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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1202
    MBC
    Registered Users Posts: 1,502 ✭✭✭MBC


    Quit taking life so seriously...your not going to get out of it alive anyway


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    #1203
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Did you know that President Obama signed the stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?


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    #1204
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Cost of “The Passion of the Christ”: $45 Million

    Cost of “The Passion of Mel Gibson”: $320Million


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    #1205
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

    So I pushed her over.


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    #1206
    pipsqueak
    Closed Accounts Posts: 618 ✭✭✭pipsqueak


    What did the traveller say to his missus when they broke up??

    Can we still be cousins!!!?

    :p


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    #1207
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I've been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

    Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.


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    #1208
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Why did the illusionist cross the road?

    He didn't.


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    #1209
    garbanzo
    Registered Users Posts: 742 ✭✭✭garbanzo


    Q: How do you cook a monkey?

    A: Gorilla


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    #1210
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I came home to my wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".

    And I said, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"


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    #1211
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    There are two things that you need to know to be successful:

    1. Never reveal everything you know.


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    #1212
    sin-blu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭sin-blu


    when is a bus not a bus?

    when it turns into a street!!!! hahahaha


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    #1213
    MBC
    Registered Users Posts: 1,502 ✭✭✭MBC


    A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

    "You've really Excelled yourself this time!" she says.


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    #1214
    TheAlmightyZeus
    Registered Users Posts: 204 ✭✭TheAlmightyZeus


    What did the farmer say to the rreally loud, annoying sheep?

    Quiet ewe!


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    #1215
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Visibility at the F1 Chinese Grand Prix must have been rubbish...

    All the spectators looked like they were squinting.


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    #1216
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    how does a typical love story involving crack heads, end?

    the hero getting the heroine


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    #1217
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,241 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Like most people my age,

    I'm 37.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #1218
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    sex 69 the old fashioned way
    LXIX


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    #1219
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,973 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    tfitzgerald wrote: »
    sex 69 the old fashioned way
    LXIX
    don't you mean LIX ?


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    #1220
    andy1249
    Registered Users Posts: 1,345 ✭✭✭andy1249


    don't you mean LIX ?

    LIX is 59 , a tenner short there lover !! ;)


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    #1221
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    don't you mean LIX ?

    roman numerals
    [lix =54 lxix=69 but i do like the lix


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    #1222
    dilallio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    While we're talking about 69's......



    What's the definition of a 69?
    A meal for two.

    Whats the definition of a 68?
    You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

    What's the definition of a 6.9?
    A 69 interrupted by a period :eek:


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    #1223
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    dilallio wrote: »
    While we're talking about 69's......



    What's the definition of a 69?
    A meal for two.

    Whats the definition of a 68?
    You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

    What's the definition of a 6.9?
    A 69 interrupted by a period :eek:

    Success !!!!!!!!!!!!!


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    #1224
    HeeBeeGeeBee
    Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭HeeBeeGeeBee


    One legged dog walks into a bar in the wild west. Says to the barman.....

    "I'M LOOKIN FOR THE MAN THAT SHOT MY PAW!"


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    #1225
    HeeBeeGeeBee
    Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭HeeBeeGeeBee


    Blind man walks past a fish counter.....

    "GOOD MORNING LADIES!!"


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    #1226
    HeeBeeGeeBee
    Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭HeeBeeGeeBee


    Guy walks into the doctors. Says...

    "Doctor I cant stop p*%!ing. I think there might be something wrong with me kiddleys!"

    Doc says...

    "Your kiddleys? Dont you mean your kidneys?"

    Man says..

    "I Said kiddley's diddle I?"


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    #1227
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I for one applaud Susan Boyle's underdog journey to stardom, and sincerely hope the money she makes goes some way to paying for the rest of the operation.


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    #1228
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    I bought a goldfish. Unfortunately it's epileptic.

    The weird thing is that if I leave it in it's bowl, it's OK.......


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    #1229
    jc7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    What do you call a dyslexic with a masters in English?

    A lair.


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    #1230
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,973 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


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    #1231
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,973 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife and I had an argument over whether or not I should have a vasectomy so we said we'd let the kids decide.

    I lost 13 - 12.


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