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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    Why does Ben Dunne no more ambition in life? Because he's Ben there and Dunne that.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭N1one


    I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...



    I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…


    Why does Irish chilli have only 239 beans?
    -Because if it had one more, it’d be too farty!
    :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭Bearhunter


    fobster wrote: »
    Why does Ben Dunne no more ambition in life? Because he's Ben there and Dunne that.

    Ben there, Dunne that and bought the Taoiseach, if the rumours were true...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,421 ✭✭✭major bill


    feeling a little depressed lately i decided to treat myself to the jay z endorsed back scratcher

    I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT AN ITCH AINT ONE


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 614 ✭✭✭colinod0806


    So stolen from Stuart Francis on Mock the week last night!
    Is there any jokes here that haven't been nicked from sickipedia
    get a life no one here is claiming they wrote the jokes:rolleyes:

    Johro wrote: »
    You're as funny as suicide.
    face it sometimes suicide can be funny:)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,555 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    face it sometimes suicide can be funny:)


    Bunny book of suicides...legend!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,620 ✭✭✭Grudaire


    face it sometimes suicide can be funny:)

    Time for some emo jokes:


    Did you hear about the new emo website?
    www.emo.com/wrists


    When I look at an emo, I don't see one person, I see two disappointed parents.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 131 ✭✭lionela


    Man walks into a bookies shop and asks the clerk " Can I back a horse in here ???) clerk answers ...of coarse you can...good says the man and calls his horse outside by name...Come on Back away

    Boom Boom


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭patmac


    I Have just bought eight legs of venison for a tenner.....Do ya think thats two deer????


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,421 ✭✭✭major bill


    do you reckon joseph fritzel goes around prison saying larry murphy jokes??:o


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭folan


    My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2 CommonNameDave


    What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
    .
    .
    .
    Well, that's another load off of my chest!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,563 ✭✭✭stateofflux


    couple of bob monkhouse gems..

    "I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

    "I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,711 ✭✭✭keano_afc


    I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,477 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭Brendog


    "I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."

    "Dadthespacebuttononmyphoneisfaultypleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."


    "As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

    They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭jc77


    Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

    It's boring.


  • Registered Users Posts: 476 ✭✭Carra23


    You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,650 ✭✭✭sensibleken


    Why did god invent dominos pizza?

    To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen


    -Neil Hamburger, last night


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 904 ✭✭✭bemak


    A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

    I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

    As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 773 ✭✭✭D_murph


    What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?

    A Wii fit!!

    :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?










    Killed in a tunnel.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I remember watching Wayne Rooney in the world cup and thinking, you fat head you couldn’t score in a brothel.






    Just shows how much I know about football.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭patmac


    My mother-in-law was killed in an horrific accident involving the washing machine, ah well at least she died in comfort!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

    The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?






    Apparently, it's Africa.

    ________________________

    One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.





    It appears that Northsiders and Pikeys is not the correct answer

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    I was busy having sex with the wife when I felt a tap on my shoulder.I hate ****ing in the bath.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.











    She went fookin bananas.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

    They tell you


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 692 ✭✭✭gleep


    There's a new diet sweeping Pakistan




    It's called the swimfast diet


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,083 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Sadly, a friend of mine committed suiside last week by drinking a tin of varnish.




    He had a terrible end but a beautiful finish!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    dyslexic gets mixed up between his sleeping tablets and viagra..

    Ended up going for 40 ****!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    I got stopped by a market researcher while out and about, she asked me what grooming products do I currently use.


    I told her Haribo and High School Musical usually do the trick.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Goin into B & Q , guy asked me "Do you want decking?"

    Just as well I was faster!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭Dennis the Stone


    jc77 wrote: »
    Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

    It's boring.

    Tribune:

    a0V5A.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 2 harbel


    Cant keep Cork Down!


  • Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Podman


    Up Down


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Me and my wife's favourite sexual position is called the "Man City in Europe."

    Neither of us know what we are doing or why we are there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage.

    There's dribbling and never a clean sheet, it's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another fookin year before it happens again.



    P.S.

    If you are "City till you die" there are clinics for that these days in Switzerland!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A big well done and congratulations to my missus for managing the amazing feat of getting a black belt in cookery.










    The only woman on Facebook that can kill a man with one chop!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Last night, my missus rubbed Coffee Granules all over my c*ck...






    ... I came in an instant.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭jc77


    Boxing Commision strip Ricky Hatton of his boxing licence.

    This must be terrible news for the retired fighter.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,209 ✭✭✭✭JohnCleary


    Whats yellow and dangerous?

    Shark infested custard

    The discharge from my penis


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My English teacher once told me my grammar was ****.

    I replied;



    “Well, your granddads a twat”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 476 ✭✭Carra23


    Did you hear the British Nationalist Party donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal...........................


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Ebay help

    HELP :(. . . does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?


    I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Lets face it; after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says; WTF:mad:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,711 ✭✭✭keano_afc


    My 3 unwritten rules for life:

    1.
    2
    3.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    CONFUCIUS SAY:D

    A lion will not betray his wife...................... but a tiger wood

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    What does Mr. T stand for??..... A fool robbed his chair


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Why is your sh1te pointy?







    So your hole doesnt slam shut!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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