The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

barone · 23-06-2011 1:19pm

Two Blonde women were in the woods. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

sHe left and came back with sh*t all over her hands and clothes.

Her friend looked at her and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

eskimocat · 23-06-2011 3:44pm

What is black and white and goes bump bump bump?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A nun falling down the stairs

What is black and white and goes teeeheeeheee?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The priest that pushed her

c-note · 23-06-2011 4:03pm

This is my most awesome joke lately,
got it from alexander pope in scotland.
i'm not sure how it'll read but "live" it works a treat.

It works best when done with 1 other person (victim) within a group of people

me:
Whats a pirates favourite animal
Person1:
aaarrrrdvark, arrrrrmmadillo etc etc (prompt if required)
(crowd moans at silly pirate jokes?)

me:
What rating would you give a pirate film?
person1:
an arrrrrrrrr rating (prompt if required!)
(maybe some polite tittering with head shaking)

me:
What branch of the military would you put a priate in?

Person1: the arrrrrrrrmy (joke hinges on person1 saying this)
me(bluntly): no its the NAVY you dumb B*STARD

LAUGHTER

chughes · 23-06-2011 4:53pm

When Bill Clinton was President of the USA, he was walking along one of the corridors in the White House one day when a very attractive young girl in her late teens/early twenties walks by him.

He stops and asks her, "excuse me but are you new here ?".

"Yes Mr President" said the girl, "I'm a new intern and I just started in the White House this morning".

Says Bill, "I thought I hadn't come across your face before".

barone · 25-06-2011 1:26pm

Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a Golf ball through a 20 ft. garden hose?

A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever it takes.

14 years of sex in the dark wife finds out hes been using a dildo.. wife says explain the dildo fool.....hubby replies...well explain the kids bitch!!!!

Spread · 26-06-2011 12:25am

Entry to Heaven

A fellow dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven - not having pre-booked (prayers, novenas, intercessions, ejaculations etc.)
This is the criteria before entry is successfully applied for.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? "No"
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities? "No"
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No
St. Peter began shaking his head. He says, "Look, everybody that enters has to have qualified. You must have done something noble in your 19 years on earth".

Well he says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and car keys and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. Afraid I lost my rag, put my messages down and tore through the crowd. The biggest fella with the purple bandana and covered in facial tattoos had the purse. I said, "Give me that ****ing purse you oaf before I kick the **** out of you". His thin lips sneered, so I kicked him in the stones and tore the purse from him and gave it to the distressed lady. Right ye miserable shower of fcukpigs ....... three at a time"!

"Wow", said Peter, "That's deadly impressive. When did this happen"?
"About 3 minutes ago", says your man.

gman2k · 26-06-2011 1:51pm

/\/\/\/\/\ Ejaculations???????

Spread · 26-06-2011 3:54pm

gman2k wrote: »

/\/\/\/\/\ Ejaculations???????

http://catholicism.about.com/od/prayers/g/Ejaculation.htm

Effing pagan, God forsaken, worst type of infidel. If you don't know the meaning of the above, you haven't done it. Off you go to the Male Virgin Pride March.

chughes · 26-06-2011 8:12pm

Spread wrote: »

http://catholicism.about.com/od/prayers/g/Ejaculation.htm

Effing pagan, God forsaken, worst type of infidel. If you don't know the meaning of the above, you haven't done it. Off you go to the Male Virgin Pride March.

I notice on that website that one of the ejaculations is called Come Holy Spirit.

Who knew the Vatican had a sense of humour ?

Spread · 26-06-2011 8:25pm

chughes wrote: »

I notice on that website that one of the ejaculations is called Come Holy Spirit.

Who knew the Vatican had a sense of humour ?

According to the story that Mary told to Joseph ......... he did! And that's why she had to sit sidesaddle on the donkey

Hang on a sec ......... that made Jesus have two fathers. This man and what he started has caused a lot of, er, piety in the world. I think there already is another simultaneous thread dealing with this ....... :rolleyes:

admiralofthefleet · 26-06-2011 8:32pm

whats the one case columbo cant crack

his coffin

chughes · 26-06-2011 8:45pm

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

whats the one case columbo cant crack
his coffin

"I've just one last question, how do I get outa here ?".

VampiricPadraig · 26-06-2011 8:47pm

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was DEAD!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because....it was...stapled to the first monkey!

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer Pressure

efb · 26-06-2011 8:52pm

What does a maths teacher do when he's constipated?

Works it out with a pencil.

mr lee · 26-06-2011 9:06pm

how do you confuse 2 blind lesbians, put them in the middle of a fish farm. police arrested a firecracker and a battery, they let off one and charged the other.

wobblyheadedbob · 26-06-2011 9:31pm

What do you call a rich Chinese person?

Cha Ching!

*ashamed*

thebullkf · 26-06-2011 9:32pm

What do you call :

A 3 legged donkey

a wonkey

A one eyed 3 legged donkey

a winky wonkey

A one eyed 3 legged donkey with a guitar\

a honky tonky winky wonkey

a donkey on heroin

a Jonkey

A donkey hanging outta a tree eating a banana

a mon-key

whats the most crucial part of a joke timing

efb · 26-06-2011 11:09pm

How come when the title is best joke you ever heard, people list of reams of them????

Indecisive much???

Bassboxxx · 26-06-2011 11:17pm

Yeah I'm thinking the thread should be renamed "any joke you've ever heard"

thebullkf · 26-06-2011 11:21pm

Bassboxxx wrote: »

Yeah I'm thinking the thread should be renamed "any joke you've ever heard"

efb wrote: »

How come when the title is best joke you ever heard, people list of reams of them????

Indecisive much???

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

frenchy1992 · 27-06-2011 12:08am

There are three men in a plane. It is losing altitude so they all have to throw something out of it.

The first man, who is american, throws out his wallet.
The ssecond one who is french, throws out a bottle of wine.
The last one, a man from palestine throws out a bomb.

When he gets home, the american fella meets a homeless person that seems absolutely delighted. He asks him "why are you so happy ?" and the homeless person answers : "I just found a wallet full of money ! "

When the french man gets home he sees a boy crying so he asks him what's wrong. The boy answers : "I was walking in the street and a bottle of wine fell on top of me !!!"

When the palestinian guy comes home, he sees an old man laughing out loud. He asks him : "what's so funny ?". The old man answers : "I farted and my house exploded !"

Bassboxxx · 27-06-2011 12:32am

thebullkf wrote: »

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

If you bother to look you'd have seen I did and low and behold it was the best joke I ever heard....:rolleyes:

Ah I see now, you musta thot I was talking about you....wasn't, I actually thot ur "wonkey" jokes were good...tut

Chuck Stone · 27-06-2011 2:04am

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly

:pac:

D_murph · 27-06-2011 2:11am

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men give a s**t :pac:.

efb · 27-06-2011 6:48am

thebullkf wrote: »

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

Scroll up!
Also I would consider the donkey thing 1 joke. The timing one make it two tho! Lolz

fred funk }{ · 27-06-2011 10:57am

I rang work this morning and told them I wouldn't be in because I was sick. My boss asked me how sick I was. I told him I was really sick, I was in bed with my sister.

fred funk }{ · 27-06-2011 11:10am

A traveller came home from school one day and said to his mother "mammy mammy I was in school today and I was able to count to twenty and nobody else could, is that because I'm a traveller?" "yes yes son that's because you're a traveller" said the mother.

The next day the traveller came home from school again and asked his mother "mammy mammy I was in school today and I was able to spell 'car' and nobody else could is that because I'm a traveller?" "yes yes son that's because you're a traveller" said the mother.

The next day the traveller once again came home from school and said " mammy mammy I was in school today and after PE I was in the changing room and I noticed my willy was much bigger than anybody else's, is that because im a traveller?" the mother said "no son that's because you're 26".

Hootanany · 27-06-2011 3:25pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

barone · 30-06-2011 2:58pm

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Poor Uncle Tom · 30-06-2011 4:41pm

barone wrote: »

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off arent you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

That's not a joke....

That's the worst horror story I heard in my life....:eek:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments