The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

admiralofthefleet

I don't mind if people make cheesy jokes, as long as they're mature.

tayto lover

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I don't mind if people make cheesy jokes, as long as they're mature.

and not religious ....like ... Cheeses of Nazareth.

zenno

Damn apples....

There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

Curly Judge

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife
..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

In Exile

What is a 6.9?

Something good, ruined by a period

In Exile

What is a 6.9?

Something good, ruined by a period

Pottler

Pupil: "Miss, would you punish me for somthing I didn't do??"
Teacher;"Of course not, that would be unfair and reprehensible".
Pupil:"Good, I didn't do my homework".

In Exile

Jesus Christ made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said J.C. kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from J.C.'s eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

Mrs Garth Brooks

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

frag420

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

Explains your username!!

brummytom

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

What is the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

Man!

A terrible joke at the best of times, but stealing it from Mrs Brown's Boys? Jesus

1ZRed

brummytom wrote: »

A terrible joke at the best of times, but stealing it from Mrs Brown's Boys? Jesus

Bad enough you knew where it came from as well

mad m

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

chughes

I had a really weird dream last night.

I dreamt that the ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.....

Seaneh

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office.

He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying.

Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy.
"
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

peckerhead

Heard about the Irish exorcism?

It's where you call in the Devil to get the priest out of the child.

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge
heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all
the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart
opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just
thinking of my own funeral, "I'm a gynaecologist."

The Priest fainted!

Loafing Oaf

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy?

Would you like to buy a lollipop?

Curly Judge

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to

charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

You're NOT my flight instructor?'

admiralofthefleet

These wind farms you see everywhere are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans

gstack166

Did you hear about the magic Cow?

It went down the road, & turned into a field.

casio4

What did the magic tractor do?
It turned into a field

StormWarrior

Two cats, an English cat and a French cat, were having a race to see who could swim across the channel the fastest. The English cat was called One Two Three Cat and the French cat was called Un Deux Trois Cat. The English cat won. Why?







Because Un Dois Trois cat sank.

Capt'n Midnight

One-one was a horse.
One-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
One-two won one too.

Curly Judge

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

---

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

---

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

---

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears
streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !!!

---

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital...
one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

---

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

---

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

---

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”


In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”


The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….


My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”


In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”


The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….


My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

--Kaiser--

I always cry after sex....mace will do that to you

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered .. . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN no name,


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .. '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....



1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.’

EoghanIRL

^^ where did you find these