The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Temptamperu · 30-03-2012 03:37PM

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.

*crickets*

Why are igloos round?

So penguins cant hide in the corners.

ComfyKnickers · 30-03-2012 03:41PM

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.

*crickets*

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

30-03-2012 03:47PM

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

So what's the difference between a bad golfer and a skydiver... oh I see now!!!

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

44leto · 30-03-2012 03:49PM

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

policarp · 30-03-2012 03:58PM

44leto wrote: »

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

Don't be so pessimistic.

Bounce back and try again. . .

foxyboxer · 30-03-2012 04:07PM

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:

"Tis fcuking killing me!"

:eek::eek:

policarp · 31-03-2012 02:43AM

foxyboxer wrote: »

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:

"Tis fcuking killing me!" :eek::eek:

Try putting them on back to front...

Podge2k7 · 31-03-2012 03:06AM

Knock knock

Whos there

little boy blue

little boy blue who?

michael jackson

im invisible · 31-03-2012 03:32AM

I had a mate who used to wear dark clothes, listen to depressing music, and cut himself. Then last year he moved to northern Canada and became an ex-emo

shopaholic01 · 31-03-2012 01:05PM

A guy from AIB on the news last night predicting house prices will start to rise at the end of this year.

Funniest thing I've heard in a long time:D:D, seriously I nearly wet myself. But if they do rise and our 'investments' start to make off, sure we won't mind losing our free banking now will we?

dan1895 · 01-04-2012 03:54PM

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

suicide_circus · 01-04-2012 04:01PM

dan1895 wrote: »

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

livinsane · 01-04-2012 04:14PM

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

casey junior · 02-04-2012 09:57PM

A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night.
'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'
'..ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees..

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy is paying.)
She finds the zex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

wait for it ..........

Four-sprung Duck technique

Courtesy of Amazon

funnilenough · 03-04-2012 12:10AM

wheelchair bound granny and a retired garda in a old folks home.
every evening she flies up and down the main corridor in her chair,and every evening he tries to antoganise her.
"You crossed a continous white line back there" he'd say ,and give her a telling off.
she'd respond by muttering to herself before returning to her room.
"You were doing 80 in a 60 zone"
"Your front lights aren't working"
and so on.etc

one nite as she's ploughing up and down the corridor,he decides to surprise her by jumping out in the nip with an erection.
"Not the ****in breathlyser again"!.,she exclaimed.

HigginsJ · 04-04-2012 07:47PM

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

Sunnyisland · 04-04-2012 07:59PM

A mother in law said to her sons wife when the baby was born

"i dont mean to be rude but he doesnt look anything like my son"

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said

"I dont mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a f''n photo copier"

hypermuse · 04-04-2012 08:49PM

HigginsJ wrote: »

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

what do call a gay dinosaur???

A megasorearse

statss · 04-04-2012 08:51PM

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self...."

longshanks · 04-04-2012 09:02PM

Knock knock.

Come in.

MetalDog · 04-04-2012 09:53PM

My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

policarp · 05-04-2012 12:35AM

A bloke applies for a job on the London council and gets called
for an interview.
The interviewer asks him does he have any allergies?
Yes he says, caffeine.
Then he was asked did he ever work for the government.
He tells the interviewer that he had done two tours of duty in Iraq.
Good, says the interviewer that's 10 points in your favour.
Next, any disabilities?
Yes, he was close to a mine when it exploded and had both of his
testicles blown off.
Despite his allergy and his disability, his bonus points got him the
job and the interviewer tells him to start work the following morning at
10.30am.
But he says I thought the hours were 8.00am to 4.00pm.
Ah! that doesn't apply to you 'cause council workers sit around drinking
coffee and scratching their balls from 8.00 to 10.00 every morning and
then go for a half hour break.

HigginsJ · 05-04-2012 04:03PM

What did Schrodingers dog say?

"Thank god im not a cat"

Sykk · 05-04-2012 04:40PM

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying

Batsy · 05-04-2012 06:41PM

Q: Why don't the French barbecue?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.

Q: When was the last great French barbecue?
A: That of Joan of Arc in 1431.

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

Q: What is the difference between a Frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: What do you do if you see 90,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Build a monument in London of whoever did it.

You really do have to hand it to the French. After all, they won't fight for it.

TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
10 When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
9 Experience the joy of not winning the World Cup until 1998.
8 You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
7 If there's a war you can surrender really early.
6 You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
5 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
4 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
3 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
2 You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
1 People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

HigginsJ · 05-04-2012 08:31PM

Schrodinger was asked why did the chicken cross the road?

(1) She had to get to the farm, or did she?

(2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer
(else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that
the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of
this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere
sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

(3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?

(4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed,
the act remained a cloud of probabilities.

policarp · 06-04-2012 11:58PM

Impotence is natures way of saying no hard feelings. . .

admiralofthefleet · 07-04-2012 12:26AM

I've got a couple of Rugby jokes to tell, not sure if they're any good but I'll give them a try

44leto · 07-04-2012 12:45AM

HigginsJ wrote: »

Schrodinger was asked why did the chicken cross the road?

(1) She had to get to the farm, or did she?

(2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer
(else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that
the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of
this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere
sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

(3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?

(4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed,
the act remained a cloud of probabilities.

To get to the other side
Why did the neutrino chicken cross the road.

Potential-Monke · 07-04-2012 12:46AM

coco_lola wrote: »

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm crap at poems,
Nice t*ts

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got Alzheimers
Cheese on toast

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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