The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Born to Die · 23-04-2012 12:52AM

Ghandee wrote: »

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

Answer:
Keith

FYP

policarp · 23-04-2012 02:01AM

Marriage is a three ring circus.

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering. . .

policarp · 23-04-2012 02:09AM

Our last fight was my fault.
She asked, "what's on TV.?"
I said "dust". . .

23-04-2012 08:03AM

What's red and invisible....

.... No Tomatoes

Evie90 · 23-04-2012 10:52PM

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

24-04-2012 11:03AM

Omackeral wrote: »

What's red and invisible....

.... No Tomatoes

You stole that brom Beano! Bash Street Kids as I recall.

Awesomeness · 24-04-2012 03:37PM

My last girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was a compulsive liar.

I think she just couldnt handle my 16 inch penis

Awesomeness · 24-04-2012 03:39PM

What does a wife and a condom have in common

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck

General Relativity · 24-04-2012 03:49PM

A man walks into a bar....

... his alcoholism is destroying his family.

Wesc. · 24-04-2012 11:03PM

A very wise man and a stupid man decided to play a game in which they would ask each other questions. For every question the wise man would answer correctly, the stupid man would have to give him 1 dollar. But for every question the stupid man answered correctly, the wise man had to give him 100 dollars.
So the wise man begun firing away a few questions and , of course, obtained a good few dollars so he decided to let the stupid man ask him a question. The stupid man asked him:

"What is orange, has 8 legs and can fly?"

The wise man, quite embarrassed, admitted he didn't know the answer and gave the wise man 100 dollars.

"So what was the answer anyway?" the wise man asked.

"I don't know, here's a dollar", the stupid man replied.

Lenn Brennan · 25-04-2012 05:23PM

How do you stop an elephant from chasing you on a bike?

Take the bike off him

MetalDog · 26-04-2012 07:32PM

Whats the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you, get off my cloud".

A Scotsman says "Hey MacLeod get off my ewe".

Daniel S · 26-04-2012 07:38PM

Wesc. wrote: »

A very wise man and a stupid man decided to play a game in which they would ask each other questions. For every question the wise man would answer correctly, the stupid man would have to give him 1 dollar. But for every question the stupid man answered correctly, the wise man had to give him 100 dollars.
So the wise man begun firing away a few questions and , of course, obtained a good few dollars so he decided to let the stupid man ask him a question. The stupid man asked him:

"What is orange, has 8 legs and can fly?"

The wise man, quite embarrassed, admitted he didn't know the answer and gave the wise man 100 dollars.

"So what was the answer anyway?" the wise man asked.

"I don't know, here's a dollar", the stupid man replied.

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

Muirgheal · 26-04-2012 08:53PM

Daniel S wrote: »

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

Actually it was a man vs a woman...

28-04-2012 11:19AM

"I get so fedup with people always telling me where to go!"

Well, stop being a taxi driver!

/gets coat!

Ghandee · 28-04-2012 11:28AM

Last night My wife told me that she was 'fed up with me constantly pushing her around, and talking behind her back'....

I had to remind her that she's in a wheelchair.:(

Ellis Dee · 28-04-2012 11:46AM

A guy walks into a theatrical agent's office carrying a big bag, which he plonks down on the floor. He says: "I've got a great act for you", unzips the bag and lifts out a tiny grand piano, a little stool and a guy about a foot tall and wearing a dress suit.

The little guy sits down on the stool and starts playing a Chopin concerto.

The agent is flabbergasted and asks: "Where did you get him?"

The man replies: "I was out hiking in the hills and came across a leprechaun trapped under a fallen tree. I freed him and he told me that under the leprechaun code he had to grant me any wish I made.

"But the little cnut must have been hard of hearing, because what I got was a twelve-inch pianist.":D

El Inho · 28-04-2012 01:36PM

some people just dont get jokes....

El Inho · 28-04-2012 04:02PM

A priest, a rabbi, an irish man, a scots man, and english man and a welsh man all walk into a bar....

bar man says - 'is this some kind of joke'

MetalDog · 28-04-2012 04:26PM

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

28-04-2012 06:49PM

hypermuse wrote: »

what do call a gay dinosaur???

A megasorearse

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

johnnysmack · 28-04-2012 07:37PM

07734 wrote: »

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

Whats up your ass?

Sorry couldn't resist.

28-04-2012 08:07PM

johnnysmack wrote: »

Whats up your ass?

Sorry couldn't resist.

We all need to get behind each other to end this type of thing!

policarp · 02-05-2012 04:09AM

Paddy takes a big bite out of his sandwich and spits it out almost immediately because it tastes vile and burns the gob off him.
"Jebus Cripes Mary, what's in the sambo?"
"Crab paste Paddy, I thought you liked it."
"I do," he says "but where did you get it."
"In the chemists," she says "It was on special offer."

FanadMan · 02-05-2012 04:25AM

Daniel S wrote: »

That's supposed to be an engineer vs a mathamatician :pac:

I heard it as Yank v Paddy

dublinman1990 · 03-05-2012 02:13AM

One night; My Uncle, Mother and I were watching a ITV news report on UFO's.

The report appeared on the 'And Finally' report slot. It said that one UFO was spotted over some motorway in the UK. We all know that UFO's stand for Unidentified Flying Objects. However as soon as the report was over with the news wrapping up; My Uncle had given this response to it.

Uncle: UFO's? Sure, I would call them UFA's.

Me: UFA's?

Uncle: Yeah,

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ARSEHOLES!

duiggers · 03-05-2012 02:30AM

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice!

StupidLikeAFox · 03-05-2012 02:46AM

07734 wrote: »

Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys.

johnnysmack wrote: »

Whats up your ass?

07734 wrote: »

We all need to get behind each other to end this type of thing!

I wasnt going to get involved in your witty banter, butt fuck it

Juwwi · 03-05-2012 02:50AM

So I was bollock naked, masturbating, looking out the bedroom window at my neighbour's 15yo daughter sunbathing.

My dad came in and just stared at me for ages. He just kept looking at me as I pulled myself off.

Do you think he's a pervert?

pmcb · 03-05-2012 03:47AM

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians F**king Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I F**ked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his d**k and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your d**k and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments