The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

A bloke goes into a casino and in the course the night loses a thousand euro.
He leaves dejected and when he goes outside its pouring rain and there is only one Taxi in the rank so he goes over and asks the driver would he bring him home and when he has money he will pay him. The driver laughs and tells him to go and f*ck himself.
A month later the bloke is back in the casino with another thousand euro and has a great night winning ten thousand euro. At the end of the night he goes outside and the Taxi rank is full of cars so he goes to the first car and asks the driver would he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver said of course but yer man said there is a catch you will have to suck me off when you take me home. The driver told him to get lost so down he goes along the Taxi rank and gets the same answer from every driver until he sees the driver who left him stranded the last night.
He approaches the Taxi and asks the driver will he bring him home for three hundred euro and the driver says of course jump in. So in he gets and asks the driver for one favour would he drive really slow past the Taxi rank.

Wuhoo - I'm appearing on Embarressing Bodies next week...one of my balls is bigger than the other two

rolliepoley wrote: »

What does an elephant use for a tampon?



A sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you dík, it means somebody took our tent.”


Enjoying the sun rise, an old man sat on his front porch down in Louisiana. As he glanced up the road, the neighbor's kid walked by carrying something big under his arm.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy returns and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy returns and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy carrying a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

rolliepoley wrote: »

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital.



“Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”


When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.


A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.


The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Markwent to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ballabout.


A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”


“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.” The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

Very very funny Rollie keep em comin.

a stunning blonde goes for a medical check up for a new job and the doctor (male) says "take of all your clothes"

she goes behind the screen and strips naked, then she says "doctor, where will I put my clothes?"

he replies "oh just throw them there on top of mine"

A Dublin bloke was down the country visiting his cousins who were farmers. Well his cousin was showing him around the farm and unbeknown to him his cousin from Dublin was a ventriloquist. The Dub taught he would have a bit of fun with his country cousin when he was being shown around the cow shed he went over to a cow and asked him how he was being treated and the cow said not bad but he has very rough hands.
The farmer nearly had a stroke saying he never knew cows could talk. Sure said his cousin all animals can talk you just have to approach them properly. So passing the pig sty he asks a pig how he was being treated and the pig said not bad but the food is always cold. Jasus said the farmer this is unreal. They headed out of the farmyard and walking up a field he saw a flock of sheep. The farmer said to his cousin, now before we go any further I just want to say don't believe a word that comes out of those sheep's mouth's

Hitchens wrote: »

Q. what's the difference between a plaque and a plique?

A. a plaque hangs on a wall and a plique

hangs on a Chinaman

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've
always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the
nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts
up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to
the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters,
when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and
says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our
lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so
he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous
sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is
strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being
well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I
am.
But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't
like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please
you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone,
then please scratch off my caste mark."
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans
back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've
just won a car!

One of my Dad's stalwarts:

A man was going to a formal function and so decides to get himself attired in a fancy new suit so heads over to one of the finest Savile Row tailors. He gets intricately measured for his suit and the tailor tells him to come back in a week to collect.

The man comes back and the tailor proudly presents his new suit. The man tries it on and walks up and down the shop but sometimes not quite right and this is evident to the tailor. The tailor enquires
"Sir, is something the matter with your suit?"
The man replies "Hmmmm, how do I put this....have you ever been to the ballroom in Kensington?"
The tailor, perplexed, replies "But..there's no ballroom in Kensington."
Sayeth the man "And that's what's wrong with this suit!"

short bunkhouse conversation between two cowboy lovers:

"yup?"


"yep!"

:pac:

Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan