The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

DannyKing · 07-03-2012 08:50PM

What do you call a fridge with a scarf?

Rupert the fridge

kfallon · 07-03-2012 08:51PM

A woman was talking to her neighbor about the expensive vet bills
she was facing each year when she takes her dog for a check upand all he seems to do is trim the hair in his ears and it sets her back £60.

"Why don't you do it yourself get some of the hair remover from the chemist it's only a few qiud you can save yourself some money", suggest the neighbour.

"Great idea I'll give it a go." So off she goes to the chemist.

Speaking to the chemist she asks him for a tube of hair remover.
He says "excuse me but would you mind if I give you some advice".
"No not at all."

"If you use this under your arms I wouldn't use deodorant for 12 hours"

"It's not for under my arms"

"Oh then if you use it on your legs don't wear tights for a day"

"It's not for my legs either, it's for my Schnauzer!"

"Oh I see", says the chemist, "then in that case don't ride a bike for a week!!!"

:pac:

Spread · 10-03-2012 10:38PM

Question: How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Answer: One ............

if nobody's looking

cranks · 10-03-2012 10:52PM

Wife complains to husband: 'You're always pushing me about and talking behind my back"

Husband to wife: "What do you expect, you're in a wheelchair"

carrick79 · 11-03-2012 04:36AM

This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...

Ledger · 11-03-2012 11:15AM

carrick79 wrote: »

This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...

there's the door. --->

44leto · 11-03-2012 11:23AM

A man is driving down the motorway in a lorry, a car comes up beside him beeping his horn shouting "you are losing your load" the lorry driver shouts down "would you F off" but the driver persists, "you are losing your load for miles now", the lorry driver again tells him to "F OFF". But the driver shouts again, so the driver pulls in and the driver stops, and says again look you are losing your load, "Yeah I KNOW I am gritting the roads"

cruiser178 · 11-03-2012 10:14PM

What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?

A brunette

Nodster · 11-03-2012 10:46PM

Why did the baker's hands smell?

...Cause he kneaded a poo

tfitzgerald · 11-03-2012 11:35PM

cruiser178 wrote: »

What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?
A brunette

A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke

mufcboy1999 · 12-03-2012 12:19AM

Am I the only who doesn't get these spoiler jokes?

What's the catch behind them honestly I'm lost lol

admiralofthefleet · 12-03-2012 12:23AM

i saw a sign today that made me piss myself........toilets closed

pebbles21 · 12-03-2012 01:16AM

A Nagger brings his wife to the hospital with two black eyes,bloody nose and a broken jaw

Nurse asks "What happened?"

Nagger "Shes going through the change luv!"

Nurse "you dont end up like that going through the change!"

Nagger "Ye do when its the change in me pockets!!"

Ledger · 12-03-2012 11:45AM

tfitzgerald wrote: »

A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke

Tap the spoiler, it will show then. Does on mine anyway. (SonyEricsson X8)

Wossack · 12-03-2012 12:24PM

iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky

Will I Amnt · 12-03-2012 08:53PM

Wossack wrote: »

iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky

Tapping the spoiler works for me,are you not using the touch site??
http://touch.boards.ie

Galway K9 · 13-03-2012 02:31PM

My brother raped a hooker last week. They arested him for theft

Galway K9 · 13-03-2012 05:47PM

A radio station was running a
competition – words that
weren’t in the dictionary yet
could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your
name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N
pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave,
‘goan’ is not in the dictionary.
Now, for a trip to Bali: What
sentence can you use that word
in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan f uck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and
took other calls, all unsuccessful
until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E,
pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff,
‘smee’ is not in the dictionary.
Now, for a trip to Bali: What
sentence can you use that word
in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan f uck
yourself!”?

policarp · 14-03-2012 01:01PM

The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .

frag420 · 14-03-2012 01:07PM

policarp wrote: »

The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .

D- Must try harder.

kincsem · 14-03-2012 05:17PM

I robbed this from the Betfair Forum Chit Chat (posted by **** Happens)

Banned from Sainsburys

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Ha Ha!!!

patmac · 14-03-2012 05:28PM

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a lady-boy.
Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed parked into a narrow parking space,in the dark, with no problem,
Then I thought . . .
Just a bloody minute!

--Kaiser-- · 14-03-2012 05:30PM

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

frag420 · 14-03-2012 07:50PM

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

frag420 wrote: »

D- Must try harder.

It's at least a B+

No guff!!

mr.jingle · 14-03-2012 09:48PM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

uberalles · 14-03-2012 10:20PM

Two cannibals kidnap a circus performer.
Later that evening they cook him up in a stew and have dinner.
During the meal one cannibal turns to the other cannibal and says ......

does this clown taste funny to you?

admiralofthefleet · 15-03-2012 03:26AM

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

16-03-2012 07:37PM

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS!

cruiser178 · 16-03-2012 11:01PM

not saying my girlfriends a slag but even the label on her knickers says next.

Pottler · 19-03-2012 01:13AM

Our Lord said to St Paul-"come forth and enjoy eternal life".
St Paul raced, came fifth and only won a toaster.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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