The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say

vibe666

again while living in tenerife, I was working in a bar on a marina (which had a concealed entrance/exit for the boats), and was frequently asked if you could walk/drive all the way round, to which my answer was either 'yes if you get a good run up', or 'yes, they lift all the boats over the wall with a crane'.

another classic is someone having been coming in the bar for their whole holiday and asking you if you live there when you're standing behind the bar and have been serving them every night. 'no, i commute'.

i also had one woman come right up to my face and say in a very loud voice enunciating every syllable 'DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?' to which I replied in my very english voice, 'no, but the lady at the back of the bar does, she might be able to help you'. the silly cow got halfway through the bar before she twigged. she didn't even look at me when she left rather red faced (about 15 regular customers had seen it happen and were all laughing at her).

I also had a german woman call me over and ask, 'what is FU-DU-GA'? I have no idea, can you see it on the menu? yes, it's here. no, that's fudge. fudge cake. oh, what's in it? er.....um......fudge.....and cake.

very hard to explain what's in it. in the end i just said it's a bit like chocolate, but more....er....chocolatey.

_sheep

Originally posted by vibe666

I also had one woman come right up to my face and say in a very loud voice enunciating every syllable 'DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?' to which I replied in my very english voice, 'no, but the lady at the back of the bar does, she might be able to help you'. the silly cow got halfway through the bar before she twigged. she didn't even look at me when she left rather red faced (about 15 regular customers had seen it happen and were all laughing at her).

HAHAH, excellent, best one so far

The Beer Baron

lafortezza - that's some funny shiat.

Although when it comes to all-out no frills stupidity well you can't beat RTE can you? Now I'm hardly the sports nut here but I just gotta take my hat off to the absolute stupidity of Irish sport commentators.

My aul fella always tells this story about Jimmy Magee. One of his favorite stories and I've heard it a thousand times but every time he tells it I break my **** laughing.

It's the Olympics- years ago ****ed if I know what year but Jimmy's covering the weightlifting in the true RTE tradition of having one jack of all trades commentator who doesn't know the slightest thing about weightlifting and he's rámeising to beat the band... ...and here he is ladies and gentlemen- Sergio Seramanov- the big man from the Ukraine and he's going to lift..."
well I dunno, twas a lot you can bet on that, and he was going to lift it over his head- a manuvore I believe is called the "Clean and Jerk"

(And so, Sergio lifts the the weight to his chest with a big manly grunt.)

"Oh what a man!"

(And over his head)

"...What a jerk!"

Classic sh1t.

Of course new kid on the block George Hamilton has his own classics, I still remember Italia 90- "And now Dino Baggio to Roberto Baggio- incedentally they're not brothers..."

5 minutes later, oh you all know this...

"And now....Roberto....back to his brother Dino....

"...Incedentally they're not brothers."

Stupid guy couldn't commentate on a fekkin egg and spoon race.
And then there's Peter Collins - who to me, ads just that special bit of caberet to F1. I wish someone out there put up a website of Peter Collins'isms- it'd really make my day.

Lafortezza

www.dangerhere.com
commentators at their best/worst

Töpher

Ah god, I swear I'm gonna shít myself laughin' at one of these soon!

Sarky

" My reading of the prophesies of Nostradamus has lead me to believe that I will be a leader in the AOA, the anti-antichrist as it were, who will aid in the creation of a world society after the death of "Mabus" "

I'm worried about that fellow, I really am...

Syth

Few years back my family was on holiday in Majorica, and we decided to rent an open topped jeep for the day to drive around. So we went to the rental company and looked at the jeeps (remember they have no roof), and my mum asked the salesman if they had air conditioning.

vibe666

i used to live with a girl who was a bit dippy. single mother, and nice as anythng, but not overly bright sometimes.

she had a 3 year old boy (Jack) who had a fluffy toy called mousey which he loved to death, and one day he was eating a piece of carrot (he loved them, so he'd get a piece almost daily to keep him quiet for a while wqhile he was watching TV or playing etc.

anyway, he was watching bugs bunny on telly, who also had a carrot he was eating and jack asks him mum if he can have a rabbit, so he can feed him some of his carrot. to which his mother replies 'why don't you give some to mousey. mousey's a rabbit isn't he.' (I'm guessing you figured out on your own what sort of toy 'mousey' was )

i don't think i've ever seen a 3 year old look so puzzled.

that was one she never lived down either, and i tell it quite a lot.

also, the same little boy around the same time had started shortening his words every now and again. 'have not' was becoming haven't, 'do not' was becoming don't etc. etc. and he was doing well, until it came to 'will not', which he had abbreviated to willn't. we kept trying to tell him that it was 'won't' but he still persisted with it for quite a while. i actually sat for a while, and if you consider how other phrases are abbreviated and apply the same rules to 'will not' it would seem that a 3 year old boy has noticed something that none of the rest of us have. that normally when abbreviating phrases with the word 'not' at the end you remove the 'o' and put a ' in it's place, but for some reason will not seems to be an exception. anyway even though technically i figured he had a point we kept trying to tell him it was 'won't', until he glared at us, crossed his arms, and exclaimed loudly 'I WILLN'T SAY WON'T!

you had to be there to see the look on his face. he was so serious. anyway, one of my all time favourites, and if anyone can tell me a valid reason why we don't say 'willn't' I'd love to know.

maxheadroom

Originally posted by vibe666
and if anyone can tell me a valid reason why we don't say 'willn't' I'd love to know.

Google is your friend

http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mwont.html

http://www.quinion.com/words/qa/qa-won1.htm

oneweb

Watching CrimeLine on RTE one night...

Marianne Finnucane: Now we move onto a vicious crime which took place <somewhere> <sometime>. With me is Superintendent <name>. Good evening Superintendent.

Superintendent:Good evening Marianne.

Marianne Finnucane: You've got something there, superintendent.

Superintendent:That's right, Marianne. This (holds it up), is a spoon.

As serious as you can get. I SWEAR to God, I pissed myself. I was in tears :'))

vibe666

Originally posted by maxheadroom
Google is your friend

as i keep telling others. :rolleyes:

anyway, thanks for that. i guess we willn't won't say willn't then.

or something.:dunno:

Töpher

Nice one oneweb, cracked up at that!

milltown

Many many moons ago we were hanging around on the local green and one of the lads had a golf club and ball with him. A mate takes a go of the club and ball, gives an almighty swing and almost hits the ball out of the green.
Another mate turns and says to him:

"For fúcks sake Stretch, you're not at Goffs now"

ykt0di9url7bc3

Me as a waiter..

<me> Would you like Tea or Coffee sir?
<customer> oh please!
<me> Would you like Tea OR Coffee sir?
<customer>...yes...please...
*me sighs
<me>Maybe you didnt hear me...you have the CHOICE of Tea OR Coffee..if you'd like some
<customer> Tea or Coffee is it?
<me>...I have to go to the Kitchen now...I'll be back in a second..okay sir?
<customer> Tea...No No....emm...
*me ****s off

Karoma

"You're wrong"

..to me...

yellum

Three words:

I Love You.

DMT

Originally posted by maxheadroom
Google is your friend
http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mwont.html

From above link
"Shan't be answering any more grammar questions"

Shouldn't that be "Shalln't"??

insomniac

My mate(who shall remain nameless) takes the biscuit:

1. So China's just a small island off the coast of Japan right?

2. If you leave grass grow will it grow into a tree?

3. Nameless: Sir, what's flatulence?
Teacher (awkwardly): It's, eh, releasing gas.
Nameless: You mean burping?
Teacher: Eh, no.......

4. Yeah I'd bend her over a small wall.



Chortle, chortle, chortle.......

Qualm

This is a really good thread, keep it up!

In history back in secondary school, discussing the famine, a bright lad pipes up and asks:

"Sir, who won the famine?"

To which, another bright young thing replies:

"Wasn't it Jason Orange?"

WTF!

(Jason Orange of Take-That fame, Jason of Orange being a figure in history)

Or, another good one from some of the people I call friends:

"If I wanted to be a natural blonde, I'd dye my hair!"

Many more from over the years, we wrote them all down, but i can't recall them now!!! :P

bizmark

So China's just a small island off the coast of Japan right?

ya a small island the size of the usa with 1.4 billion people lol

conZ

Originally posted by oneweb

Superintendent: That's right, Marianne. This (holds it up), is a spoon.

Ah., I see you've played knifey-spoony before.



Oh, forgot to add my own.

Know this guy in school - his names Greg. First year French, Christmas Exam, he writes down Gerg on his sheet. Now, 5 years on, we all call him Gerg by impulse.

Anyways, this Gerg person is just plain stupid, well he says the most stupid things, then goes all red when we laugh, making him look stupid too.
There are way too many stupid quotes to mention and remember, but...

Last week in Tech Drawing class, (he does honours mind) we were doing contours (skew bore-holes - where stratum are drilled at angles). Our teacher draws a cross on the board and labels each line North, South, East and West.

Gerg throws up the hand after a brief explanation by the teacher -
"Sir, do, say, North and South ever get switched around?".

I laughed.

nuvolari

more funny than stupid, but the guys i live with come up with some great stuff sometimes, such as:

'if you're not a homophobe, then put your penis in my mouth!'

Exit

Originally posted by Qualm
(Jason Orange of Take-That fame, Jason of Orange being a figure in history)

Sorry, but this goes down as one of them too! I think you'll find that the good Orangemen up north don't go around commemorating the victories of King Jayo.

DMT

Originally posted by Qualm
we wrote them all down, but i can't recall them now!!! :P

Can you not just read them then....?

nlgbbbblth

someone telling me why the Croker can't be used for soccer

- The goals are wrong
- the pitch is the wrong size

Hellrazer

Used to work with these 2 identical twins.
One day the 2 of them were arguing about something and one says to the other.

"You`re such an ugly ba$tard"

Classic!!

Dave

So one night we were drinking cans getting ready for a night out, and my girlfriend picks up one of my cans and tastes a bit, "Hmmm it's very appley." she says. It was cider.

And here's a classic:

A friend of mine works in the Fitzpatricks Hotel in Bunratty, which is right beside Bunratty Castle, which, anyone from clare will know, is right beside a dual carriage way. So, one of the Americans at the hotel asked my friend who was a porter, "Why did they build the castle so close to the highway?" He he he, aah, americans.

vibe666

Dave, my girlfriend uesd to work at Fitzpatricks and tells me that it was quite a common question from americans.

apparently their concept of history (and exactly how far back it goes) is very limited. something to do with there being very little left in america over 100 years old.

makes you wonder how they ever ended up on top doesn't it.

Panda

One weekend before xmas I started work in one of those "2 Euro" shops where it is clearly stated by the blatant posters on almost every shelf saying:

"Yes everything really is 2 Euro!!!"

While i was working there i had approx 15 to 20 people coming up to me asking:

"Sorry how much is this?"


What the ****?!?!?

I then quit the job on sunday evening. :dunno:

I reckon, being totally honest, that the STUPIDEST thing anybody EVAR said, was "I would like an application to work in your €2 store".


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