The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Issac · 09-05-2013 12:02PM

gramar wrote: »

This is a bit long but had me pissing myself. One of the funniest things I've ever read:

The Dubliners did a song version of something like this. Here're the lyrics:

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of me plight
and at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight;
me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray
and I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear;
now, to throw them down from such a height was not a good idea.
the foreman wasn't very pleased, he beeing an awkward sod
he said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now, clearing all these bricks by hand it was so very slow,
so I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below.
But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see
that a barrelful of building bricks was heavier than me.

So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead
and clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead.
Well, I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
that halfway up I met the bloody barrel comming down.

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
and when I reached the top I banged the pully with my head.
Well, I clung on tight through numbed shock from this almighty blow
and the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below.

Now, when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more;
still clinging tightly to the rope, I sped towards the ground,
and I landed on the brocken bricks that were all scattered round.

Well, I lay there groaning on the ground, I thougth I'd passed the worst,
when the barrel hit the pully-wheel and then the bottom burst.
Well, a shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
as I lay there moaning on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope.

The barrel than being heavier, it started down once more,
and landed right across me, as I lay upon the floor.
Well, it broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
that I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not a work today.

http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/d/dubliners6611/thesicknote249332.html

oranbhoy67 · 09-05-2013 06:38PM

A wee boy is having a bath with his mum & asks "whats that between your legs" & his mum replies "thats were your dad hit me with his hatchet" & the wee boy says "some shot he got you right on the fanny"

09-05-2013 06:53PM

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often
But push the wrong button and your arse is disconnected!

rolliepoley · 09-05-2013 08:34PM

Ageing Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

rolliepoley · 09-05-2013 08:49PM

Picture This!

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

rolliepoley · 09-05-2013 10:25PM

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

ArnoldJRimmer · 09-05-2013 11:20PM

Keep em comin rolliepoley!

What goes 'clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop?'

An Amish drive by shooting

EoghanIRL · 09-05-2013 11:33PM

Padkir wrote: »

Over, under, in and out?

I like my women how I like my drink ,
12 years old and mixed with coke.

Mr Tibbs · 09-05-2013 11:57PM

A bloke comes home from work one day to find his wife crying her eyes out in the kitchen.
Whats wrong love he asks and his wife says its awful I was cleaning Jane's room today and I found handcuffs, leather masks and loads of disgusting bondage magazines I mean she is only fifteen what are we going to do.
Well I suppose a spanking is out of the question says the husband.

rolliepoley · 10-05-2013 12:26AM

One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.

"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.

Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.

As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

D_murph · 10-05-2013 12:42AM

Despite Robin van Persie netting 25 times for United this season, he's still only the 3rd best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow & Kevin Webster.

Mr Tibbs · 10-05-2013 12:59AM

A bloke comes back from a holiday in the Far East. He was worn out from all the women he shagged and has a nasty rash on his pr*ck so he goes to the Doctor. Yes says the Doctor you have whats called Mongolian V D and its not treatable I'm afraid to say the only cure is amputation. Ah Jasus Doc that can't be I'm going to seek a second opinion. Go ahead say the Doctor but I'm telling you now there is no known cure for this.
So he goes to see a Chinese Doctor thinking he will be more familar with this disease. Yes says the Chinese Doctor you very sick man , you have Mongolian V D.
Well Doc what can you do for me, my own doctor told me he would have to cut it off.
Ah European doctors always want to make loads of money operating no need no need. Thats great Doc I couldn't bare the taught of having my penis cut off.
No need leave it for two weeks and it will fall of all by it self.

ctrl-alt-delete · 10-05-2013 07:56PM

Did you hear the one about the Egg that died of an overdose?

They reckon it was a crack addict!

rolliepoley · 10-05-2013 08:42PM

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ...
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Steven81 · 10-05-2013 09:33PM

Paddy and Mick were on a plane when the roof blew off. Paddy says to Mick " If this plane goes upside down, will we fall out?"
Mick: "No Paddy, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends!"

rolliepoley · 10-05-2013 10:23PM

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

rolliepoley · 10-05-2013 10:42PM

Proud Fathers

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday."

Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday."

Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."

--Kaiser-- · 10-05-2013 10:51PM

Three guys are talking about pleasuring their women:

Italian guy "When I finish makin aluv 2 my girlafriend I go down an gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6inch above da bed in ecstasy."

Frenchman "When I finish wiv ze girl I kiss her all ze way down her body zen lick ze soles of ze feet, she floats 12inch above ze bed in ecstasy."

Irishman "Dat's nuthin', when I’m dun riding me burd, I get out of bed and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the bleedin' roof!"

Curly Judge · 10-05-2013 11:07PM

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

rolliepoley · 10-05-2013 11:07PM

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

Curly Judge · 10-05-2013 11:32PM

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of
the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

11-05-2013 10:10AM

Enjoy & have a great weekend....................................

Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and an IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (by this time practically everyone in queue was now intrigued by my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me

rolliepoley · 11-05-2013 03:56PM

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

rolliepoley · 11-05-2013 05:25PM

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache!"

Capt'n Midnight · 11-05-2013 08:53PM

Did you hear about the limpet that went to a disco ? Pulled a mussel.

Curly Judge · 11-05-2013 11:31PM

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son
Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate,
Maria.

During the course of the meal,
his mother couldn't help
but notice how pretty Anthony's
roommate is.

Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Maria and
I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to
Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.You don't suppose she
took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her,
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear MaMa, I'm not saying that you "did" take
the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not"
take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received
a response email
from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep
with Maria, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her OWN bed, s
he would have found the sugar
bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa

Moral:
Never Bulla ****a your Ma Ma

Curly Judge · 11-05-2013 11:33PM

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted to Ophthalmology –
all we did was correct his eyesight…………….."

podgemonster · 12-05-2013 12:37AM

A man was walking his two dogs down the beach the other day and a woman approached him.

Woman "Excuse me, are they Jack Russells?
Man: "No! They're mine.

Curly Judge · 12-05-2013 01:20PM

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or
answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up
and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the
rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he
reached safety. The man was clearly terrified. The rancher threw
down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!"

rolliepoley · 12-05-2013 07:20PM

What is Claustrophobia?
This is a fear of closed space. For example, you go to a store for a beer and are afraid that it will be closed.

What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?

A full bus of old people.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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