The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say

KlodaX · 15-01-2004 01:03AM

what time does the 2 O'Clock bus go at?

Faust · 15-01-2004 01:04AM

Originally posted by KlodaX
what time does the 2 O'Clock bus go at?

It's ireland what do you expect!?

Carbiens · 15-01-2004 01:42AM

me and a buddy hooked up our pc's at his place one day used a lil' 8 bit hub,
after about 30 hours of quake the network got a bit jumpy, so he turns to me and in his delirious state says "i think the hodge is dubby"

translation= i think the hub is dodgy.

think thats one of those "had to be there" moments though!

Praetorian · 15-01-2004 01:45AM

Someone once told me that the real Irish capital is actually Cork!!! Ha-ha-ha, did ye ever hear something so ridiculous in your life?

daveg · 15-01-2004 09:43AM

Not the funniest thing someone said - but rather funniest thing someone did - en ex GF of mine cooked us dinner around the Christmas time. Twas on the table when I got home from work. Spuds, veg gravy and mince pies. She thought they were "mince" pies. I shít you not.

woosaysdan · 15-01-2004 10:35AM

i was working in a bar and this yank comes in and says "uum let me see i think i'll have a pint of guyneness" (guinness) and i said "guinness" and to that he replied "no the black stuff guyneness"

Sleipnir · 15-01-2004 10:52AM

Working in a bar in Germany and this german guy orders his first Guinness (very proud of it he was too) and then when I handed it to him he said

"Ist ze cream on ze Guinness fresh?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

Jokah · 15-01-2004 10:55AM

English footballers/managers say the stupidest things.

Reading the 2003 quotes in Mary Hannigans Irish Times piece was so funny and the quotes dished out by footballers/managers in her weekly column.

Now I thought Joe Duffy was an intelligent man, but what he said at the start of the interview with Shay Given on the stage in Phoenix Park when the Irish Football team came home from Japan....

"Given by name, Given by nature"....

Ehhhhhhh yeah Joe....cue Tumbleweed...

I believe it was posted up on boards...but here is the link to that whole story...

A Day that will Live in Infamy

IgnatiusJRiley · 15-01-2004 11:06AM

Originally posted by clownboy
The best has to be the annoying country girl in my college.

One of the lads in my class asked her for a laugh do they have the meteric system in cavan. She replied "yeah, i get it home all the time." She must've of thought we are on about a metero system like the tube.

Waoh, you city folk are so damn intelligent with your METERIC and METERO systems. Have to say, I've been in the city for a while now and haven't heard of either of them. Obviously I'm just a thick country idiot. :rolleyes:

Lafortezza · 15-01-2004 11:14AM

These are all taken from an email I got a while back but funny nonetheless,

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
> for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked- "They seem cold out
> there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
>
> KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
> lining-up shots at the Scottish Open- "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
> other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
> Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
> wished he had a hard on now."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
> This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
> night."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
> this."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
> does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
> race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
> coming from different positions."
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
> didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
> inches you promised me last night?" - Not only did HE have to leave the
> set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
> US PGA Commentator -"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
> so well is that,before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
> kisses them
> Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
>
> METRO Radio -
> "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
> field."
>
> TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
> once rode her mother."
>
> NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
> Gibson comes inside of him."
>
> PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

moridin · 15-01-2004 11:26AM

Heh, I a friend of mine said that he was "holding down the fort" in work, so I said that I hoped it didn't turn into the alamo... after explaining what happened at the Alamo he said

"oh, is that the one with the wooden horse".

*grin*

elexes · 15-01-2004 12:23PM

at a lan with a few of my mates the day b4 stuff arrived from various online companies so we had brand new pcs built and running .

the day of the lan one of the guys come over to one of the pcs while on and pulls out the nic. there is a loud noize and the entire room goes silent everyone looks at him to which he says

It usualy works!!

sure enough i was fit to kill him about then but the pc turned on 5 mins later and i couldnt see any damage to hardware .

to this day he hasnt lived it down .

in work ive also had ppl ask " do u cut keys " / " do u sell dish washers " / " do u sell footspa's " i worked in a computer store .

viking · 15-01-2004 12:49PM

Was watching F1 on TV a few years ago and my girlfiend came in and was watching for a few minutes and then turned and said to me "Is that guy Frentzen sponsored by Heinz?"

Another one of her classics: she was sitting in the front of a car travelling on the motorway at 70mph while it was raining when she says "Why does the water travel up the windscreen?".

She cracks me up...

daveJAM · 15-01-2004 12:58PM

Working in tech support you get a few gems

That reminds me of another one. One day this guy rings up, we go through the troubleshoot, getting to the end and it obvious that the problem is with the guys PC, nothing I can do. So I explain the situation to him. Now the guy had already come out with a few gems alright but I wasn't expecting what came next!

"Argh, it's just so frustrating! It's like Doctor Who!"

DapperGent · 15-01-2004 01:06PM

A good one from my bird:

Me: "Why is that Pied Piper guy called the Pied Piper? What does pied mean?
Her: "Pied means he was dressed in black and white."
Me: "Oh."
Her "That's why Newcastle United are called the magpies."

There are more but she reads boards every so often and could well kill me.

Faust · 15-01-2004 01:17PM

Originally posted by IgnatiusJRiley
Waoh, you city folk are so damn intelligent with your METERIC and METERO systems. Have to say, I've been in the city for a while now and haven't heard of either of them. Obviously I'm just a thick country idiot. :rolleyes:

You're damn right you are tou uneducated ****!

And it's more funny than stupid but this guy had a t shirt that said "homosexuals are gay!" Classic..

Hal1 · 15-01-2004 01:39PM

Originally posted by Inf
A friend: "whats a musket"
Me: "an old gun"
Friend: "can it kill you?"
Me: <sarcasm>"no, it shoots bubbles"</sarcasm>

ROFL!

Dr. Loon · 15-01-2004 01:39PM

Originally posted by exiztone
Anything that's said in collarsup.net is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Each sentence (if you can call them that) tops the last.

Is that serious!?!? I've just browsed through the forums and it's ****in unblievable!?!? HIlarious. Read the thread "Wats the wierdest thing you've done when locked/stoned"

I can't believe this is real. Surely it's some sort of písstake.

daveJAM · 15-01-2004 01:44PM

Originally posted by Faust
You're damn right you are tou uneducated ****!

Think he was trying to point out that there's only one E in metric and metro.

IgnatiusJRiley · 15-01-2004 01:56PM

Was in a city/skanger shop and one of the "ladies" working there was talking about a friend who was going to Prague. Another one of the "ladies" working there asks "Prague, is that near Santa Ponsa?"

It's not that she doesn't know where Prague is, it's just her presumption that the world revolves around everywhere she's ever been

vibe666 · 15-01-2004 02:25PM

Originally posted by Faust
And it's more funny than stupid but this guy had a t shirt that said "homosexuals are gay!" Classic..

yeah, that's from www.tshirthell.com (OFFENSIVE CONTENT).

some classic t-shirts, but be warned, some of them a very tasteless (but funny).

One of my favourites was from a friend when I was living in Tenerife.

he's famous for being thick, but this wa s a classic.

we both worked in a local bar, and these two attractive and quite similar looking girls were in. they were best friends and by coinicdence they were both called natalie. having been talking to them for about 10 minutes he comes over to me and says, 'natalie & natalie are nice, I'd shag them anyway. do you think they're sisters?'

he still hasn't lived it down (amonst many others, too numourous to mention).

also, my grandmother had a new kitchen put in about 10 years ago, and was always very proud of it, showing it off to anyone that visited, proclaiming 'I got it from MI5, they fitted it and everything'. even after being told repeatedly that MI5 are government agents, and MFI fit kitchens, she still keeps getting it wrong.

this is the same woman who suggested her next door neighbour get some of that 'Niagra' and slipping it to her husband in his dinner, because her marriage was getting a bit stale.

she's just like nana moon in eastenders. an absolute diamond she is.

Faust · 15-01-2004 02:26PM

Originally posted by daveJAM
Think he was trying to point out that there's only one E in metric and metro.

It was sarcasm you fool!

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 15-01-2004 02:33PM

friend of mine overheard two skangers/knackers talking in an off license a while back about some different euro coins they had in their change, one of them was asking what country a euro came from.. and the other answered.
the first guy picked one up and asked what country it was from, to which his friend replied "i think that's an american euro".
my friend told me he and the girl behind the counter had to keep very very straight faces until the two lads left the shop

daveJAM · 15-01-2004 02:45PM

Originally posted by Faust
It was sarcasm you fool!

Exactly, he was making his point by using sarcasm!:rolleyes:

tba · 15-01-2004 03:45PM

of course he was

Gillie · 15-01-2004 03:54PM

While chatting in Pub with my Best Mate/Cousin (same person) we were discussing the state of the world as usual! :rolleyes:
Anyway the conversation went onto Terrorism etc. I was talking about some Sucicde attack and my genius friend mentions some guys name and announces to me:
"Sure your man has carried out a few Sucicide Bombings" (sp?)
My reponse was "he must not be very good at them then".

I know that this subject is not funny but that moment was!

GuanYin · 15-01-2004 04:05PM

"Do you think the 24 hour shop is still open?"

It took my brain a while to recover from the laughing.

Dr Pepper · 15-01-2004 04:13PM

Originally posted by lafortezza
These are all taken from an email I got a while back but funny nonetheless,

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
> for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked- "They seem cold out
> there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
>
> KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
> lining-up shots at the Scottish Open- "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
> other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
> Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
> wished he had a hard on now."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
> This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
> night."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
> this."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
> does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
> race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
> coming from different positions."
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
> didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
> inches you promised me last night?" - Not only did HE have to leave the
> set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
> US PGA Commentator -"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
> so well is that,before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
> kisses them
> Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
>
> METRO Radio -
> "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
> field."
>
> TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
> once rode her mother."
>
> NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
> Gibson comes inside of him."
>
> PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

F**king hilarious. Funniest thing I've seen on Borads by far!!!

kenmobrien · 15-01-2004 05:06PM

my brain doesn't seem to remember anything hilarious from my past, but one of the clueless lassys in my job today came out with one at brekkie.

It's raining hard outside, and she looks out and says, "Janey, it's like winter out there today, isn't it?"

To which I replied,"Well, it is winter".

i_am_dogboy · 15-01-2004 05:35PM

boards member vulture once said to me
"I dont really sleep all that much, I just get really tired and go unconscious"

Also had a former workmate of mine hand me a 5c(euro)coin and say "Where's this from, looks canadian"

Replied(sarcasm)"No they aren't joining 'till next year"

The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say

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