The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-01-2013 02:06PM

I need help setting up my new TV. I couldn't figure out how to get any channels, so I set it to auto-tune and it's been showing random episodes of Glee ever since.

hollster2 · 09-01-2013 02:20PM

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS

A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.

livinsane · 09-01-2013 07:33PM

The Beatles song, "Love Me Do" was written by John Lennon after he'd had a really good haircut.

Strawberry Fields · 09-01-2013 07:47PM

When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:

I said, "I'm so ****ing horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."

"Yeah, me too" he smiled.

"**** off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."

10-01-2013 11:56PM

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Ghandee · 12-01-2013 01:08AM

Heard the one about the carrot who died during the Christmas holidays(sad face )?

There was a big turnip at the funeral.

I'm ready for bed.:pac:

13-01-2013 12:23PM

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fúcks sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

13-01-2013 12:23PM

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fúcks sake, you stupid prick . It's ten past three in the fúcking morning !!!'

StinkyMunkey · 13-01-2013 12:36PM

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A fridge don't fart when you take the meat out.

Strawberry Fields · 13-01-2013 03:02PM

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.

Every time I take them down there's a fcuking protest.

13-01-2013 11:36PM

Mobile Phone Etiquette

Shut them up !!!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone:
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric now doesn't use his mobile phone in public

dilallio · 15-01-2013 11:28AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.

This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bull**** stories.

Frank Black · 15-01-2013 04:21PM

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

tayto lover · 15-01-2013 11:22PM

141_Oscar_Mike wrote: »

Man, sick in hospital after eating burgers from Dunnes. Seem to be in a "stable" condition :rolleyes:

Trot along now, that was very mane of you.

Thatnastyboy · 15-01-2013 11:36PM

141_Oscar_Mike wrote: »

Man, sick in hospital after eating burgers from Dunnes. Seem to be in a "stable" condition :rolleyes:

tayto lover wrote: »

Trot along now, that was very mane of you.

Stop horsing around you two

BOHtox · 16-01-2013 02:19AM

Ooooh. 3 horse jokes on the trot. Wait, 4!!!

AngryHippie · 16-01-2013 02:39AM

Are dunnes gonna have to pony up the dough for this screwup ?

BluesBerry · 16-01-2013 03:06AM

AngryHippie wrote: »

Are dunnes gonna have to pony up the dough for this screwup ?

neigh I doubt it

dermiek · 16-01-2013 03:10AM

Hay. these jokes are horse sh1t.

In Exile · 16-01-2013 04:50AM

Just checked the expiry date on my Tesco burgers....... And they're off

chughes · 16-01-2013 01:26PM

I was at a wedding last weekend and the waiter asked me if I'd like Beef Or Salmon or beef or salmon.

kfallon · 16-01-2013 03:01PM

The Missus was just on to me apparently the burgers we were eating from Lidl contained horse meat.

I told her not to worry , We only had a capall

Strawberry Fields · 16-01-2013 03:03PM

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

Awesomeness · 16-01-2013 03:14PM

Dont worry. They've technically only found horse DNA, so they might not contain horse meat.

Just horse semen

Comer1 · 16-01-2013 04:19PM

I was wondering why Tesco burgers were giving me the trotts.

dan185 · 16-01-2013 04:41PM

thread unfollowed.

Culleeo · 16-01-2013 06:44PM

Tesco burgers, low in fat but high in shergar.

Tired of horse burgers? Try Tesco's new range of Korean meat balls. They're the dog's bollox!

kfallon · 16-01-2013 10:31PM

I was in the Tesco cafe ordering my food when the waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger......

So I had a fiver each way!

tayto lover · 16-01-2013 10:33PM

kfallon wrote: »

I was in the Tesco cafe ordering my food when the waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger......

So I had a fiver each way!

You were obviously trying to stirrup trouble.

groovie · 17-01-2013 11:48AM

Tesco are launching a range of burgers for kids called My little pony. (cough)

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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