The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 12-05-2013 07:43PM

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.

To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream! The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."

Mr Tibbs · 12-05-2013 08:01PM

At the gates of heaven St Peter was interviewing every entry to Paradise.
This fellow goes up to him and says I lived a good life please let me in. Of course said St Peter you would not have got this far if you didn't. So tell me have you ever been unfaithful to your wife.
Well says the poor fellow shaking I did have a few affairs but I always came back to the wife and we spent 40 years together. That's a not a bad record God is very forgiving go in and here's the keys to a Yaris. The next fellow says I was married for 44 years until my dear wife passed away and I was never unfaithful to my darling wife. That's wonderful to hear said Peter here's the keys to a Lamborghini. So after a month in heaven the bloke who got the Yaris was driving along a beautiful country road when he saw the Lamborghini driver out of his car by the side of the road in floods of tears. So he pulled over and asked what was wrong and the other bloke said I 'm just after seeing my wife on roller skates.

gramar · 13-05-2013 07:38AM

A load of travellers turn up at the gates of heaven in their transits looking to get in.
St Peter worried that such as big group could cause a ruckus if they all got in together tells them to
wait and goes to consult with God about what he should do.
A few minutes after God has told him how to handle the situation he sees St. Peter rushing back towards him again shouting 'they're gone...they're gone'
'What do you mean..all of them?' asks God,
'No' says St Peter 'the f--king gates!'

agriman27 · 13-05-2013 04:18PM

What flower does everyone have on their face. Tulips!

Mr Tibbs · 13-05-2013 04:47PM

Paddy the Irishman, the Englishman and the Scotsmen were sitting on a plank 20 floors up having their tea break. The Englishman was about to open his lunchbox when he said if that f*ckin bitch has given me ham sandwiches again I'm going to jump off this building, sure enough when he opened his lunch he said f'*ck it and jumped off the building.
The Scotsman said the same and what do you know more ham sandwiches so he jumped to his death. Well Paddy opened this lunchbox and he also had ham so he said f*ck this and off he jumped.
At the inquest three distraught wives were really at their wits end trying to explain why their husbands jumped off the building. The English wife said if I had known Tommy hated ham so much and the Scottish wife expressed the same sentiments. The Irish wife said I don't know what was wrong with my fellow he made his own sandwiches last night.

smelly moe 1 · 13-05-2013 04:50PM

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM,,,

BUT ITS THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE,,,

chughes · 13-05-2013 06:31PM

What's the difference between Mancini and a Mankini?

Nothing - the sack is unavoidable........

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 07:40PM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 07:54PM

Biology Exam

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 08:01PM

American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted.

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 08:04PM

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 08:19PM

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anto from Dublin, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, smoked salmon, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".

Mr Tibbs · 13-05-2013 08:27PM

What has 80 eyes, no teeth and screams a lot.

The front row at a Daniel O'Donnell concert.

Mr Tibbs · 13-05-2013 08:47PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

I'd say he would be safe using 1 2 Uniflu.

Some great laughs Rollie.

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 10:17PM

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, What’s wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?? The woman replies. He is a bloody midget.

Peregrine · 13-05-2013 10:53PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of
the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Let's eat Grandpa!

Let's eat, Grandpa!

Punctuation can save a man's life.

locum-motion · 13-05-2013 10:54PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

With respect, you left out the most important part of the joke:

"The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife in a compromising position, snogging the face off the pharmacist's husband."

Think about it; why would the pharmacist consider a photo of a woman to be a 'prescription' that would justify murder?

Whereas if the woman is having an affair with the pharmacist's husband...

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 10:58PM

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 11:03PM

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f****** appendix out!"

richieffff · 13-05-2013 11:08PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 11:14PM

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 11:32PM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

Mr Tibbs · 13-05-2013 11:39PM

locum-motion wrote: »

With respect, you left out the most important part of the joke:

"The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife in a compromising position, snogging the face off the pharmacist's husband."

Think about it; why would the pharmacist consider a photo of a woman to be a 'prescription' that would justify murder?

Whereas if the woman is having an affair with the pharmacist's husband...

Jesus wept this is a joke thread Professor, I got the joke the wife was butt ugly.

Mr Tibbs · 13-05-2013 11:41PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

Jasus my phone is missing.

tayto lover · 13-05-2013 11:47PM

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?'
' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. '
May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.'

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.. 'The search team just landed a helicopter'
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....

'ME'

heinz hummer · 13-05-2013 11:56PM

2 howaya sluts walk into a perfume shop,
they go 2 the counter and get a spray sample,
Sharon sprays it on her wrist,smells it,
'dats nice innit Jacinta?'... 'yeah, wats it called?',,
Viens a moi,, VIENS A MOI??? 'WHAT THE FCUKS DAT MEAN'??
the manager offers help by sayin:
VIENS A MOI means-- come to me,
sharon sniffs the perfume again and says 2 jacinta:

that doesnt smell like come to me does it smell like come to u??

rolliepoley · 13-05-2013 11:57PM

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, SIR, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

heinz hummer · 14-05-2013 12:01AM

fella went into mountjoy jail the other day.
said he wanted do portraits of all the inmates at a good price,,

obviously a con artist...

tayto lover · 14-05-2013 12:07AM

Delivery man breaks down on the M50 so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "I’ve got 6 monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Dublin zoo for me." Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down & shouts across, " I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?" Paddy says, " I did but I had £30 left so I'm taking them to the pictures now!!"

heinz hummer · 14-05-2013 12:11AM

why do scots wear kilts?

coz the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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