The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Haha the one about arson is in my business book, epic

dublinman1990 wrote: »

The joke I have here is between a train; a suicide bomber and a catholic priest.

This suicide bomber blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

Got a tip for Ayr on Monday......open your windows on Sunday :pac:

Obviously works better when you say it

Paddy & Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him!
She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him,
as she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising!
She tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up & storms out yelling "I'll be fucked if im hanging around for another 67 of them!!!"

Wht didnt the skeleton jump off the cliff?.

Because he didnt have the guts!!!

Why do skeletons hate winter?

Because the wind just goes straight through them.

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Prob not the best joke you've ever heard:rolleyes:^^

Angela Merkel goes on a weekend getaway to France. At Customs she's stopped by an immigration official who doesn't recognise her.

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel"
"Where are you from?"
"Germany"
"Occupation?"
"No. I'm just here for the weekend".

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack