Child bearing years

mollybird · 14-01-2013 11:22pm #1

hey girls,
me and my OH came back from seeing friends who recently had a baby. now the wife is hitting late 30's and we got to talking about the whole kids thing. we are getting married this year and not looking to seriously thinking about kids for the next 2 years which by then we will be heading in that age ourselves.

we had a serious enough conversation about kids on the way home and OH still sounding like he not wanting kids. to me he still sounds materialistic. he earns all the great money so can buy what he wants and don't think he wants to give it up anytime soon.

me with kids i'm broody enough but the serious idea of doing it scares the crap outta me.

so guess i'm wondering have any of ye been in this situation do you or don't you do the whole kid thing (tick tock tick tock kinda thing) have there been any regrets either way???

Stheno · 14-01-2013 11:25pm

mollybird wrote: »

hey girls,
me and my OH came back from seeing friends who recently had a baby. now the wife is hitting late 30's and we got to talking about the whole kids thing. we are getting married this year and not looking to seriously thinking about kids for the next 2 years which by then we will be heading in that age ourselves.

we had a serious enough conversation about kids on the way home and OH still sounding like he not wanting kids. to me he still sounds materialistic. he earns all the great money so can buy what he wants and don't think he wants to give it up anytime soon.

me with kids i'm broody enough but the serious idea of doing it scares the crap outta me.

so guess i'm wondering have any of ye been in this situation do you or don't you do the whole kid thing (tick tock tick tock kinda thing) have there been any regrets either way???

I'd want to be sure you are both on the same page before you get married, then discover you want different things tbh

14-01-2013 11:26pm

What Stheno said.

Be completely clear where you both stand before you get hitched. Its too big an issue to leave til afterwards.

Whispered · 14-01-2013 11:29pm

Stheno wrote: »

I'd want to be sure you are both on the same page before you get married, then discover you want different things tbh

I agree. This habit people have of telling people that their OH will change their mind is so dangerous. I wonder how many people went ahead and got married based on the fact loads of people told them that.

BabysCoffee · 14-01-2013 11:33pm

If you have any doubts about not wanting children, don't have them. It's not fair on the kids.

As above, you really need to be on the same page before you get married.

The Big Red Button · 14-01-2013 11:43pm

mollybird wrote: »

hey girls,
me and my OH came back from seeing friends who recently had a baby. now the wife is hitting late 30's and we got to talking about the whole kids thing. we are getting married this year and not looking to seriously thinking about kids for the next 2 years which by then we will be heading in that age ourselves.

we had a serious enough conversation about kids on the way home and OH still sounding like he not wanting kids. to me he still sounds materialistic. he earns all the great money so can buy what he wants and don't think he wants to give it up anytime soon.

me with kids i'm broody enough but the serious idea of doing it scares the crap outta me.

so guess i'm wondering have any of ye been in this situation do you or don't you do the whole kid thing (tick tock tick tock kinda thing) have there been any regrets either way???

It's not necessarily materialistic that he doesn't want kids. Maybe he just seriously, genuinely, doesn't want them ever. And won't, ever.

Marriage is a massive commitment, you should be be agreed on whether you want kids, and if so, when, before you enter into it.

CathyMoran · 15-01-2013 8:07am

It is important that you are on the same page about this from the begining. I always knew that my husband wanted children - as it happens it ended up being very difficult for us to have them and it looked like we might not have been able to have them or adopt (health grounds) but we are lucky to have our 19 and 33 month old.

CaraMay · 15-01-2013 8:28am

A few of my circle of friends (myself included) have just had babies when 39/40/41. One was ivf, the other took 2.5 years and the other two were immediate conceptions so it is very possible to have kids in your late 30's.

The main issue I see here is that, as others have mentioned, you have gotten to the point of getting married without truly having agreed on the on the kids issue which is probably the biggest decision any couple can decide on. Are you wishy-washy about it because he is? Can you imagine a life with him without kids? How do you think you will feel if he turns around in two years and says he doesn't want kids?

As we get older we like change less and a lot of guys I know, who gave nice lives, aren't that pushed about starting the whole 'up in the middle if the night / nappy changing' side of things.

That's fine if you both agree but don't get married until you do.

pwurple · 15-01-2013 9:44am

While it is possible to have children later and later, the risks get higher. After 35 it can be harder to conceive, the risk of downs syndrome and other things increase. It is certainly possibke to have healthy pregnancies and healthy children past that age, but I wouldn't plan and assume it will all happen without a hitch. It is not always clear when you go to visit people who have babies that age what journey they had to take to get there. Fertility issues, miscarriages etc are all very taboo here.

It certainly is something to discuss before you get married. Also, You will encounter people asking you if you are pregnant yet from about 3 months after your wedding day, as will he... For maybe 2 years, until they give up and assume something is wrong.

eviltwin · 15-01-2013 10:03am

Totally agree with everyone, this is something that you can't afford to put on the long finger, its a talk you have to have with your OH now before you marry. Maybe he will change his mind, maybe he won't but as you seem to be definately in the mindset of wanting a family its important you know when you stand with him and he with you.

I was lucky enough to have my kids early, I'm mid 30's now and finished my family, most of my friends are just starting to think about having children. One couple have been trying for 2 years with no success, they can't afford to get fertility treatment either, if they did there is no guarantee it will work.

But then I know women who had a surprise pregnancy at 40,41....

Best of luck OP.

username123 · 15-01-2013 10:49am

Whether you want them or not, you both have to be on the same page before you get married.

Ive seen plenty of friends move into late 30s and end up unable to conceive without intervention (which is expensive and stressful), or in some cases not at all. I also know couples on the 4-5 year waiting list for a foreign adoption. One thing they all have in common is the rueful admission that they spent their 20s and early 30s trying NOT to get pregnant, never realising that they would have this kind of hassle later on.

Personally I think if someone wants children its madness to wait until late 30s to start trying at all. Imagine the surprise of a friend who had her first at 35 and found her chart was marked "geriatric pregnancy" - because medically thats what it is!

Best of luck.

lazygal · 15-01-2013 11:56am

I'm surprised this hasn't been agreed on in some form before you got married. We had discussions about kids at an early stage, my husband is older than me and didn't want to wait too long, and even though I'm the first of my friends to have a baby I was well aware of the implications of waiting until my late 30s to conceive. Bottom line, women have a finite amount of childbearing years. Never mind the stories about so and so who got pregnant no bother at 42 or yer one who had her third child at 45. The majority of women will have significantly reduced fertility from 35 onwards. There's also the fact you simply have more energy as a younger mum to deal with the physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth. I was 30 having my baby, and I was a senior mum. Nature would have me have my babies in my teens and early 20s if I could, and TBH if life could pan out differently I'd love to have completed my family before now.

Cerulean Chicken · 15-01-2013 2:11pm

This is one of those situations that proves pre marriage courses have value, OP if ye haven't done one yet I suggest booking it, and if ye have already done it how did ye get through it without discussing this?

15-01-2013 2:21pm

I would agree that a pre marriage course could be beneficial. It will open up the lines of discussion.
I was just turning 35 when I had my first. I have no regrets in waiting, however we had no issues in getting pregnant.

I would say that both of you need to be on the same page about starting a family. If one partner is not fully on board there can be resulting resentment.
Also, if you have one would you feel you need to have another? It's something you both need to thrash out.
With one child you can retain a certain amount of pre-baby life, with two or more that's much more difficult.
My husband and I were agreed from the start that we would have one and see how we went, we never put pressure on ourselves to have another.

Cerulean Chicken · 15-01-2013 2:30pm

While we had talked about it enough to know what both wanted in the past the pre marriage course really gave us the push to discuss it in detail. Luckily we are both agreed on our views on this, in every aspect. A couple close to us are currently in the position where they had one surprise baby, she wants another but he says he doesn't want anymore, they are going around in circles over this issue, as clearly it wasn't discussed prior to the first baby as she was a surprise. Whereas I told my boyfriend very clearly that if we decide to have kids, if we do and don't have any problems having them if I'm in for one kid I'm in for three. I am an only child (not out of choice) and while I do love it I am very lucky that I do, but I wouldn't choose it for anyone on purpose, so if I have any I want there to be plural of them

If he is saying now he doesn't want them you have to talk to him and see if he can see this changing in the future, as in he doesn't want them right now and wants to spend his money on himself but can see a future where he will be happy to have them, rather than a straight out "No I don't want them ever". While people do change their minds sometimes I wouldn't bank on this as an absolute.

eviltwin · 15-01-2013 2:33pm

I'm always shocked by how many couples don't talk about kids. Its not just about knowing if someone sees a future with family in it, for me I would want to know his feelings early on just in case the worst happened and I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I was so lucky with my other half that we both wanted kids, when I found out that I was pregnant very shortly after we started seeing each other it really was a blessing to know he and I both felt the same way. We'd never talked about it so I hadn't a clue what his feelings on the subject where. If he had turned round to me then and said "sorry I don't see kids in my future" I would have been up the creek without a paddle.

I'm shocked someone could get to the wedding planning stage without it being raised.....wouldn't friends or family even mention it?

beks101 · 15-01-2013 4:40pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm always shocked by how many couples don't talk about kids.

Ditto, I really don't understand how the conversation doesn't crop up in all the years that you spend together. Or in the planning for your futures together - isn't it sort of paramount to know what his plans are, as you presumably will be part of them?

I was with my most recent ex less than a year and this stuff came up in the beginning. I knew he was a family man, I knew he saw himself marrying, I knew he definitely wanted kids. Hell, I know the same about the guy I've been seeing for about six weeks at this stage!

To marry someone without a clue as to whether or not they want the same things as you just seems like utter madness to me. What a complete gamble.

2rkehij30qtza5 · 15-01-2013 4:43pm

Cerulean Chicken wrote: »

This is one of those situations that proves pre marriage courses have value, OP if ye haven't done one yet I suggest booking it, and if ye have already done it how did ye get through it without discussing this?

Agree with this.
If you can't come to an agreement as to whether you both want children then you need to ask yourself what things will be like when you are married. What if the same issues arise then?

Jelly2 · 15-01-2013 4:54pm

OP, if your OH is now in his mid-30s, it's quite possible that he will not change his mind. Usually people know by this age whether they want children or not, and there are some people, male and female, who do not...my husband and I are two such. You really need to discuss this more, and decide your options on the basis of what your fiance tells you - take him seriously, and trust that he knows his own mind. Otherwise, you may be in for nasty disappointment later. Good luck.

Whispered · 15-01-2013 5:16pm

Jelly2 wrote: »

OP, if your OH is now in his mid-30s, it's quite possible that he will not change his mind. Usually people know by this age whether they want children or not, and there are some people, male and female, who do not...my husband and I are two such. You really need to discuss this more, and decide your options on the basis of what your fiance tells you - take him seriously, and trust that he knows his own mind. Otherwise, you may be in for nasty disappointment later. Good luck.

Jelly, can I ask what age group you're in? I'm in my late 20's and have recently been getting more and more comments on our lack of kids. One such conversation had me very upset, I was accused of lying to myself and not loving my husband enough to want to have his children. I was told in no uncertain terms that my husband does want kids and that if I listened to him I'd know that etc.

I'm hoping you're a bit older and can tell me that people eventually give up. I don't mind people asking and I'm happy to discuss it, but it's when accusations and comments like "oh there is something wrong with you, all women want kids" that I start to get annoyed.

Malari · 15-01-2013 5:17pm

Sounds to me like the OP isn't sure herself if she wants kids? Well, that's what I took from "broody but scares the crap outta me"

I've never had a broody feeling in my life so early on in our relationship I made it clear I didn't want children - a feeling that's only got stronger as I got older. My boyfriend - I don't think he'd thought about it that much apart from "I don't want kids now" so I suppose my position made him think about how he felt and we are both certain we don't want kids.

I'm in my mid-30s and I have no regrets.

Jelly2 · 15-01-2013 5:24pm

Whispered wrote: »

Jelly, can I ask what age group you're in? I'm in my late 20's and have recently been getting more and more comments on our lack of kids. One such conversation had me very upset, I was accused of lying to myself and not loving my husband enough to want to have his children. I was told in no uncertain terms that my husband does want kids and that if I listened to him I'd know that etc.

I'm hoping you're a bit older and can tell me that people eventually give up. I don't mind people asking and I'm happy to discuss it, but it's when accusations and comments like "oh there is something wrong with you, all women want kids" that I start to get annoyed.

Yes, I'm a bit older - tipping over the precipice into my forties!:D I never had the offensive type of comment that you had (shocking!), but we regularly had the 'Sure everyone wants children' type. A few people also assumed that I was a career woman, and that it was my decision rather than his that we go childless. They were wrong on both counts.
The good news is that the comments do stop as you persist in your childlessness and in your obvious utter disregard for being parents. Nobody ever says anything to us about it now, thankfully. Eventually everyone just copped on that we meant what we said, and that, 'shock, horror', this did not mean that our relationship was hollow and our feelings for each other shallow!

Edit: Should indicate that 'utter disregard' does not mean we disregard the value of being parents, just that we disregarded the notion that we should be parents! Just in case anybody thought I was devaluing their choice...!

Whispered · 15-01-2013 5:30pm

Jelly2 wrote: »

'shock, horror', this did not mean that our relationship was hollow and our feelings for each other shallow!

I think this is what upset me most.

Thanks for your reply!

pwurple · 15-01-2013 5:41pm

Whispered wrote: »

Jelly, can I ask what age group you're in? I'm in my late 20's and have recently been getting more and more comments on our lack of kids. One such conversation had me very upset, I was accused of lying to myself and not loving my husband enough to want to have his children. I was told in no uncertain terms that my husband does want kids and that if I listened to him I'd know that etc.

I'm hoping you're a bit older and can tell me that people eventually give up. I don't mind people asking and I'm happy to discuss it, but it's when accusations and comments like "oh there is something wrong with you, all women want kids" that I start to get annoyed.

What on earth is wrong with people who say these kinds of things? What if there actually was something wrong, like there is for a lot of people. Do they want to climb on in there and examine your vagina as they are at it? christ. None of anyone's business. None. Whether you want, don't want, or can't. Private.

I wouldn't even entertain a discussion on it.

Malari · 15-01-2013 5:41pm

Whispered, I'd like to reiterate what Jelly2 said about the comments growing more rare as you get older and yet still seem happy in your relationship

A lot of my boyfriends friends (with kids) used to ask him how old I was and then insist I'd change my mind. Lately when they ask that the response is "how old? Oh..."

as they realise I probably knew what I wanted after all.

It's true most people want kids, but if you don't there's nothing wrong with you. In fact my sister feels very much the same way I do, and my mother recently admitted to me that she used to think there was something wrong with her! But it's not a reflection of the way I was brought up (I had a brilliant childhood) and I still have a great relationship with my parents. The best thing you can do is continue to be happy in your relationship and ignore anyone who's rude about it.

Cerulean Chicken · 15-01-2013 5:47pm

Malari wrote: »

A lot of my boyfriends friends (with kids) used to ask him how old I was and then insist I'd change my mind. Lately when they ask that the response is "how old? Oh..." as they realise I probably knew what I wanted after all.

That's funny

My boyfriend was asked by a relative over Christmas (a young one, 23) will we be having a baby as soon as we get married. He gave our stock answer, whatever happens happens, not saying we will have kids, not saying we won't, because who knows they can until they try? She then said "You HAVE to have kids!", he told her that was very presumptuous, what if someone couldn't have kids, and she replied "Then you do everything in your power to have one"

My god, there are already enough people in the world, if we don't have kids (and have more kittens and more holidays instead) what the feck does it matter to her, or anyone else!!

Whispered I remember reading what was said to you, that was clearly a problem with the person that said that to you, you did/do nothing wrong, try your best to ignore that xx

eviltwin · 15-01-2013 6:03pm

I'm probably a little bit guilty of this

I have one friend who is very much of the opinion - and always has been - that she doesn't want kids. I've accepted it now but for a long time I tried to get her to change her mind. I think I had visions of us raising babies together who would go on to be best friends. I feel kinda sad in a way that I will never get to meet her children or be the "auntie" I thought I would be but that's my problem not hers. I still secretly hope she and her other half suddenly change their minds though

Whispered · 15-01-2013 6:30pm

Cerulean Chicken wrote: »

Whispered I remember reading what was said to you, that was clearly a problem with the person that said that to you, you did/do nothing wrong, try your best to ignore that xx

Thanks, I had stopped being angry about it, then started thinking about it again. Damn thread

Eviltwin, you probably didn't realise it can be an issue, and to be honest when you're a bit younger it's not so much. People tend to say "oh you'll change your mind when you get older" and then move on. It's mid/late twenties, and certainly after you get engaged/married comments became more personal.

You get to see her being an Auntie to your kids (if you have them) and you have a perfect babysitter.

They might not change their minds, but things can accidentally happen. We've prepared ourselves for that too. If we were to have kids, it wouldn't be on purpose, but we'd adore them of course. So you might get your wish yet.

OP; Sorry for pulling the thread away from your original question. I would say that because he doesn't want to have kids doesn't mean he is materialistic. And even if he is choosing not to want them because he wants a bit more money to do things with, well at least he is being honest about that and not going along with what he "should" be doing then resenting his life choices.

I think you're at a pretty difficult age for a childless couple. Most of your friends/family/acquaintances are probably having kids now and it's fresh in your mind. My only real bit of advice would be to decide YOURSELF what you want, if you had no partner with any say. If you think about it and know clearly what you want, maybe it's not an issue at all. I think we all second guess our decisions at times too.

And in the spirit of trying to keep things a bit light hearted.

Malari · 15-01-2013 8:03pm

Yes, I even got a christmas card this year that said something along the lines of "children are for people who can't have cats"

People are starting to accept and take a humorous approach to it, like we do.

Neyite · 15-01-2013 11:32pm

I've always known I wanted children. I made sure that my partner also felt the way I did before I moved in and we got serious.

When we did decide to start our family, it didnt come easily to us. We were 2.5 years trying and had just began fertilty drugs when I got my positive test. Even then, despite all the planning and paying eye-watering sums to doctors to get to that point, I remember just before I got giddy with excitement at the positive test, sitting on the lid of the loo looking at the test slightly panicking that this was it. No way back now. A baby was made and cannot be unmade.This sh!t just got real

But we got really intrusive comments. We fielded them mostly with humour, but sometimes I just wasnt in the mood so my answer was: *pause, stare* "hmmm, that's a very personal question to ask someone, don't you think" *pause and stare some more*

I've quite a few friends who had a lot of difficulty having their family, and as a result, I would never ask any couple that question, you just don't know what their history is. And I have the height of respect for couples who are honest enough to say that they don't want children. Fair play to them. Kids are a big deal. Even now I want more yet look at my son hoping I do him right in life, and every so often I do look at him and have that "oh, jesus, I'm a mammy now" panicky flutter.

Cerulean Chicken · 15-01-2013 11:36pm

I saw a very funny comment in the paper a few days ago that I will definitely be paraphrasing and entering my repertoire of "mind your own business" replies:

I thought I was broody once going over a bridge but my friend said she thought it was just a lorry passing making my insides feel funny

Child bearing years

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