The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon

Two prostitutes on a street corner chatting away.

One says to the other..."you ever been picked up by the fuzz"?

She responds, "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times".

kfallon

I met a woman the other day. Told me she was an lesbian and an asthmatic. She could only catch her breath in snatches.

kfallon

My sister brought her 9 week old daughter round to visit recently, and after feeding her, handed her to me and asked if I wanted to wind her. I thought, 'that's a bit rough'...so I only gave her a dead-leg instead.

beertons

Marching season.

Spread

An English medic is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.


The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

DublinWriter

Guy at a party stops another guy from taking an open can from a table and says
"Sorry mate, I was using that as an ashtray"
Second guy says "tough".

giles lynchwood

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Dublin_Gunner

giles lynchwood wrote: »

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Jokes are meant to be funny.

Dancor

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to chop a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And chop wood in the dark?"

BigDuffman

The dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.... :P

barone

Little boy crying in tescos. Man says " are u lost"? boy says "yes" man says "whats your mummy like"? boy says "big cocks and Bacardi breezers



Got a phone call last night. Some fella saying it was long distance from Australia. I told him I already knew that


Was in the ladies toilets and saw a condom machine 'approved by the British standards'. Someone wrote under it, 'so was the Titanic.


Old lady goes to a dentist; sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs. He says, "I'm not a gynecologist!" She says, "I know, I need my husband's teeth back!"

Doublechinlolz

Mushroom goes into a bar.. Barman says sorry we dont serve your type here..
Mushroom replies, Why not? I'm a fungi :cool:

Doublechinlolz

Why is there no Asprin in the jungle?
The parrots-eat-em-all
:pac:

kfallon

The job interviewer asked,"What's your name?"

"Its John-F*ck*ng- b*st*rd-c*nt-p*ss flaps Brady"

"Do you suffer from Tourettte's John?" asked the interviewer.

"No, said John,but the vicar at my christening did".

kfallon

I was in the car the last night having some fun with the wife re-kindling old memories, things were starting to get hot, when she whisperd in my ear, "Fook me in the sh*thole.

I said, "If you think I'm driving to Cork this time of night you can think again". I took her straight home.

kfallon

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ??


I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.


I spent €4k replacing every window in the house, then realised I had a crack in my glasses.

kfallon

An old lady was in the common room of an old folks home when she passed a sad looking little old man. "What's wrong Neville?" she asked. "Doris, I miss sex! All I ever think about is sex! sex! sex! sex!" exclaimed Neville.

"Don't be silly Neville, you're too old to have sex!" "Doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'd give my left nut if I could get someone to just hold it a little each day!" "Well, I can do that for you Neville" said Doris as she promptly sat next to him and fished out his wrinkled old member.

Every morning Doris would come over, sit next to Neville and chat about the day, all the while holding on to his c**k. This carried on for several weeks, but one morning Doris arrived at their chair only to find Neville sitting next to another woman. A woman who was holding his c**k. Doris was outraged. She screamed "Neville Bartlett, you bastard! What has she got that I haven't got?"

Neville squints at Doris and says "Parkinson's"

wandatowell

Q. Whats the difference between a snow tyre and a black man?

A. The snow tyre wont sing when you put chains on it.

jd007

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him 'Get over here! What's your name sailor?'

'John' the sailorman replied.

'Look I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority' the chief scowled.

'I refer to sailors by their last name and you are to refer to me as chief. Do I make myself clear?'

'Aye aye chief!'

'Now what's your last name?' the chief asked.

The seaman sighed. 'Darling. My name is John Darling chief.'

'Okay John, here's what I want you to do...'

SteelyDanJalapeno

jd007 wrote: »

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him 'Get over here! What's your name sailor?'

'John' the sailorman replied.

'Look I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority' the chief scowled.

'I refer to sailors by their last name and you are to refer to me as chief. Do I make myself clear?'

'Aye aye chief!'

'Now what's your last name?' the chief asked.

The seaman sighed. 'Darling. My name is John Darling chief.'

'Okay John, here's what I want you to do...'

Wait, so he wanted to call him by his 2nd name?

until, he found out it was darling?!

OMG hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Capt'n Midnight

giles lynchwood wrote: »

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Islas CANARIAS means "Island of the Dogs" LOL

I would have loved to see the expression on the Turks faces when he announced that.

jd007

Horgan wrote: »

Wait, so he wanted to call him by his 2nd name?

until, he found out it was darling?!

OMG hahahahahahahahahahahaha

http://omg.wthax.org/thatsthejoke.jpg

im invisible

Paddy and Mick want to immigrate to Australia, so they head to the nearest Immigration Office.

Mick goes in first, and after 5 mins he comes out and gives his brother the thumbs up and says "I'm in!"

Paddy goes next and the Immigration Officer says,
"What kind of work do you do?"
Paddy replies "I'm a turf cutter"

The officer runs his finger down his list of jobs and says
"Sorry, we don't need turf cutters in Australia, I cant let you in!"
Paddy goes "But you don't understand, I'm the best, the straightest, the neatest turf cutter in all of Ireland. If theres turf to be cut, I'm your man!"
Officer: "No, you dont understand, we have no turf in Australia, I'm sorry there is no place for you."

Paddy: "But you let my brother in not 5 mins ago!!"

Officer: "Yes, but he's a Pilot"

Paddy: "I know, but if I don't cut it, he can't pile it!

barone

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?

A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

barone

Two Blonde women were in the woods. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."


The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

sHe left and came back with sh*t all over her hands and clothes.

Her friend looked at her and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

eskimocat

What is black and white and goes bump bump bump?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A nun falling down the stairs

What is black and white and goes teeeheeeheee?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The priest that pushed her

c-note

This is my most awesome joke lately,
got it from alexander pope in scotland.
i'm not sure how it'll read but "live" it works a treat.

It works best when done with 1 other person (victim) within a group of people

me:
Whats a pirates favourite animal
Person1:
aaarrrrdvark, arrrrrmmadillo etc etc (prompt if required)
(crowd moans at silly pirate jokes?)

me:
What rating would you give a pirate film?
person1:
an arrrrrrrrr rating (prompt if required!)
(maybe some polite tittering with head shaking)

me:
What branch of the military would you put a priate in?

Person1: the arrrrrrrrmy (joke hinges on person1 saying this)
me(bluntly): no its the NAVY you dumb B*STARD

LAUGHTER

chughes

When Bill Clinton was President of the USA, he was walking along one of the corridors in the White House one day when a very attractive young girl in her late teens/early twenties walks by him.

He stops and asks her, "excuse me but are you new here ?".

"Yes Mr President" said the girl, "I'm a new intern and I just started in the White House this morning".

Says Bill, "I thought I hadn't come across your face before".

barone

Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a Golf ball through a 20 ft. garden hose?

A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever it takes.





14 years of sex in the dark wife finds out hes been using a dildo.. wife says explain the dildo fool.....hubby replies...well explain the kids bitch!!!!

Spread

Entry to Heaven

A fellow dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven - not having pre-booked (prayers, novenas, intercessions, ejaculations etc.)
This is the criteria before entry is successfully applied for.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? "No"
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities? "No"
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No
St. Peter began shaking his head. He says, "Look, everybody that enters has to have qualified. You must have done something noble in your 19 years on earth".

Well he says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and car keys and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. Afraid I lost my rag, put my messages down and tore through the crowd. The biggest fella with the purple bandana and covered in facial tattoos had the purse. I said, "Give me that ****ing purse you oaf before I kick the **** out of you". His thin lips sneered, so I kicked him in the stones and tore the purse from him and gave it to the distressed lady. Right ye miserable shower of fcukpigs ....... three at a time"!

"Wow", said Peter, "That's deadly impressive. When did this happen"?
"About 3 minutes ago", says your man.