The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

the purple tin

John and Joe are having a weekend away in the big city. They spend all day getting totally pissed and then decide they better find a B & B for the night.
They stagger into the first one they see and Joe drunkenly tells the woman 'We want a room with TWO beds,TWO, one bed each OK? one bed each' She assures them that it's a twin room and after they pay her she hands over the key.
When the gents get to their room they can't find the lightswitch and they're so drunk they end up getting into the same bed together.
'Here, Joe!' John whispers in the dark, 'that old bitch has ripped us off, she's got me sharing this bed with someone else!'
'I'll tell you something' says Joe 'she's put somebody in with me too'
'Well, I'm not ****ing having this' said John 'lets kick the bastards out!'
There's the sound of a brief struggle and then a loud thump. 'Ha ha! Here Joe, I got rid of the prick' shouts John.
'Great, but my bloke's after kicking me out of the bed' Joe whined.
'Ah, never mind pal' says John 'hop in here, you can share with me'

Capt'n Midnight

I've got a temporary job in a cigar factory.

I'm on a 30 day rolling contract.

Micky Dolenz

One sperm turns to another and askes "how far to this egg?" The other sperm replies "it's a ways yet, we just past the tonsils"

Deise Vu

Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He burst into a bank and shouted "air in the arms motherstickers, this is a ****up".

--Kaiser--

Deise Vu wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He burst into a bank and shouted "air in the arms motherstickers, this is a ****up".

Dem's spoonerism's, not spelling mistakes

Deise Vu

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Dem's spoonerism's, not spelling mistakes

I forgot to make it clear, he was reading from a "How to..." instruction manual.

the purple tin

Little Jimmy came home from school and said to his father 'Da, I think my teacher fancies me you know'
'Why do you say that?' asks his father.
'Because she keeps putting kisses after my sums'.

Hagar the Nice.

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

Hagar the Nice.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Hagar the Nice.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Hagar the Nice.

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

Hagar the Nice.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

rolliepoley

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

rolliepoley

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

the purple tin

A 106 year old man walks into the doctors and says 'I want a full check up, Doc, I've met an 18 year old woman online and I'm going to her house this evening for a no strings sex session'.
'18!' said the doctor shocked. 'At your age that could prove fatal!'
'Well...' said the man shrugging his shoulders 'If she dies, she dies'

corktina

the purple tin wrote: »

A 106 year old man walks into the doctors and says 'I want a full check up, Doc, I've met an 18 year old woman online and I'm going to her house this evening for a no strings sex session'.
'18!' said the doctor shocked. 'At your age that could prove fatal!'
'Well...' said the man shrugging his shoulders 'If she dies, she dies'

is that the same guy whose new girlfriend had a bad heart, and he told her to lie on her side and he'd try and miss it?

Hagar the Nice.

How do you get an Essex girl up onto a roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Comer1

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

How do you get an Essex girl up onto a roof?

Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Sweet Jesus!

the purple tin

A man and woman are having sex in her bedroom when they hear the front door slam, 'oh ****!, it's my husband! he's come home early' said the woman.
'Quick get in the wardrobe' she said pushing him in as he frantically gathered his clothes, 'I'll get him out of the room and then you can go out the window!'
The man is getting dressed in the darkness of the wardrobe and listening to the woman chatting to her husband outside when a little voice beside him says 'I love being in the dark'.
The man nearly has a heart attack and finally flicks his cigarette lighter to see a little boy beside him. 'I saw what you did with my Mam' said the boy 'if I tell my Da you'll be in big trouble'.
'No! please!' whispers the man 'Look, I'll give you €5 if you don't say anything'
'10' said the little boy. So the man handed him a €10 note, then realising that the woman and her husband had left the bedroom, he darted out of the wardrobe, out the window and down the drain pipe and shot off up the street like a rocket.
Next morning the little boy is admiring his tenner when his father walks into the room. 'Where did you get that?' he asks. 'I found it' says the boy.
'No you didn't' says the father angrily snatching it from him, 'you stole it somewhere, didn't you?', 'no, I found it' says the boy.
'You're a liar and a thief!' says his father, 'get down to the church straight away and go to confession'.
The boy walks down to the church, waits in line and finally enters the dark confession box. 'Oh, I love being in the dark' he says. He hears somebody say 'Oh for God's sake!' the little hatch opens and a €10 note slides through.

rolliepoley

A cop stopped a lady driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Didn't you see the arrows?
Lady: Arrows? I didn't even see the Indian

Hagar the Nice.

A guy goes for a wee in the gents and is standing next to a bloke who may or may not be called Mbegane Ndulu.
Having a look round as you do at these times, he notices the size of the other guys equipment and asks how it got to be so big.
Mbegane says that when he was a kid, his mum tied a rock to it using a bit of string and the weight made it grow bigger.
After a bit of thought, the first guy reckons it's worth a try.
3 weeks go by and as they do in jokes like this, the 2 men happened to meet in the same bog.....
Mbegane asks how it's going and the other guy says...
Well, it's halfway working.
It's gone black.

Hagar the Nice.

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel bloody awful today."

Welsh Megaman

I once played poker with a pack of tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died!

Hagar the Nice.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man hired a chinese detective
a few days later he received this report

Most honorable sir
you leave the house
he come to house
i watch
he and she leave the house
i follow
he and she get on train
i follow
he and she go in hotel
i climb tree
look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip she
she strip he
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out of tree
no see
no fee.
__________________

Hagar the Nice.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular click for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIAHORREA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response .....

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shat in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!

the purple tin

A man who has just joined the army manages to lose his rifle while on a training mission.
When he gets back to the barracks his CO asks him where his rifle is. 'I lost it' the soldier replies. 'You bloody idiot!' shouts his CO, 'you're going to pay for that rifle'. 'But thats not fair' the soldier protests 'why should I have to pay for it? It didn't belong to me.'
'Listen you fool' says the CO 'when you join the military, any weapons or equipment in your possesion are your responsibility, if you lose it you pay for it'.
'Well...what if I'm driving a tank and I lose that?' asks the soldier.
'You pay for it' the CO replies.
'**** me!' says the soldier, 'now I understand why all these captains go down with their ships'

the purple tin

A team of council men doing road work are waiting on a delivery of new shovels. The head man calls into the council yard to pick them up but the boss tells him there's been a delay and they won't be arriving for another two days.
'But how are my men supposed to manage without shovels?' he asks.
'Just tell them to lean on each other until the shovels come' replied the boss.

rolliepoley

I'am that kind of person, that when my ship comes in, it'll arrive at the airport.

rolliepoley

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Capt'n Midnight

Churchill did well choosing a dog as their car insurance mascot.

Far better than a mere cat..