Child bearing years

Eve_Dublin

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm always shocked by how many couples don't talk about kids. Its not just about knowing if someone sees a future with family in it, for me I would want to know his feelings early on just in case the worst happened and I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I was so lucky with my other half that we both wanted kids, when I found out that I was pregnant very shortly after we started seeing each other it really was a blessing to know he and I both felt the same way. We'd never talked about it so I hadn't a clue what his feelings on the subject where. If he had turned round to me then and said "sorry I don't see kids in my future" I would have been up the creek without a paddle.

I'm shocked someone could get to the wedding planning stage without it being raised.....wouldn't friends or family even mention it?

What if neither person knows if they want to have kids though and you're still trying to work that one out yourself? Something like this is not so black and white in these modern times now that we have choices. It's a quandary I grapple with daily and I'm in my early 30s; trying to decipher if it's just biology making me broody or a real desire to have one. I'm in a relationship and we've discussed it and if I was to have kids, it'd be with him....but I still don't know. He seems a bit more sure than me. I've always felt this way.

Perhaps it's okay to carry on with a "I don't know at the moment but I've a few years yet to decide" instead of having to make a decision either way just because you're in a relationship?

What do yous think?

eviltwin

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

What if neither person knows if they want to have kids though and you're still trying to work that one out yourself? Something like this is not so black and white in these modern times now that we have choices. It's a quandary I grapple with daily and I'm in my early 30s; trying to decipher if it's just biology making me broody or a real desire to have one. I'm in a relationship and we've discussed it and if I was to have kids, it'd be with him....but I still don't know. He seems a bit more sure than me. I've always felt this way.

Perhaps it's okay to carry on with a "I don't know at the moment but I've a few years yet to decide" instead of having to make a decision either way just because you're in a relationship?

What do yous think?

Of course there are always exceptions but I'd reckon most people have some idea of where they stand and for them I think its strange that you wouldn't have that conversation with your SO. If you feel strongly either way wouldn't it be normal to want to know that the person you plan on being with for the rest of your life is on the same page?

It makes sense though that if you are still not sure about your thoughts either way that it might not be as pressing an issue but you've at least discussed it. I just find it odd someone would consider getting married to someone when they aren't sure their partner feels the same way.

Malari

Eve, I think that's the situation a lot of people are in, but what's important is that your partner knows how you feel, even if that feeling is only uncertainty, and vice-versa.

mood

Should you really be getting married if one of you wants kids and the other doesn't?

madrabui

We're both in out late 30s. My husband is kid crazy and I've never wanted children. I love chatting to children and teenagers so I know I'm not allergic to them. But I remember a tip made to see if a person is suitable for children. Get them a labrador and see how they cope.

We did that.

Dogs are a crazy full time job. We couldn't(and don't want to) imagine how much work a child takes.

Eve_Dublin

Malari wrote: »

Eve, I think that's the situation a lot of people are in, but what's important is that your partner knows how you feel, even if that feeling is only uncertainty, and vice-versa.

But how do you know if the person isn't just trying to fob you off?


I feel that even if these things are discussed, they aren't necessarily meant. They're only words. And I don't necessarily mean the person is lying but just that they don't know themselves (even if they say "yes" or "no"). A person could mean "no" but they might also mean "no...not with you". Or they could change their minds down the line.

I don't think it's as simple as sitting down and saying, "Yes" or "No" or even "I don't know". It seems so much more complicated than it was in the past. I doubt my mother ever had this problem....it was just presumed she would because she was married.

I understand what you're saying about having some sort of chat and yes, I can't argue with that but the chat is made out to be a little more straightforward than it can often be. I think things have changed a lot in this respect.

coffee_cake

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I doubt my mother ever had this problem....it was just presumed she would because she was married.

That doesn't necessarily sound any better

Eve_Dublin

bluewolf wrote: »

That doesn't necessarily sound any better

No, I'm not saying it's any better, just more straight forward but just the choice has complicated things. Choice, in my opinion, is a good thing and I'm glad I'm in a position to choose.

I was just trying to say that this choice didn't exist in the past so much.

Eve_Dublin

I suppose my point is, I'm 32 going on 33, it's 2013 and I haven't a clue if I genuinely want to have children or not and I know I'm not the only one. I'm wondering am I influenced by peer pressure. Coming from the part of Ireland with the highest birth rate in Europe, all of my friends at home in Ireland are having kids and there's talk of "who's next?" in my group of gals.

Also all this talk of the biological clock as women are choosing to have kids later. That can put pressure on you too in a very subtle (or not so subtle) way.

And the fact that parenting is very much out there these days. Everywhere I turn I see photos of babies (on Facebook), discussions among mothers, I see parenting discussed on message boards such as this, I see magazines devoted to parenting etc.

Yet I've more opportunities to experience things my mother never could and have financial independence she never had...and I'm still having the craic in my 30s when she had 5 kids by the time she hit 40. This makes you reconsider having a kid. It suddenly sounds a lot less tempting than before.

I find it overwhelming. Realistically, I have about 7 or 8 years (if I'm very lucky) to decide. I'm torn. That conversation that you should have with your partner seems terrifying because you don't know the answer yourself.

That's my own personal feelings on it anyway.

Malari

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

But how do you know if the person isn't just trying to fob you off?

Well you don't I suppose, but all you can do in a relationship that's serious enough to warrant the "kids" discussion is hope that your partner is being honest with you.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I feel that even if these things are discussed, they aren't necessarily meant. They're only words. And I don't necessarily mean the person is lying but just that they don't know themselves (even if they say "yes" or "no"). A person could mean "no" but they might also mean "no...not with you". Or they could change their minds down the line.

Yep, that can happen. I've seen it happen with a couple who were together a long time, didn't want kids. They broke up and he was married to another woman with a kid within a year. I can't say for sure if I had never met my boyfriend that he wouldn't have had kids with someone else. Some people are never so certain that they do or don't want them that they can't be...convinced is the wrong word, but happy to go along with someone else, if that doesn't sound manipulative!

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I don't think it's as simple as sitting down and saying, "Yes" or "No" or even "I don't know". It seems so much more complicated than it was in the past. I doubt my mother ever had this problem....it was just presumed she would because she was married.

I understand what you're saying about having some sort of chat and yes, I can't argue with that but the chat is made out to be a little more straightforward than it can often be. I think things have changed a lot in this respect.

It's true in the past there was so much societal pressure to have kids that people didn't overthink it. But I agree things have changed for the better, even if it makes finding someone who thinks the same as you quite tricky.

jaja321

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I suppose my point is, I'm 32 going on 33, it's 2013 and I haven't a clue if I genuinely want to have children or not and I know I'm not the only one. I'm wondering am I influenced by peer pressure. Coming from the part of Ireland with the highest birth rate in Europe, all of my friends at home in Ireland are having kids and there's talk of "who's next?" in my group of gals.

Also all this talk of the biological clock as women are choosing to have kids later. That can put pressure on you too in a very subtle (or not so subtle) way.

And the fact that parenting is very much out there these days. Everywhere I turn I see photos of babies (on Facebook), discussions among mothers, I see parenting discussed on message boards such as this, I see magazines devoted to parenting etc.

Yet I've more opportunities to experience things my mother never could and have financial independence she never had...and I'm still having the craic in my 30s when she had 5 kids by the time she hit 40. This makes you reconsider having a kid. It suddenly sounds a lot less tempting than before.

I find it overwhelming. Realistically, I have about 7 or 8 years (if I'm very lucky) to decide. I'm torn. That conversation that you should have with your partner seems terrifying because you don't know the answer yourself.

That's my own personal feelings on it anyway.

I know what you mean. I’m one of a few left out of my circle of friends that hasn't started having kids yet and like you, everywhere I turn people are having kids! I’m 34 turning 35 later this year. I do know I want kids though and so does my partner – but we’re still very much enjoying life as we have it now. Financial independence, being able to get up late on a Saturday morning, head out for dinner or a night out if we feel like, plan holidays etc. Maybe it’s incredibly selfish but we enjoy our life so much it’s hard to leave all that behind.

I see friends talk about how hard it is, how much work it is raising kids, and how they find it hard to get time for themselves. It’s all quite overwhelming. Still though.. I do love kids and definitely want to have them, if I’m lucky enough Would be a sense of mourning for my old life I guess, but hopefully welcoming something wonderful in a different way.

gbee

I'll only say, the mans' clock never runs out, men are somewhat philosophical and there are times that women should be selfish.

Tombo2001

mollybird wrote: »

hey girls,
me and my OH came back from seeing friends who recently had a baby. now the wife is hitting late 30's and we got to talking about the whole kids thing. we are getting married this year and not looking to seriously thinking about kids for the next 2 years which by then we will be heading in that age ourselves.

we had a serious enough conversation about kids on the way home and OH still sounding like he not wanting kids. to me he still sounds materialistic. he earns all the great money so can buy what he wants and don't think he wants to give it up anytime soon.

me with kids i'm broody enough but the serious idea of doing it scares the crap outta me.

so guess i'm wondering have any of ye been in this situation do you or don't you do the whole kid thing (tick tock tick tock kinda thing) have there been any regrets either way???

From a blokes perspective......I can honestly say one of the massive regrets of my life was not having kids earlier.

Of course, in a way you cant say that because then you wouldnt have the kids you have. But I do feel now that those early to mid thirties years, I spent doing things like marathons and weekends away and nice holidays, when I could have had kids instead.....wtf was I thinking.

But at the time......did I want to have kids.....most definitely not. It was 'too soon' for me.

mood

gbee wrote: »

I'll only say, the mans' clock never runs out, men are somewhat philosophical and there are times that women should be selfish.

Mens ages can effect if a child has Down's Syndrome etc. It's not just a woman's age. And do men really think that a 30 your old will want to settle down with them when they are 50! I don't think so.

mood

Tombo2001 wrote: »

From a blokes perspective......I can honestly say one of the massive regrets of my life was not having kids earlier.

Of course, in a way you cant say that because then you wouldnt have the kids you have. But I do feel now that those early to mid thirties years, I spent doing things like marathons and weekends away and nice holidays, when I could have had kids instead.....wtf was I thinking.

But at the time......did I want to have kids.....most definitely not. It was 'too soon' for me.

But is there ever a good time? Would 'too soon' at 30-35 not have been better than never?

hoodwinked

after a surprise pregnancy at 22 (my then boyfriend now husband was only 21), we panicked thinking we were too young for it, (not to mention it was not remotely planned),

i had to drop out of my course as he was closer to finishing his then i was, it was tight but we got through, and 3/4 years on i wouldn't change a thing, we often think we should of had a second child soon after but at the time we had our hands full and didn't think straight,

although we are now only 25/26 we know we are finished with one, our daughter is such i think seriously if we had another baby she would literally pack it up and post it back. she loves having us to herself and we love the fact we can do almost anything with her, for example little things like having two car seats in our car is so easy she can bring friends with her on trips, couldn't do that if we had two or three.

the main reason we are done is the energy needed, when we were 22 we didn't mind getting up in the middle of the nights to do feeds, in fact we could stay up all night and keep going if we had to, nowadays without at least 6 hours we are like zombies.

likewise dealing with a 4 year old is so much easier now then if we were bent double for hours holding a 1 year olds hands as they toddle around, bending over the cot to pick them up, bending over changing nappies, it really takes its toll post pregnancy on your body too, so even with a full term pregnancy, age can be important,

if you have a baby at 40, or older you have to remember, you will be 50 chasing them if the child is like me and learns to cycle at 10, or if your 10 year old wants to play soccer? will you really be that keen on running a pitch at 50? or remember you will be 58 at their 18th, 61 at their 21st. how many 60 year olds will want to be at a 18th or 21st at that age?

of course there are exceptions to everything i said but in general, i think the luckiest thing for us was our daughter happening when she did, in more ways than one.

Eve_Dublin

gbee wrote: »

I'll only say, the mans' clock never runs out, men are somewhat philosophical and there are times that women should be selfish.

My fella is 43 in February. I'm more worried about his age than my own tbh (although he's very fit and healthy). I'd ideally like a dad who can run around after the kids and play with them and be around for a decent amount of time. Men can "have" kids anytime but in practical terms with regards to actually being capable of parenting them, they do have a limit like all humans on any activity that requires physical exertion.

mood

hoodwinked wrote: »

after a surprise pregnancy at 22 (my then boyfriend now husband was only 21), we panicked thinking we were too young for it, (not to mention it was not remotely planned),

i had to drop out of my course as he was closer to finishing his then i was, it was tight but we got through, and 3/4 years on i wouldn't change a thing, we often think we should of had a second child soon after but at the time we had our hands full and didn't think straight,

although we are now only 25/26 we know we are finished with one, our daughter is such i think seriously if we had another baby she would literally pack it up and post it back. she loves having us to herself and we love the fact we can do almost anything with her, for example little things like having two car seats in our car is so easy she can bring friends with her on trips, couldn't do that if we had two or three.

the main reason we are done is the energy needed, when we were 22 we didn't mind getting up in the middle of the nights to do feeds, in fact we could stay up all night and keep going if we had to, nowadays without at least 6 hours we are like zombies.

likewise dealing with a 4 year old is so much easier now then if we were bent double for hours holding a 1 year olds hands as they toddle around, bending over the cot to pick them up, bending over changing nappies, it really takes its toll post pregnancy on your body too, so even with a full term pregnancy, age can be important,

if you have a baby at 40, or older you have to remember, you will be 50 chasing them if the child is like me and learns to cycle at 10, or if your 10 year old wants to play soccer? will you really be that keen on running a pitch at 50? or remember you will be 58 at their 18th, 61 at their 21st. how many 60 year olds will want to be at a 18th or 21st at that age?

of course there are exceptions to everything i said but in general, i think the luckiest thing for us was our daughter happening when she did, in more ways than one.

If you don't want more kids great but I wouldn't just not have more incase you daughter is jealous. All my only child friends would have loved brother and sisters. Go with what you and your husband want. Kids adapt very quickly and they always love babies.

hoodwinked

mood wrote: »

If you don't want more kids great but I wouldn't just not have more incase you daughter is jealous. All my only child friends would have loved brother and sisters. Go with what you and your husband want. Kids adapt very quickly and they always love babies.

like i said thats one reason, the second is we even in our late 20's after doing it once we know we just don't have the energy to go again, we agree if it happened of course we'd get through it, but we don't want to choose to do all that again, we aren't as young as we used to be, we are not able for late nights, or bending over double for hours on end, there is so much more energy needed than just the pregnancy!

eviltwin

My first was a "surprise" at 19. I really do think that if we hadn't had her we would still be child free now and wondering should we go for it. Because making the decision to have a baby is huge and that goes for whether its your first or your fourth. We went to and fro when planning number 2, it was terrifying to think we were planning to commit ourselves to a new person for the rest of our lives and we had the benefit of having been through it all before and knowing what to expect.

Once you go for it life is never the same again and that can be scary for some people but I like to think you gain more than you lose Its not the loss of your old life more the gaining of a whole new one

mood

hoodwinked wrote: »

like i said thats one reason, the second is we even in our late 20's after doing it once we know we just don't have the energy to go again, we agree if it happened of course we'd get through it, but we don't want to choose to do all that again, we aren't as young as we used to be, we are not able for late nights, or bending over double for hours on end, there is so much more energy needed than just the pregnancy!

I know. I spend a lot of time around kids so I know it's not easy.

I can definitely understand why doing it all again would be hard and would put people off. That's one reason a guy with kids wouldn't be a good idea for me.

Neyite

I know people who have older parents - one, her dad's youngest was when he was 59. He still got to see all his children grow to adulthood and well into their late 20's. He was a very fit and active man, so well able to keep up with his children. In fact it was his much younger wife that had spells of ill health that kept her unable to run, lift, bend, and required extended bed rest from time to time.

Another thing that couples should consider and perhaps discuss, is if they do decide to have children, but subsequently are unable to have any, how far is each partner willing to take the process - fertility treatment is emotionally draining, and very expensive, so do you see it to the bitter end no matter what? Do you agree after X amount of rounds of IVF that you are done? Do you go abroad for treatment if its not offered in Ireland? Are you both open to adoption?

I know a couple who cant get pregnant but because he refuses to even set foot in a clinic or take a semen analysis, their mutual dream of children is wiped, and their marriage on very shaky ground. I know another couple where one is adamant that adoption is a no-go area. Luckily they eventually managed to have children. Another couple have been trying with IVF for 13 years, he wanted to give up, she wanted to keep going.

mood

Neyite wrote: »

I know people who have older parents - one, her dad's youngest was when he was 59. He still got to see all his children grow to adulthood and well into their late 20's. He was a very fit and active man, so well able to keep up with his children. In fact it was his much younger wife that had spells of ill health that kept her unable to run, lift, bend, and required extended bed rest from time to time.

Another thing that couples should consider and perhaps discuss, is if they do decide to have children, but subsequently are unable to have any, how far is each partner willing to take the process - fertility treatment is emotionally draining, and very expensive, so do you see it to the bitter end no matter what? Do you agree after X amount of rounds of IVF that you are done? Do you go abroad for treatment if its not offered in Ireland? Are you both open to adoption?

I know a couple who cant get pregnant but because he refuses to even set foot in a clinic or take a semen analysis, their mutual dream of children is wiped, and their marriage on very shaky ground. I know another couple where one is adamant that adoption is a no-go area. Luckily they eventually managed to have children. Another couple have been trying with IVF for 13 years, he wanted to give up, she wanted to keep going.

But what woman really wants a man much, much older! Some men seem to think they can get young woman despite them being much older. I think they are deluded. I know very few couples with a large age gap. I was chatted up by a man 30 year older on Friday night. I felt sick! He honestly thought he had a shot... and I look a lot younger than I am!

mood

mollybird wrote: »

hey girls,
me and my OH came back from seeing friends who recently had a baby. now the wife is hitting late 30's and we got to talking about the whole kids thing. we are getting married this year and not looking to seriously thinking about kids for the next 2 years which by then we will be heading in that age ourselves.

we had a serious enough conversation about kids on the way home and OH still sounding like he not wanting kids. to me he still sounds materialistic. he earns all the great money so can buy what he wants and don't think he wants to give it up anytime soon.

me with kids i'm broody enough but the serious idea of doing it scares the crap outta me.

so guess i'm wondering have any of ye been in this situation do you or don't you do the whole kid thing (tick tock tick tock kinda thing) have there been any regrets either way???

Back on topic - OP is this the first conversation you have had about children? If so why? Assuming you have discussed the future was it ever mentioned?

rainbow kirby

Honestly, if I do have kids, I'd like to be completely done by 35. I don't want to leave it too late due to the increased health risks, and also still wanting to have loads of energy to run around after them. Given that I'm 28 now, that doesn't leave *too* much time! :eek:

I think I've been slightly influenced on this by having young parents, both are 50 now and my youngest sibling is 20 in February - they have their time now to enjoy together. I wouldn't like to be 50 and my child still in primary school.

mood

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Honestly, if I do have kids, I'd like to be completely done by 35. I don't want to leave it too late due to the increased health risks, and also still wanting to have loads of energy to run around after them. Given that I'm 28 now, that doesn't leave *too* much time! :eek:

I think I've been slightly influenced on this by having young parents, both are 50 now and my youngest sibling is 20 in February - they have their time now to enjoy together. I wouldn't like to be 50 and my child still in primary school.

But you can't always plan these things like that. What if you find you self single at 34! Life is unpredictable a lot of the time.

rainbow kirby

mood wrote: »

But you can't always plan these things like that. What if you find you self single at 34! Life is unpredictable a lot of the time.

I know that, I'm just expressing a preference.

Cerulean Chicken

mood wrote: »

But you can't always plan these things like that. What if you find you self single at 34! Life is unpredictable a lot of the time.

She means ideally I'm sure. I'm the same, if I'm having them at all I want to be done or almost done by 35-37, we're happy to let nature takes it course, but if it got to that age without having any I'd be thinking of just leaving it. I don't want to be in my 50's-60's worrying about putting kids through college when I should be looking to slow down in work etc. My mother has friends who had their first and subsequent children at 42, 44, they're wrecked and just starting the process of raising children, having teenagers when you're 60 etc does not sound appealing to me.

mood

My parents had teens when in their 60s and they coped a lot better than younger parents.

Twee.

I guess you just have to cope! My parents are in their mid-50s now with all the kids grown up. I still live at home (at 23) but work, house-keep etc, so I'm not much hassle They've been on month long trips to India, US, off to Rome with their friends in March. It's nice to see them enjoy it!

As for my self, I always thought I'd like to have kids before I'm 30. We'll see how that goes! It might just not work out that way.