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Child bearing years

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    #92
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    But you find child free people saying (DIRECTLY to people with kids) 'oh I would hate to have to deal with nappies, get up at night, think about someone else, plan ahead, spend money on someone else, have so little social life etc etc etc' but if I were to turn around to a single person and say 'Im so glad I have a baby and my oh - how do you pass your time alone, are you not lonely being single, are you worried about being on your own forever, etc etc?' then I would be lambasted.

    I dont really care what this girl thinks about my set up. She is married almost 20 years and seems to do everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him.....

    My point is - if you are happy with your choice to have kids then good for you and if you are happy not to then good for you too, just dont disrespect/ look down on others choices / way of life...


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    #93
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I get this a lot. I have a lot of childfree friends, I'm the only one in my social group with kids.

    I posted a few weeks back on FB that I was off with the kids to a panto. Cue comments like "oh you poor thing, that sounds like hell, rather you than me, imagine all those screaming brats"

    Now I was actually really looking forward to it myself but people always assume I'd rather be in the pub than spending time with my kids when actually I love being with them. I take it as a joke but if I was to say similar things to childless people it would look in poor taste.


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    #94
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    But this:
    CaraMay wrote: »
    'oh I would hate to have to deal with nappies, get up at night, think about someone else, plan ahead, spend money on someone else, have so little social life etc etc etc'

    ...is a completely different set of questions to this:
    CaraMay wrote: »
    'Im so glad I have a baby and my oh - how do you pass your time alone, are you not lonely being single, are you worried about being on your own forever, etc etc?'

    The first is just commentary of how a child-free person enjoys their life, the second is not how a person with a baby enjoys their life, it's directed to a single person on how they are enjoying their life without a baby.


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    #95
    Das Kitty
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But you find child free people saying (DIRECTLY to people with kids) 'oh I would hate to have to deal with nappies, get up at night, think about someone else, plan ahead, spend money on someone else, have so little social life etc etc etc' but if I were to turn around to a single person and say 'Im so glad I have a baby and my oh - how do you pass your time alone, are you not lonely being single, are you worried about being on your own forever, etc etc?' then I would be lambasted.

    Bit of a difference between someone saying they're happy with their setup and prying about someone else's state of lonliness and life plans!
    I dont really care what this girl thinks about my set up.
    Rightly so. Her opinion on what child-rearing might have been like for her should have no influence on you whatsoever.

    My point is - if you are happy with your choice to have kids then good for you and if you are happy not to then good for you too, just dont disrespect/ look down on others choices / way of life...

    Okay, but you did just that in the previous paragraph (not quoted).


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    #96
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I dont really care what this girl thinks about my set up. She is married almost 20 years and seems to do everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him.....

    My point is - if you are happy with your choice to have kids then good for you and if you are happy not to then good for you too, just dont disrespect/ look down on others choices / way of life...

    Do you not see the complete contradiction there? You've publicly judged and disrespected this woman in that post, and actually been downright cruel. You have NO idea what her relationship is like inside closed doors, but you're happy to speculate to all and sundry that it's crap. I'm completely gobsmacked that you put those two paragraphs next to each other. Not to mention the implication in the first paragraph that people without kids are sad and lonely.

    A comparable situation may have been for a mother to say "Gosh, I love having someone depending on me" or "I love picking out new clothes for my kid", not "aren't you scared you'll die alone because you didn't (or couldn't) have kids?".


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    #97
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    It was examples and not intended to offend. I always enjoyed bring single too. Maybe I should have given a child related example like 'oh can you not have kids, what's wrong with you, you are selfish, who will look after you when you are old and sick etc etc'...

    The point was judgemental comments can be upsetting and offensive so don't judge someone for having something eg a kid if you don't want to be judged for not having one.


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    #98
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Faith don't be so dramatic. She doesn't want my life and I don't want hers.


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    #99
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Faith don't be so dramatic. She doesn't want my life and I don't want hers.

    Do you really not see that you're being just as judgemental as you accuse this other woman of being?


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    #100
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Faith wrote: »
    Do you really not see that you're being just as judgemental as you accuse this other woman of being?

    I am not judging her as she can do what she wants and it doesn't affect me. She makes comments about my life to my face re kids but i have never commented back on hers as i respect her choices. You have turned an opinion into a judgement.


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    #101
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But you find child free people saying (DIRECTLY to people with kids) 'oh I would hate to have to deal with nappies, get up at night, think about someone else, plan ahead, spend money on someone else, have so little social life etc etc etc' but if I were to turn around to a single person and say 'Im so glad I have a baby and my oh - how do you pass your time alone, are you not lonely being single, are you worried about being on your own forever, etc etc?' then I would be lambasted.

    I dont really care what this girl thinks about my set up. She is married almost 20 years and seems to do everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him.....

    My point is - if you are happy with your choice to have kids then good for you and if you are happy not to then good for you too, just dont disrespect/ look down on others choices / way of life...

    Absolutely typical of the attitude women without kids face on a day to day basis unfortunately. That and "there must be something wrong with her".

    And for you to then go on and say we shouldn't disrespect others choices?


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    #102
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I am not judging her as she can do what she wants and it doesn't affect me. She makes comments about my life to my face re kids but i have never commented back on hers as i respect her choices. You have turned an opinion into a judgement.

    You might not have commented to her face, but you certainly did it here. That's judgmental, no matter how you spin it. As Malari said:
    The first is just commentary of how a child-free person enjoys their life, the second is not how a person with a baby enjoys their life, it's directed to a single person on how they are enjoying their life without a baby.

    Person A is talking about their own life, Person B is talking about Person A's life. If you feel she's having a go at you about your choice to have kids by talking about her own life, then defend your choice by talking about your own life, not hers. Eg. A: "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with nappies". B: "Yeah, it's not the best part, but it's more than made up for when I get cuddles!". Not A: "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with nappies". B: "Aren't you lonely being single?".


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    #103
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You are all missing the point that I don't care if other people have kids or not - I had mine at 39 and was well used to the comments. I don't think there is anything wrong with it any choice as long as you are happy with it.

    My point was related to the judgement i receive from one friend. she says things to me about loss of freedom etc and there are areas of her life which I could question her on / comment on eg her relationship but I don't as its not my business. Look at the context of what I am saying. Ye are all jumping the gun here.


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    #104
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You are all missing the point that I don't care if other people have kids or not. I don't think there is anything wrong with it or them.

    My point was related to the judgement i receive from one friend. she says things to me about loss of freedom etc and there are areas of her life which I could question her on / comment on eg her relationship but I don't as its not my business. Look at the context of what I am saying. Ye are all jumping the gun here.

    I think what you are perceiving as judgement isn't actually intended as such. This friend is making comments on how she enjoys her child-free life, it does not mean the corollary that you, with a child, must NOT be enjoying yours!


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    #105
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You are all missing the point that I don't care if other people have kids or not. I don't think there is anything wrong with it or them.

    My point was related to the judgement i receive from one friend. she says things to me about loss of freedom etc and there are areas of her life which I could question her on / comment on eg her relationship but I don't as its not my business. Look at the context of what I am saying. Ye are all jumping the gun here.

    I think you're missing the point. You may not care if the woman has kids or not, but you still assume she doesn't have them because in your opinion her relationship is not great.

    You received judgement from one friend? But what you said in your post is, as I mentioned, typical of what childless women hear all the time.


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    #106
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Whispered wrote: »
    I think you're missing the point. You may not care if the woman has kids or not, but you still assume she doesn't have them because in your opinion her relationship is not great..

    She told me that... It's not my opinion it's a fact (which i didn't want to say in original port but seeing as ye all jumped down my neck...). but I don't ask her about it as its her business.


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    #107
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    CaraMay wrote: »
    She told me that... It's not my opinion it's a fact but I don't ask her about it as its her business.

    and seems to do everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him.....

    Could you not have said so in the first place instead of "seems" and "I think"? Doesn't sound like a fact


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    #108
    g'em
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,819 ✭✭✭✭g'em


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Faith don't be so dramatic. She doesn't want my life and I don't want hers.

    For someone who claims boards is a bastion of bullying bitches you're awful quick to have a go at other people.


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    #109
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    bluewolf wrote: »
    and seems to do everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him.....

    Could you not have said so in the first place instead of "seems" and "I think"? Doesn't sound like a fact
    I agree and am suitably chastened by the pack.


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    #110
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    CaraMay wrote: »
    She told me that... It's not my opinion it's a fact but I don't ask her about it as its her business.

    That is not what you said in your original post.
    everything in the world to get away from her husband so I think part of the reason they didnt have kids is that she would be tied to having more time with him

    If she TOLD you she didn't have kids because of the state of her relationship then maybe she feels the need to tell you how great her life is without them as a defence mechanism.

    There is a world of difference between being childless totally by choice and being childless by necessity.


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    #111
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    I'm just one wolf, not a pack:cool:


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    #112
    marnieb
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭marnieb


    I also have had women say 'thank God I had my children when I was in my early 20's I'd hate to have them later' all the while knowing I do not have children and its like they are cutting at me, and these would be women I am friendly with, Why they feel the need to be so cutting I don't know, live and let live I say, and before some of you say I took it up wrong, I didn't. Its always women trying to be one up on the next one I think it must come down to some animal instinct of being top women in the pack or something.


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    #113
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    g'em wrote: »
    you're awful quick to have a go at other people.

    Ditto given this is your only contribution. I don't think people are bitches but I do think there are bullying incidents from certain posters.

    This is turning into a witch hunt so best if luck to ye all. Over and out.


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    #114
    Ella
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭Ella


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Ditto

    This is turning into a witch hunt so best if luck to ye all. Over and out.

    Rinse and repeat.


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    #115
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Ella wrote: »
    Rinse and repeat.

    ????


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    #116
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    CaraMay wrote: »
    This is turning into a witch hunt so best if luck to ye all. Over and out.

    Come on! It's not a witch hunt. It's just discussion and it's only based on what you said, which is all we can go on. Half the people disagreeing with you are parents themselves. It's quite likely the same people will come across you in another thread and agree with everything you say.


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    #117
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Daisy78 wrote: »
    48?? Wow didn't think that was possible, fair play to her. My mum was 36 when she had me and 43 when she had the youngest.

    Annnnnyway.

    Yes, 48 is possible. My dad's mum had him when she was 45. Her first child was born when she was 35, and she went on to have 10 children. Her 9th at 50, and her 10th when she was 52 years old.

    We can be fertile all the way up to our mid-50's. Menopause starts differently for everyone, the same as getting our first period was pretty variable. It's certainly more risky the older you get, my uncle, the 10th baby born when she was 52, has downs syndrome. But we do need to be aware of our own reproductive systems, and know to still take contraceptive precautions at that age, as it is possible.


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    #118
    Whispered
    Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    marnieb wrote: »
    I also have had women say 'thank God I had my children when I was in my early 20's I'd hate to have them later' all the while knowing I do not have children and its like they are cutting at me, and these would be women I am friendly with, Why they feel the need to be so cutting I don't know, live and let live I say, and before some of you say I took it up wrong, I didn't. Its always women trying to be one up on the next one I think it must come down to some animal instinct of being top women in the pack or something.

    Likewise I know of older parents who said to a good friend that because she was so young having her baby that the child wouldn't be "well balanced" and that they are glad they waited. Her little girl is a wonderful child. A stunningly beautiful, well mannered, lovely little girl. There is no reason for that couple to say that to her. They were just being nasty.

    I think that some people feel that if you don't do things in the same way as they have done them, then you are looking down on their way of doing it.

    (I don't know if that last sentence makes sense :D)


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    #119
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    pwurple wrote: »
    Annnnnyway.

    Yes, 48 is possible. My dad's mum had him when she was 45. Her first child was born when she was 35, and she went on to have 10 children. Her 9th at 50, and her 10th when she was 52 years old.

    We can be fertile all the way up to our mid-50's. Menopause starts differently for everyone, the same as getting our first period was pretty variable. It's certainly more risky the older you get, my uncle, the 10th baby born when she was 52, has downs syndrome. But we do need to be aware of our own reproductive systems, and know to still take contraceptive precautions at that age, as it is possible.

    My granny was in her mid 40s having her last child, but her doctor (back in the 1960s so a progressive man for the time) insisted that she use contraception, the good old 'cycle regulator' as he had seen women giving birth over the age of 50 and their health suffered big time. He was a bit of a local hero among the women in the town who were happy not to have a baby in the cradle and the eldest child having children older than their siblings.

    My husband's mother came from a family of 17, not counting stillbirths and miscarriages. Her mother died young and was pregnant for most of her adult life.


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    #120
    marnieb
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭marnieb


    Whispered wrote: »
    Likewise I know of older parents who said to a good friend that because she was so young having her baby that the child wouldn't be "well balanced" and that they are glad they waited. Her little girl is a wonderful child. A stunningly beautiful, well mannered, lovely little girl. There is no reason for that couple to say that to her. They were just being nasty.

    I think that some people feel that if you don't do things in the same way as they have done them, then you are looking down on their way of doing it.

    (I don't know if that last sentence makes sense :D)


    Yep I get what you are saying, there's no need for people to be so nasty but I guess they are just being thoughless, I also heard a girl say "I would congratulate you but its not appropriate" to a girl who was pregnant at 19 so it works both ways definitely


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    #121
    Nymeria
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭Nymeria


    Whispered wrote: »
    I think that some people feel that if you don't do things in the same way as they have done them, then you are looking down on their way of doing it.

    (I don't know if that last sentence makes sense :D)

    Absolutely makes sense to me!! There seems to be this underlying sense of needing to have our choices validated by others. I suppose thats human nature :-)

    However when it comes to having/ not having children it can get emotional, and sometimes a person's stated reasons for not having or wanting children (and maybe for having them as well I wouldn't have any experience of that) can be misinterpreted as a personal attack on someone else's life choices. Weird.


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