each' She assures them that it's a twin room and after they pay her she hands over the key.
When the gents get to their room they can't find the lightswitch and they're so drunk they end up getting into the same bed together.
'Here, Joe!' John whispers in the dark, 'that old bitch has ripped us off, she's got me sharing this bed with someone else!'
'I'll tell you something' says Joe 'she's put somebody in with me too'
'Well, I'm not ****ing having this' said John 'lets kick the bastards out!'
There's the sound of a brief struggle and then a loud thump. 'Ha ha! Here Joe, I got rid of the prick' shouts John.
'Great, but my bloke's after kicking me out of the bed' Joe whined.
'Ah, never mind pal' says John 'hop in here, you can share with me'

Capt'n Midnight · 07-08-2013 02:06PM

I've got a temporary job in a cigar factory.

I'm on a 30 day rolling contract.

Micky Dolenz · 07-08-2013 02:15PM

One sperm turns to another and askes "how far to this egg?" The other sperm replies "it's a ways yet, we just past the tonsils"

Deise Vu · 07-08-2013 02:33PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He burst into a bank and shouted "air in the arms motherstickers, this is a ****up".

--Kaiser-- · 07-08-2013 02:48PM

Deise Vu wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He burst into a bank and shouted "air in the arms motherstickers, this is a ****up".

Dem's spoonerism's, not spelling mistakes

Deise Vu · 08-08-2013 11:42AM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Dem's spoonerism's, not spelling mistakes

I forgot to make it clear, he was reading from a "How to..." instruction manual.

the purple tin · 08-08-2013 12:42PM

Little Jimmy came home from school and said to his father 'Da, I think my teacher fancies me you know'
'Why do you say that?' asks his father.
'Because she keeps putting kisses after my sums'.

Hagar the Nice. · 08-08-2013 01:23PM

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

Hagar the Nice. · 08-08-2013 01:27PM

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Hagar the Nice. · 08-08-2013 01:30PM

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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