The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Wossack

Just heard the World Innuendo Championship is starting next week. Im thinking of entering my sister.

kfallon

Was reminded of this on another thread (sorry for posting it here as well)

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down then walks out.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"?
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".


After a short pause.







The rabbit said... "Mixing me toasties "

kfallon

"A miner in an African mine has a bad accident and loses a leg, he says to his mate "I'm buggered now, aren't I?", "who is going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says to him, "Well you could always give Paul McCartney a ring?!?"

--Kaiser--

A squirrel walks into a bar, hops onto the nearest stool and says to the barman "Pint of Guinness please!"

Barman is a little shocked but pours the drinks for the squirrel. The squirrel hops over to a corner booth and happily drinks his pint.

A little later the squirrel hops back over and asks for another pint of Guinness. The squirrel seems to be in good form so he pours him another pint. The squirrel takes it over to his booth and drinks away happily.

A bit later the squirrel hops over again and asks for another pint. His slurring his words a bit at this stage but the barman decides the little fella can handle his booze, so he pours him another pint. Again he hops back over to his booth.

Later on the barman hears a noise as the squirrel knocks over his table and drunkenly staggers over to the door and out. It's late at this stage so the barman decides to clean and lock up.

The barman is in the process of mopping the floor when the squirrel stumbles back in, still pissed as a fart. The barman calls loudly "No more drink, we're closed!"

"No" the squirrel says, shaking his head "I can't find my keys....I'm locked out of my tree!"

Dan133269

kfallon wrote: »

The rabbit said... "Mixing me toasties "

What the hell does that mean?

--Kaiser--

Dan133269 wrote: »

What the hell does that mean?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis

Spread

Dan133269 wrote: »

What the hell does that mean?

Myxomatosis! Jesus, city people should gin up in country issues

Oops! Beaten to it.

beer enigma

A Chicken & Egg are lying in bed - the chicken is resting back against the headboard smoking with a satisfied look on his face - the egg rolls over, lifts sheet & says well I guess that's one question answered

Sweatynutsack

Calafornia Drivers, these are the actual test answers

Q Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the rd?
A What for?, he cant see my reg number

Q When driving through the fog, what should you use?
A Your car

Q How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A Be too pizzed to find your keys

Q What problems would you face if arrested for drink driving?
A I'd lose me buzz a lot faster

Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A I would be forced to drive unlawfully

Q What is the difference between a flashing red light and a flashing yellow light?
A The colour

Eircom_Sucks

4 men in prison cell:
a Rapist
a Murderer
a Psycho
...and a Gay.
.
.

Rapist: If there's a cat here, i'd **** it
til it dies.

Murderer: once you're done, i'd
torture it to death.

Psycho: once it's dead, i'd **** it till i
die.
.
.
the Gay in the corner very softly says…
meooww

barone

Parent's nightmare.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this to you. I have eloped with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've found true love with Tracy, but I knew you would not approve, because of her piercings, tattoos and her tight motorcycle clothes. She is also twelve years older than me. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Tracy said that we will be very happy. She owns a hut in the woods, and has enough firewood for the whole winter.

We share the dream of having many more children.

Tracy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Tracy can get better. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 now and know how to take care of myself.

One day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, from your son,

Kenneth.






















P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Let me know when it's safe to come home.

kfallon

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on innuendos.

So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it

kfallon

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter..


It's called "Oh, She's Eleven."

bonzodog2

kfallon wrote: »

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on innuendos.

So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide.
The librarian said "Fvck off, you'll never bring it back"

kfallon

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.


My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work - If anything its made him more sluggish.


I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day.

As soon as i got the little guy home he made a bolt for the door.


My Nan caught me **** the other night,she was so shocked she had a stroke..




..such lovely soft hands




My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs

Littlehorny

I was born on the 14th of febuary, thats right so even on my birthday i have to buy some bitch dinner!

Gran Hermano

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt

.

themacdaddy

What did the Leper say to the prostitute after having sex?



You can keep the tip.

padd b1975

Sweatynutsack wrote: »

Calafornia Drivers, these are the actual test answers

Q Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the rd?
A What for?, he cant see my reg number

Q When driving through the fog, what should you use?
A Your car

Q How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A Be too pizzed to find your keys

Q What problems would you face if arrested for drink driving?
A I'd lose me buzz a lot faster

Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A I would be forced to drive unlawfully

Q What is the difference between a flashing red light and a flashing yellow light?
A The colour

Who would have thought people from California would be familiar with the phrase "I'd lose me buzz"?

Kippure

Why do women rub there eyes in the morning...cause they,ve no balls to scratch.

What do you call a dog with no tongue...dirty bollocks.

IsMiseDaithair

A zoo opened up in my town the other day. It only has 1 dog in it at the minute.

It's a shih tzu

seanybiker

Gran Hermano wrote: »

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt

.

It doesnt actually get longer, its always the same length, just rolled up in a little compartment.

SteelyDanJalapeno

Seany no fun

Eoin

seanybiker wrote: »

It doesnt actually get longer, its always the same length, just rolled up in a little compartment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFcqGGMPc3k

cruiser178

Gran Hermano wrote: »

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt

.

seanybiker wrote: »

It doesnt actually get longer, its always the same length, just rolled up in a little compartment.

Horgan wrote: »

Seany no fun

its late, i dont know whether to laugh...or shoot myself in the head.

NoQuarter

Why did the polish person cross the road?....



Cause he took the chickens job.

robman60

Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub

discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything

organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,

the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Chiggers

Paddy Irishman goes for labourers job on a site in England. The 2 foremen decide to take the piss and tell him the jobs his if he can explain to them the full technical difference between a joist and a girder if he shows up the next morning.

Next morning paddy shows up. "ok paddy, have you got an answer?"

"I spent all night summarising the technicalities...so here goes;
A joist could be said to have changed the syntax of the englsh langauge. Ulysses is a prime example.
A girder could described as dealing with the oft-problematic issue of the duality of human existence, Faust is the pre-eminent example.

BIOHAZARD96

*BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME*

Jim goes to Peter's house to get peter but only peter's wife is there.

Jim tells peter's wife he will give her 300euro for a shagging.

Peter's wife cannot deny so after 30 minutes of sex , Jim gives her the money and goes on his way.

Peter comes home an hour later and says to his wife " Did Jim give you that 300 he owed me?"

Mr Freeze

^ Ninja Edit...
I was on my way to point out the mistake for all to behold.