The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

dublinman1990 · 26-09-2012 02:52PM

An SNA was sitting a few metres away from me while I was having lunch in School. He mentioned to me what happened while he was supervising some students in a 6th year LCA class while being taught Spanish.

The class were being taught phrases from Christmas & New Year Holidays in Spanish. It seemed to have gone down very well.

One phrase they learned was Happy New Year in Spanish which was usually translated into 'Happy Assios'.

But one day when they came back from their holidays. The teacher get an unusual response when she greeted them all back before she asks them this question.

So; welcome back to all of you, did you have a nice Christmas? They all answered; Yes. Grand, no problems there.

And then this happened when she said to them 'Happy New Year'. One student then says to her in a joke manner, Ah sure your right there Miss.

We all had Happy Asses!!!!

pimbeche · 27-09-2012 01:10PM

One day a rabbit is taking his morning run through the jungle , when he spots a tiger in the distance. He squints and realises the tiger is smoking a joint! He bounds over to the tiger and says " Tiger! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The tiger thinks about this for a second , then throws his joint down . " Youre right" he says , and the two take off running .

After a while , the rabbit suddenly spots a giraffe behind the bushes , and as he squints for a better look , realises that the giraffe is snorting cocaine! He bounds over to the giraffe and says " Giraffe! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me and the tiger through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The giraffe thinks about this for a second , then throws his cocaine down . " Youre right" he says , and the three take off running .

After a while , the rabbit spots a lion behind a tree. As he takes a closer look he sees the lion injecting himself with heroin!! He bounds over to the lion and says " Lion! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me , the tiger and giraffe through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The lion thinks about this for a second , throws his needle down and suddenly punches the rabbit square in the jaw.

As the rabbit falls to the ground , the tiger and giraffe stare at the lion and exclaim " Lion why on earth have you done that! The rabbit was just trying to help us lead healthier lives , and now youve knocked him out !

The lion shakes his head and shouts " that FECKER !! Im SICK of it!!! hes always trying to make me run through the bloody jungle after hes taken ecstasy!!!

Culleeo · 27-09-2012 07:13PM

"A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar.

"That's very rude!" one of them said. "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas."

"And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cunts please."

cartell_best · 27-09-2012 08:40PM

A drunk man is driving home and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” ....“I had a couple” the drunk says to the cop. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank f*ck,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Light Switch · 27-09-2012 10:22PM

Just got home from the pub and went for alovely **** (Had a few, to celebrate Arthurs day)

Anyway, ran out of toilet paper half way through so i used the wifes copy of 50 shades of grey.

Her kindle ****ing stinks now!!

Gonzp · 27-09-2012 10:33PM

Paddy's lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello Sexy, what can I do for you tonight?".
Paddy replies "Do you see that couch you're lying on".
"Yes Sexy" she replies.
Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide".
"Sure Sexy, but why?"...
Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f**kin remote"...:)

G.K. · 27-09-2012 10:50PM

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell, but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this afternoon I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this fridge comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a fridge..."

FanadMan · 28-09-2012 02:45AM

Gonzp wrote: »

Paddy's lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello Sexy, what can I do for you tonight?".
Paddy replies "Do you see that couch you're lying on".
"Yes Sexy" she replies.
Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide".
"Sure Sexy, but why?"...
Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f**kin remote"...:)

Go on......admit it, you heard that on the radio lol

Witcher · 28-09-2012 02:53AM

Two Jewish guys were sent to assassinate Hitler one day while he was out for a walk at 10 in the morning. They're all set with guns and explosives..10 o clock comes and goes without Hitler showing up, they wait until 10:30 and still no Hitler...an hour later and still no sign of him. Eventually one of them turns to the other guy and says 'God, I hope nothing's happened to him'

:pac:

FanadMan · 29-09-2012 02:28AM

Arising from a discussion on homeopatic remedies one chap remarked that the old remedies weren't always great. When his granddad had been unwell his grandmother had covered his back with lard. He went downhill very quickly after that...

gammygils · 29-09-2012 02:51AM

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today.

Instructions said 'Take off top & push up bottom'

Still in A&E at the moment but my farts smell really nice!!

barone · 29-09-2012 02:40PM

I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,

From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for black guys.

barone · 29-09-2012 02:41PM

I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,

From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for black guys.

tayto lover · 29-09-2012 03:09PM

I didn't get that either time.

livinsane · 29-09-2012 03:13PM

Think I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre today. Can't be sure, he had his back to the fuschia.

hatrickpatrick · 29-09-2012 05:22PM

How many policemen does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

None, he fell...

say_who_now? · 29-09-2012 05:28PM

livinsane wrote: »

Think I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre today. Can't be sure, he had his back to the fuschia.

I bumped into Sean Connery myself, he was shaken, not stirred!

giles lynchwood · 29-09-2012 06:51PM

What does Osama bin laden and a pair of St.Bernard tight's have in common.

They both irritate Bush.

livinsane · 30-09-2012 05:53PM

say_who_now? wrote: »

I bumped into Sean Connery myself, he was shaken, not stirred!

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbleton?

Tennish.

giles lynchwood · 30-09-2012 08:10PM

Found my Nan dead in her bed this morning,I was gutted,I put my arms around her and held her as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed she was naked.I ended up fcuking her,just as I was about to cum up her arse she shouted BOO!.
I mean what kind of sick cnut pretends to be dead.!!!

chughes · 06-10-2012 04:25PM

Sadly, my pet mouse, Elvis, died suddenly this morning.

He was caught in a trap.

Duiske · 22-10-2012 07:07PM

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

Light Switch · 22-10-2012 07:59PM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Light Switch · 22-10-2012 08:00PM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up the flagging sex life between her and her husband.

That evening, she puts them on, together with a short leather skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her fella.

At strategic moments, she crosses and uncrosses her legs, Sharon Stone-style. Eventually, her husband acknowledges her attempts to attract him and asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?".

"Oh, y-e-s", she answers seductively, and winks at him.

"Thank goodness for that", replies her husband, "for a horrible moment there, I thought you were sitting on the cat".

Light Switch · 22-10-2012 08:13PM

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

livinsane · 22-10-2012 10:27PM

My sister and I laugh about how competitive we were when we were younger.

But I laugh more.

campo · 22-10-2012 10:39PM

Whats the difference between a Nurse and a Helicopter

Not everyone has been up on a helicopter

Culleeo · 25-10-2012 09:28PM

Scientists have developed a new cream for teenage fanny rash.

It's called

Saville-on

tayto lover · 25-10-2012 11:04PM

Lads its BEST jokes not WORST or SILLIEST.

Alpish · 25-10-2012 11:09PM

A naked guy ran past two old ladies who were sitting on a park bench.

One had a stroke.

The other couldn't reach!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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