Child bearing years

Cerulean Chicken · 25-01-2013 5:20pm

pwurple wrote: »

Annnnnyway.

Yes, 48 is possible. My dad's mum had him when she was 45. Her first child was born when she was 35, and she went on to have 10 children. Her 9th at 50, and her 10th when she was 52 years old.

That's like my mum having a one year old now, I must tell her this and see her reaction, that'd be her idea of hell! 52, that is impressive.

Whispered · 25-01-2013 5:20pm

marnieb wrote: »

Yep I get what you are saying, there's no need for people to be so nasty but I guess they are just being thoughless, I also heard a girl say "I would congratulate you but its not appropriate" to a girl who was pregnant at 19 so it works both ways definitely

:eek: Jeeeeeesus. That's a horrible thing to say.

Neyite · 25-01-2013 5:22pm

lazygal wrote: »

My granny was in her mid 40s having her last child, but her doctor (back in the 1960s so a progressive man for the time) insisted that she use contraception, the good old 'cycle regulator' as he had seen women giving birth over the age of 50 and their health suffered big time. He was a bit of a local hero among the women in the town who were happy not to have a baby in the cradle and the eldest child having children older than their siblings.

My husband's mother came from a family of 17, not counting stillbirths and miscarriages. Her mother died young and was pregnant for most of her adult life.

Fair play to that doctor. He was lucky he wasn't ran out of the town, and struck off the medical register by the clergy who I imagine would have been very influential at the time.

lazygal · 25-01-2013 5:24pm

Neyite wrote: »

Fair play to that doctor. He was lucky he wasn't ran out of the town, and struck off the medical register by the clergy who I imagine would have been very influential at the time.

Ironically the parish priest was also free and easy with confessions for women who were concerned about 'family matters', as he put it! I'd love to know his name, I think it'd make for an interesting history of family planning in rural Ireland!

spurious · 25-01-2013 5:29pm

My grandmother was still having periods at 58, I discovered recently. :eek:

Wibbs · 25-01-2013 5:34pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Ditto given this is your only contribution. I don't think people are bitches but I do think there are bullying incidents from certain posters.

This is turning into a witch hunt so best if luck to ye all. Over and out.

Caramay, just because people disagree with your viewpoint does not mean they're engaging in bullying behaviour. Just because people disagree with your viewpoint does not mean they're engaging in a witchhunt. This is beginning to look like a pattern and it's not on. I would respectfully suggest you step back and consider the differences between discussion, even heated discussion and bullying before openly accusing other posters of such things. If you feel you can't maybe step back from potentially fractious/divisive subjects in the forum for a while.

giddybootz · 28-01-2013 12:26am

Been with my OH for 6 years and we don't really care about getting married and we do NOT want to children....to the extent that we would be devastated if an accident happened!!

People do give me grief about it or roll their eyes, laugh and say things lik "ha yeah sure we'll see in a few years you will have 3 kids!" I have never wanted kids and even when I was a child I would say that and then say "if I change my mind I want to adopt" (I was a weird child!!)

I'm so lucky the OH feels the same as it would kill me for us to have to go our separate ways. I don't think the kids coversation has to happen at the start of a relationship but certainly once you start getting serious. It annoys me that people think we must not be that mad about eachother if we dont want marriage and kids.

Also I hate how if I complain in work that I'm exhausted (we have spent the last 3 weeks working full time and then spending 3hours every evening plus every weekend doing up a house to move into) my colleagues with kids are just like "ah sure you don't know what tiredness is coz you don't have children". Am I not allowed to feel tired??!!

It is such a personal choice, and I am so happy for those in my life who have amazing lives full of kids but I get so annoyed at how I am judged for my choice.

Stheno · 28-01-2013 2:17am

In the one and only role I've worked in in the past fifteen years that was female dominated, it was a small minded man who became the only person ever to upset with as I didn't have children.

I'm convinced he belonged to one of those pro-life, breed at all costs, Christian groups.

The conversation started on week 1:
Him:
"Are you married?"
Me
"Yes"
Week 2
Him
"Do you have children?"
Me"no"
Week 3
Him
"You mentioned you didn't have children, is there a reason?"
Now I'd practice at this so I spent time explaining as the oldest of a large family, I'd practically reared a family, helped with foster kids, and had nephews and nieces.
Him:
"So why don't you have your own?"
Me:
Haven't I explained that to you enough?!
Him
"No, doesn't make sense to me that you don't have children"
Me:
"My husband has a low/non existent sperm count and without AI we can't have kids" (I found out the week previous he was part of a very strongly religious group who would regard this as wrong/unnatural, so used this as a lie to shut him up)

Him
"Ok"

No man would ever have to put up with such (imo) abuse from a colleague, I did report him and discovered I was not the first female colleague to get this from him.

mood · 28-01-2013 2:05pm

Stheno I think I would have said out very loud for all the hear 'I feel it is very inappropriate for you to ask me very personal questions regarding the most private area of my life. I consider this to be unprofessional and a personal attack. Please NEVER as me a personal question again'. Then I would have reported him.

What did your HR dept do after you reported it?

Malari · 28-01-2013 2:34pm

Wow, Stheno, talk about over-stepping the line when it comes to personal questions! I think when he asked this question:

"You mentioned you didn't have children, is there a reason?"

I would have said "yes" and left it at that! :mad:

Of course easier said that done when you are put on the spot.

I'm glad you reported him though.

mood · 28-01-2013 2:37pm

Malari wrote: »

Wow, Stheno, talk about over-stepping the line when it comes to personal questions! I think when he asked this question:

"You mentioned you didn't have children, is there a reason?"

I would have said "yes" and left it at that! :mad:

Of course easier said that done when you are put on the spot. I'm glad you reported him though.

I really hope he got a right talking to and a verbal warning of something.

coffee_cake · 28-01-2013 3:38pm

"I don't think discussing my sex life with you is appropriate thanks"

LOUD voice
Shame the fcuker out of it

mood · 28-01-2013 3:41pm

bluewolf wrote: »

"I don't think discussing my sex life with you is appropriate thanks"

LOUD voice
Shame the fcuker out of it

Perfect response. Saying 'sex life' would really embarrass him considering he seems to be a religious extremist of sorts.

Malari · 28-01-2013 3:43pm

giddybootz wrote: »

It annoys me that people think we must not be that mad about eachother if we dont want marriage and kids.

This is actually not something anyone's ever said to me. It never even occurred to me people would think that.

Whispered · 28-01-2013 4:22pm

Malari wrote: »

This is actually not something anyone's ever said to me. It never even occurred to me people would think that.

I've had it personally. I'm still fuming over it to be honest. I catch myself thinking "Is there something wrong, like if I reaaaaaaaaaaally loved him wouldn't I want his baby" I've never questioned things before. One throwaway comment by an ignorant know it all can make you feel like ****!

And there is a similar comment earlier in the thread (then backtracked that the person she was talking about actually told her there was an issue.....not so sure myself).

I'd say it's very common. You're lucky

giddybootz · 29-01-2013 12:54pm

Oh it hasn't made me doubt myself/relationship...yet (thankfully!) ...but it does make me think I must weird. It's nice to know there are other women and other couples the feel the same. My work colleague (married with kids) often jokes about being at my wedding or minding my kids because she just can't seem to comprehend that I want my life to be different to her life. I just laugh along with her at this stage coz it's easier!!

username123 · 29-01-2013 5:35pm

giddybootz wrote: »

Oh it hasn't made me doubt myself/relationship...yet (thankfully!) ...but it does make me think I must weird. It's nice to know there are other women and other couples the feel the same. My work colleague (married with kids) often jokes about being at my wedding or minding my kids because she just can't seem to comprehend that I want my life to be different to her life. I just laugh along with her at this stage coz it's easier!!

Maybe its because your choices (and you being a perfectly happy normal human being) might be making her question her choices?

I do get some strange looks, comments, etc... because myself and my husband do not want to have children. Some people express a kind of sympathetic 'poor you, you will never know the joy' at me - which is kind of weird because (a) you cant miss what you never had and (b) whats joyful for you might not be joyful for me!! and (c) Im just not into it, accept it, I dont have the 'procreate' urge.

I dont think Ive ever had the notion that I dont really love my husband thrown at me, but certainly I have been patronised, commented upon, met with a blank or confused look or otherwise stopped conversation by stating that I dont want children.

Unfortunately, as I am sure we all do, I know some mothers who are just painful to be around, never talk about anything else, are wholly defined as 'mammy' - but I equally know plenty of mothers who are still 'normal'! Ive never seen it as a 'There is something wrong with your life' choice, but more of a 'I want my own life and Im glad youre happy with yours, just as I am happy with mine' choice. Unfortunately some women feel its a personal attack on their children that I dont want children of my own!!

Whispered · 29-01-2013 5:42pm

username123 wrote: »

I dont have the 'procreate' urge.

Do you know or wonder about why you don't? Do you think it's an emotional response, logical, something to do with your past, something hormonal.

I only recently started thinking about why I don't want them (which I think some people might find insulting so I won't go into here), I don't want to know your reasons, but I'd be really interested to know if the women here who don't want kids know why they don't want them, or is it just the way it is.

eviltwin · 29-01-2013 5:46pm

Whispered wrote: »

Do you know or wonder about why you don't? Do you think it's an emotional response, logical, something to do with your past, something hormonal.

I only recently started thinking about why I don't want them (which I think some people might find insulting so I won't go into here), I don't want to know your reasons, but I'd be really interested to know if the women here who don't want kids know why they don't want them, or is it just the way it is.

Do you feel you have to have a reason? Do people ask you why you are not having kids and would they ask your partner as much? I think society sees women as being ingrained with the urge to have babies that its seen almost as a flaw if they don't want them when maybe they just don't want them!!!

Whispered · 29-01-2013 5:51pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you feel you have to have a reason? Do people ask you why you are not having kids and would they ask your partner as much? I think society sees women as being ingrained with the urge to have babies that its seen almost as a flaw if they don't want them when maybe they just don't want them!!!

Oh yes I've been asked a million times! People don't tend to ask my husband why as much, but they do warn him that I will eventually change my mind, all the time.

I don't think you have to have a reason, I personally do, beyond the fact that I just never feel the "need" some women talk about when it comes to having babies. I was wondering if other women feel the same. Is it just a lack of a biological yearning for some people or do some people make it as a very conscious decision.

eviltwin · 29-01-2013 5:56pm

Whispered wrote: »

Oh yes I've been asked a million times! People don't tend to ask my husband why as much, but they do warn him that I will eventually change my mind, all the time.

I don't think you have to have a reason, I personally do, beyond the fact that I just never feel the "need" some women talk about when it comes to having babies. I was wondering if other women feel the same. Is it just a lack of a biological yearning for some people or do some people make it as a very conscious decision.

It must drive you mad. Its amazing how personal people can be and what they think they have the right to know. And to be patronised in that "ah you'll change your mind" way....grrr I'm fuming here just thinking about it. :mad:

Malari · 29-01-2013 6:04pm

In my experience it's often been a "ah you'll change your mind" in a "don't worry, you won't always be an oddball" kind of way :rolleyes::D as if I'm concerned about the fact that I don't feel the urge to procreate.

I don't need a reason for myself, it's just the way I am. I've never felt maternal and it's not passive either - if I accidentally became pregnant it would be devastating.

username123 · 29-01-2013 6:11pm

Whispered wrote: »

Do you know or wonder about why you don't? Do you think it's an emotional response, logical, something to do with your past, something hormonal.

I only recently started thinking about why I don't want them (which I think some people might find insulting so I won't go into here), I don't want to know your reasons, but I'd be really interested to know if the women here who don't want kids know why they don't want them, or is it just the way it is.

Yeah I do have a fair idea. A lot of it has to do with my past - I grew up in an alcoholic home, my mother was hugely co-dependant on my alcoholic father. She didnt really want children but had us because 'thats what you do'. I was the youngest so no experience of children personally. Later in (dysfunctional) life I became a carer for my mother who had suffered a stroke from the stress she lived under. The responsibility of caring for another person was very hard. I realise it was a difficult situation all round, but I didnt like being the carer. There was no such thing as a day off, and no real help from anyone.

I came out of all of that quite damaged myself, with a definite feeling that I didnt want to be responsible for a person again. I also dont wish to pass the dysfunction of alcoholism down through more generations (you can see the chain back through my family).

And besides the above, I just never get the 'feeling' when I see a baby or small child. I get it when I see an animal (a puppy or kitten) so I know what it is - but I have always felt like Dexter in the presence of women with children - I just do not know what to do or how to interact or what is expected of me. Im quite tom boyish anyway and I sort of shuffle off and never ever want to hold a baby!!

TLDR? Bad upbringing, no maternal instinct.

Cerulean Chicken · 29-01-2013 6:17pm

username123 wrote: »

And besides the above, I just never get the 'feeling' when I see a baby or small child. I get it when I see an animal (a puppy or kitten) so I know what it is - but I have always felt like Dexter in the presence of women with children - I just do not know what to do or how to interact or what is expected of me. Im quite tom boyish anyway and I sort of shuffle off and never ever want to hold a baby!!

I'm the same! I actually love tiny babies, they are so adorable, but nowhere near as adorable as a kitten, oh my word

Helpless snuggly baby animals make my heart melt in a way that I have never really experienced with babies. When I see or hold a tiny animal I want to keep it, keep ALL of them, but with babies I never get that, happy to cuddle them then happy to hand them back!

username123 · 29-01-2013 6:20pm

Cerulean Chicken wrote: »

I'm the same! I actually love tiny babies, they are so adorable, but nowhere near as adorable as a kitten, oh my word Helpless snuggly baby animals make my heart melt in a way that I have never really experienced with babies. When I see or hold a tiny animal I want to keep it, keep ALL of them, but with babies I never get that, happy to cuddle them then happy to hand them back!

I dont even want to cuddle them lol!!! I just want to peer from a distance and go 'yeah lovely' and then leave the room!!!

I dont enjoy being around children, what other people find cute I find annoying etc... I know its me, not the poor children! But thats how it is.

Cerulean Chicken · 29-01-2013 6:28pm

username123 wrote: »

I dont even want to cuddle them lol!!! I just want to peer from a distance and go 'yeah lovely' and then leave the room!!!

I dont enjoy being around children, what other people find cute I find annoying etc... I know its me, not the poor children! But thats how it is.

I love cuddling a tiny new baby, 0-3months-ish, after that I lose interest

I have nothing to say to kids, I don't like and am not good at make believe stuff with them (my children would have the most stunted imaginations lol), I get so awkward when in a room with my boyfriend's young cousins/nieces/nephews etc. In my own family everyone is like me, all bad at doing "kid things", with the result that all of the kids in our family are able to hold their own chatting with adults, because that's the only way we ever communicate with them, proper conversations from 12+ months, we just talk at them until they understand us, no playing around on the floor etc. It means everyone has great vocabularies, loves reading, all of that, so can't be too bad.

But yeah, put me with a toddler who is banging a toy off my leg and don't expect me to stay more than 10 seconds :pac:

wolfpawnat · 29-01-2013 6:43pm

I read through this entire thread and found myself shocked at peoples experiences. If some of you ladies do not wish to have children, then that is your decision, not everyone has the maternal urge and that does not mean there is something wrong with you, some people just don't.

I find it interesting, I am 26 next month and pregnant with my second, and I am getting the "Would you not just get married?" question since we are having another one, though I got comments about the 4 year age gap constantly "Oh, surely you want your children close together?" I have spent the last 18 months getting the wedding question, but my partner does not believe in marriage, I have known this for the 6 years of our relationship, I would like to get married, but it is not of too much importance to me. I knew how he felt since about 3 months into the relationship so I knew where I
stood. We are getting the whole "You cannot be too serious about each other if you are not willing to get married." I don't think a piece of paper signifies how much a person loves their partner, same with the children situation, love is not proven or dismissed by the presence of children in a marriage/relationship.

It seems everyone is questioned if they don't want to or just just don't care about following the "norm"

Cerulean Chicken · 29-01-2013 6:47pm

wolfpawnat wrote: »

We are getting the whole "You cannot be too serious about each other if you are not willing to get married." I don't think a piece of paper signifies how much a person loves their partner, same with the children situation, love is not proven or dismissed by the presence of children in a marriage/relationship.

My God, aren't people just fascinating? Because obviously this is a casual relationship that ye just fancied adding some babies to :rolleyes: The things people think are ok to say to others really fascinates me.

username123 · 29-01-2013 6:54pm

wolfpawnat wrote: »

It seems everyone is questioned if they don't want to or just just don't care about following the "norm"

Its actually laughable how some people just cannot accept variety in peoples life choices. I get the opposite to you wolfpawnat, I get "Why did you get married if you dont want to have children" - as if marriage is the baby making licence or something!!

I do wonder sometimes if I will regret not having children later on. I dont think I will. Im nearly 40 now and I still have not ever felt the urge.

wolfpawnat · 29-01-2013 7:04pm

Cerulean Chicken wrote: »

My God, aren't people just fascinating? Because obviously this is a casual relationship that ye just fancied adding some babies to :rolleyes: The things people think are ok to say to others really fascinates me.

We have lived together for 5 and a half years, we are as good as married, we just don't want to splash out on a wedding (and we would have to, his family would insist on a huge wedding) A marriage just seems a lot of stress, I know it's weird, but the fact that a split doesn't mean a divorce takes a lot of stress out of it for us and makes us work better as a unit. It is weird I know, but it works better for us.

username123 wrote: »

Its actually laughable how some people just cannot accept variety in peoples life choices. I get the opposite to you wolfpawnat, I get "Why did you get married if you dont want to have children" - as is marriage is the baby making licence or something!!

I do wonder sometimes if I will regret not having children later on. I dont think I will. Im nearly 40 now and I still have not ever felt the urge.

Yes, I have been to quite a few weddings and I seem to have not been in the church at every time the vow for the obligatory child bearing was taken.

Having been with each other for 6 years and having children seems to mean we HAVE to get married. I also seemed to have failed to get that memo. My son has his dad's name and so will this one, but me not having it is seen as a tut-tut within the family, and changing it by de-pole would not suit these people either. But we are dealing with an older country family here.

My partner's sister is 21 years older than him and has no children. I wonder does she ever regret it but apparently not, she says she rather dote on a nephew for an hour, then hand him back to me, and when he is older she wants him to visit her in London for a week now and then on his holidays, which is fair enough. I would think there are moments here and there she does regret it, but overall I would say not. She seems happy, as does another one of her friends who says the same. I would imagine being a doting aunt can be nicer knowing the teething, colic, drooling, tantrumming, exhausting nights, financial burden is not a factor because you just hand them back when they are cranky.

Child bearing years

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