The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon · 25-06-2012 01:09PM

Rumours today that UEFA are to hand Wayne Rooney a long ban after he tested positive during Euro 2012 for a Performance Enhancing Rug....

I'll get me coat

TheChevron · 25-06-2012 01:50PM

kfallon wrote: »

Rumours today that UEFA are to hand Wayne Rooney a long ban after he tested positive during Euro 2012 for a Performance Enhancing Rug....

I'll get me coat

Leave now....without your coat.

kfallon · 25-06-2012 01:55PM

TheChevron wrote: »

Leave now....without your coat.

Fook off, that coat cost me a few quid :pac:

Kev_2012 · 27-06-2012 02:21PM

What does a nosey pepper do?

Get's jalapeño business.

kfallon · 27-06-2012 02:25PM

The wife just said, "Can you explain to me why I've found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket???"

"Yes I can my dear", I said to her, "it's because you are a nosey cunt!!!!"

barone · 27-06-2012 04:16PM

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

policarp · 27-06-2012 07:45PM

When the wife and I go out for a walk, I always hold her hand, 'cause if I don't she heads straight for the shops. . .

CarrickMcJoe · 27-06-2012 11:10PM

Just been to Tesco's with the wife, and out of the blue. she says to me,"you're one lazy ba5tard".

Well, I nearly fell out of the trolley........

castletownman · 27-06-2012 11:33PM

You'll never see a church with free Wi-Fi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

zztop · 28-06-2012 09:15AM

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Republic
of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

Curly Judge · 28-06-2012 11:21AM

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful,
and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear
of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....
Then he spoke...
"Iron this will you? -- and then get me a beer."

Pandora2 · 29-06-2012 09:30AM

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
****, We're screwed!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, 2012.'

MetalDog · 01-07-2012 02:59PM

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

Next thing, a cat walks out in front of them.

"How about having sex with that cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replied, "Meow!"

policarp · 01-07-2012 06:55PM

I've recently realised that I'm spending a lot of money on alcohol.

I think I'm turning into a shopaholic. . .

UserName 217 · 01-07-2012 07:53PM

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch"

gozunda · 05-07-2012 12:17AM

Awwww the Ulster Bank Thread is closed!!!! whaaaaa...

It deserves its own Thread!!!

Anyway here is an Ulster Bank Limerick

There was an Irish bank called Ulster
which did not make suffucient muster
As there was no money in its bank
All the staff were less than frank
Its customers went away in a fluster

policarp · 05-07-2012 01:21AM

Paddy got his sleeping tablets mixed up with his Viagra.

He went to bed and had forty w@nks. . .

Mance Rayder · 05-07-2012 04:10AM

Why would the lifeguard not rescue the hippy?

Because he was too far out man.

Goafer · 05-07-2012 08:47AM

Funkfield wrote: »

A man is going to get on a plane with his very special budgie. The budgie can talk, sing and juggle at the same time. The only thing is the budgie needs special attention all the time or he'll stop performing forever. So when the owner tries to board the plane with the budgie the crew stop him and tell him the budgie can't be on the plane. He's very distressed at this news and continues to argue. He eventually convinces the crew to bolt the cage to the wing and for him to have a window seat, it costs him a lot of money to arrange this. He sits at the window playing with the budgie, rubbing the window, blowing kisses and the budgie loves it. Half way through the flight he needs to go to the toilet. There's a nun sitting beside him and he asks her to play with the budgie while he does his business. When the man comes back from the toilet the nun is shaking and apologizing. The man is saying "what happened?" and the nun says "i was sitting here playing with the budgie having a great time and next of all BAM! a yellow brick knocked the whole cage right off the wing"

:cool:
FTW

Someone PLEASE explain this to me

TheChevron · 05-07-2012 10:51AM

There's a first part to go with it.

Still ****e.

Funkfield wrote: »

A young man is given a yellow brick by his dying grandfather. The grandfather tells him it's a special brick and not to ever sell it or give it away or to ever bounce it from a high building, it's a bouncing brick. The man didn't believe him but sure enough the brick bounced and was wonderful. He loved his yellow brick and carried it everywhere. One day a billionaire came to him and said that he wanted the yellow brick and the man wouldn't sell it. Eventually the billionaire offered an amount of money the man couldn't refuse. He passed on the same warning of not bouncing the brick from a height. The bricks new owner was delighted and the first thing he did with his new brick was to go to the top of the tallest building and threw it at the ground as hard as he could and the brick whizzed up into the air, never to be seen again.

newport2 · 05-07-2012 11:19AM

policarp wrote: »

Paddy got his sleeping tablets mixed up with his Viagra.

He went to bed and had forty w@nks. . .

Hear they've just released the female version of Viagra? Guess what they called it?

Niagra

Anyone · 05-07-2012 12:17PM

Was woken yesterday morning by the noise of my neighbours mowing the lawn. had a really bad hangover as well, so I just thought "feck it, he can mow around me I aint moving"

zztop · 06-07-2012 03:14PM

40 knacks showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never seen 40 knacks at the same time, and didn't know quite what to do. "Wait here," he said, "I have to go consult." He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he said, "There are 40 knacks standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God said, "True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test, and admit the five highest scores." St. Peter headed back to his post. A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're gone! They're gone!" he shouted. "Do you mean to say all 40 of them just up and left?" God asked. "No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly gates! They're gone! They're gone

Savage Tyrant · 07-07-2012 12:15PM

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it doesn't work with goal posts made from jumpers.

J Cheever Loophole · 07-07-2012 12:33PM

What's the similarity between Cootehill and an eight month pregnant woman?

They're both near Cavan.

chughes · 07-07-2012 08:07PM

I had a really happy childhood.

When i was young my grandmother used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.

They were goodyears.

Culleeo · 07-07-2012 08:10PM

First there was Empires run by Emperors. Then there was Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries...

christmas2012 · 07-07-2012 08:11PM

chuck norris kicked everyones ass with his little finger

Drafty122 · 07-07-2012 10:35PM

Whats the difference between..

MOD EDIT << SNIP >>

Drafty, no more jokes of that nature.

Juwwi · 08-07-2012 07:56PM

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedo" "paedo" and other bad names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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