The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say

_sheep

Saw this on another forum i visit, some very very funnies stories, heres hoping its as good here, guess i better start with my own.

Working in tech support you get a few gems, had a woman claim that since she installed my companies software on her pc, her fridge-freezer stopped working, she wasnt joking either and wanted us to replace it asap (i didnt get her, but one of the lads did)

One time back in school we were doing a play about medieval times, one of my best mates asked the teacher :
"So was there black people back then......."

Years later he still hasnt lived it down.


Now you.....

tba

Friend of mine once asked what the average height of a tree was:rolleyes:

TheSonOfBattles

Another tech support one from the same company as _sheep. Got this call myself. Guy rings up, and says he just ordered the companys software and was waiting for it to arrive in the post. A day after he ordered it, his pc started acting up, and now nothing was working right. Was totally convinced that even though he had none of the companys software on his pc as yet, and had had no one from the company near his house, we'd broken his p.c. He demanded we fix it, and got irate when trying to convince him that it couldn't be our problem.

Dr Pepper

My sister [to my other sister]: You're such a blonde bimbo!
My other sister [angrily]: I'm NOT blonde!!

daveJAM

Are we limiting this to stuff the person intended to say or can we include stuff that just slipped out?

Yesterday a friend of mine told a female co-worker to "Pull up a sheep!"

Capt'n Midnight

How much are the penny sweets ?

And passing by a dairy "that's where they make the milk !" :rolleyes:

kano476

my ex girlfriend talking about counting crows concert:

ex: there must have been a million people there.
me: Really that Much? (sarcasm included)
ex: yeah i swear there was at least a million people at it.
me: right. so your saying about nearly one quarter of the population turned up for the counting crows?
ex: oh...... em maybe not.

intense slagging ensued.

another gem again with my ex:

Ex: wow look at that. (pointing into tramore bay)
me: what?
Ex: The shadow of the sun on the water.
me: eh, thats a cloud's shadow love. The sun doesent have a shadow.
ex: oh.......

and again slagging.

Faust

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
How much are the penny sweets ?

And passing by a dairy "that's where they make the milk !" :rolleyes:

penny sweets are now 2c....

tba

they still cost a penny

Faust

Originally posted by tba
they still cost a penny

I'll kill j00!

exiztone

Anything that's said in collarsup.net is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Each sentence (if you can call them that) tops the last.

blondie83

George W. Bush - I can sum up the responsibility of the government in one word, and that word is "to be prepared"

I laugh more and more every time I hear it:D

Kernel32

After spending 6 years in the USA I have heard a few funny questions. I am not slagging americans, I like them a lot and will be heading back there very soon to live, some just have a hard time understanding that life exists outside their country!

1. Is it winter in Ireland at the same time its winter here?
2. Why don't you celebrate thanksgiving/4th July/any american holiday in Ireland?
3. Do you celebrate Christmas/Halloween in Ireland?

I did some tech support work in a manufacturing company around 8 years ago, I got a call from a user one time saying their icons had fallen off the screen, I remember those exact words because the person was very serious. Turned out a toolbar in Excel had been removed.

dazberry

At a meeting one day with a web crowd...

Someone asks about W3 standards
One of the Web crowd reps retorts, "we use W2 standards"

Still trying to figure out what part of World Wide Web they've dropped

D.

Exit

I was talking with some dumb cow I used to work with, and let's just say we were talking about aspirin (can't remember what exactly we were talking about), she was complaining about someone saying it's bad for you or something and she said to me -

"What's wrong with aspirin? I mean, have you ever died from taking aspirin?"
"No love, can't say I have"

In college once, we were watching a film, and the guy goes to Sweden. He's speaking English to some people there, but then they start talking amongst themselves in Swedish (no subtitles). After about 3 or 4 minutes of them talking in Swedish, a dizzy girl sitting in the row in front of me turned to her friend and said "Are they speaking in a foreign language?"

blondie83

I did some tech support work in a manufacturing company around 8 years ago, I got a call from a user one time saying their icons had fallen off the screen, I remember those exact words because the person was very serious. Turned out a toolbar in Excel had been removed.

ROFL
OMG thats brilliant! Everyone in the computer room thinks I'm wierd now cos I've been laughing for the past two minutes at that!

The rest of your post reminds me of last Summer, was in LA with a few friends. We were waiting to get a bus home about 4am, and this taxi driver and his wife took pity on us and brought us home. Very nice people, but we were the first Irish people they'd ever met. Conversation went something like this:

Wife: So what language do you speak in Ireland?
Me: Well English mostly, although a few people still speak Irish
Wife: (doubtfully) Oh, I thought you spoke Welsh over there

and later on

Husband: So do you guys have any food shortages in Ireland?
Friend: Em no, no we don't
Husband: Are you sure, cos I heard something about a famine somewhere in Ireland
Friend: (trying really hard not to laugh) No that was 150 years ago, we're fine now!
Husband: (really doubtfully) So you've no food shortages at all then?
Friend: No, we've loads of food in Ireland!

I can't remember any of the rest of the conversation we had with them, but it was the funniest thing ever

sunbeam

I had to take my elderly mother for an appointment at a health board clinic about 40 miles from where I live. The appointment letter didn't give a street address so I rang them to ask where they were located.

Response: ''How should I know-I just work here''. :rolleyes:

Lemming

A girl in college said to me, being completely serious:

"I don't subscribe to the idea that all snow-flakes are different"

I stood there in abject horror, not even able to make a remark my brain was /that/ numbed

One of the guys made this legendary comment in 2nd year in college:

Him: "We're doing C this year right?"
Response: "Yeah".
Him: "What're we using next year?"
Response: "C++"
Him: "C++? What about C+"

Legend
We were in fits of laugther. He laughs it off himself whenever it's brought up. Sound bloke

Kernel32

I forgot this gem from some bright spark at the revenue commissioners. I had sent an email to them about a VAT question. After no reply for 6 weeks I called them, after getting my answer I then pointed out that I had emailed the question 6 weeks earlier and got no reply. He asked what email address I used, I said the one from the website and I read it out to him, it was vatinfo@revenue.ie . He responded by saying that I had sent it to the wrong email address, so I asked what the correct one was, he responded by saying he didn't know the correct address but he knows that wasn't the right one. Two weeks later I got a response by email from the address he was positive was the wrong one.

superconor

in religion class at my school, our teacher was goin on about the cost of funerals; "people are to proud to be buried in cardboard coffins" he then started to joke a bit: "people getting leather interiors and cd players in their coffins..." one girl popped her head up and enquired: "REALLY? You can get CD players in coffins?"

Then in my friends R.E class, someone asked if Jesus had a last name, the nun replied "no he didnt, no one did back then" when my friend tomas shouts out "but miss wasnt christ his last name?"

Barry Aldwell

An exchange between two brothers in my school:

"Where were you last night?"
"I was doing YORE MA!"
"..........we have the same ma"

Tomorrows leaders in action, ladies and gentlemen.

Inf

A friend: "whats a musket"
Me: "an old gun"
Friend: "can it kill you?"
Me: <sarcasm>"no, it shoots bubbles"</sarcasm>

Victor

From this site about indictors for bicycles http://www.bseen101.com/ - the quote "cars are guaranteed not to miss you" - I want cars to miss me!!!!

Originally posted by Inf
Me: <sarcasm>"no, it shoots bubbles"</sarcasm>

But Bubbles would die!

Gummy Panda

The best has to be the annoying country girl in my college.

One of the lads in my class asked her for a laugh do they have the meteric system in cavan. She replied "yeah, i get it home all the time." She must've of thought we are on about a metero system like the tube.

mycroft

I was in the US living with three born again christian college students (long story how I ended up there but anywho)

So I do the whole "gullible isn't in the dictionary" thang.

Y'know you turn to someone and say "guillble isn't in the dictionary". They go "yes it is" produce a dictionary look up "gullible" go "ha see it is there" you look at them, the penny drops and we all laugh at how stupid you are......

This guy didn't get it at all. He pulled out the dictionary produced gullible and went "see told you it was in the dictionary"..... No matter how hard I tried to explain to him the joke, he just didn't get it.....

Punch line is we're having "party" (they were born again christians hence the inverted comma's around party) And he turns to these girls he's chatting up and goes "hey this guy didn't think gullible was in the dictionary".......

Töpher

Originally posted by mycroft
And he turns to these girls he's chatting up and goes "hey this guy didn't think gullible was in the dictionary".......

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!

Töpher

Oh,
While my Nan was down here recently (long story!) she looked at my little brother and asked (he's 16, so she was dead serious...!):

"Which is it the rabbit likes, carrots or cheese?"

robbie1876

This happened just before the new year.

Was boarding a Ryanair flight at Stanstead coming back to Dublin, but the gangway thingy was broken. So they made us all troop down the emergency exit stairs, around the back of the gangway and up a the temporary steps to the plane.

Captain: "Welcome on board folks, and apologies that we made you walk down the stairs, around the back and up the steps, but I do sincerely hope that you all made it...."

deimos

Back in the days of doing transition year we were asked to fill out on a piece of paper at the end of the year the one most important thing we got out of transition year, the guy besides me writes "my england haz improved goudly"

Zascar

A customer care rep for my company based in in India sent me an e-mail asking me what my e-mail address was...

Talking to a person in the UK she asked me what Time Zone Ireland is in, and how many hours difference are there...

Take a look at this for some interesting reading on George W...

aodh_rua

Sat beside two guys on a bus with a new mobile. It had a single earpiece and the owner gave it to his mate to try out. The mate said powerful stuff - is it stereo?

KlodaX

what time does the 2 O'Clock bus go at?

Faust

Originally posted by KlodaX
what time does the 2 O'Clock bus go at?

It's ireland what do you expect!?

Carbiens

me and a buddy hooked up our pc's at his place one day used a lil' 8 bit hub,
after about 30 hours of quake the network got a bit jumpy, so he turns to me and in his delirious state says "i think the hodge is dubby"

translation= i think the hub is dodgy.

think thats one of those "had to be there" moments though!

Praetorian

Someone once told me that the real Irish capital is actually Cork!!! Ha-ha-ha, did ye ever hear something so ridiculous in your life?

daveg

Not the funniest thing someone said - but rather funniest thing someone did - en ex GF of mine cooked us dinner around the Christmas time. Twas on the table when I got home from work. Spuds, veg gravy and mince pies. She thought they were "mince" pies. I shít you not.

woosaysdan

i was working in a bar and this yank comes in and says "uum let me see i think i'll have a pint of guyneness" (guinness) and i said "guinness" and to that he replied "no the black stuff guyneness"

Sleipnir

Working in a bar in Germany and this german guy orders his first Guinness (very proud of it he was too) and then when I handed it to him he said

"Ist ze cream on ze Guinness fresh?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

Jokah

English footballers/managers say the stupidest things.

Reading the 2003 quotes in Mary Hannigans Irish Times piece was so funny and the quotes dished out by footballers/managers in her weekly column.

Now I thought Joe Duffy was an intelligent man, but what he said at the start of the interview with Shay Given on the stage in Phoenix Park when the Irish Football team came home from Japan....

"Given by name, Given by nature"....

Ehhhhhhh yeah Joe....cue Tumbleweed...

I believe it was posted up on boards...but here is the link to that whole story...

A Day that will Live in Infamy

IgnatiusJRiley

Originally posted by clownboy
The best has to be the annoying country girl in my college.

One of the lads in my class asked her for a laugh do they have the meteric system in cavan. She replied "yeah, i get it home all the time." She must've of thought we are on about a metero system like the tube.

Waoh, you city folk are so damn intelligent with your METERIC and METERO systems. Have to say, I've been in the city for a while now and haven't heard of either of them. Obviously I'm just a thick country idiot. :rolleyes:

Lafortezza

These are all taken from an email I got a while back but funny nonetheless,

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
> for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked- "They seem cold out
> there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
>
> KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
> lining-up shots at the Scottish Open- "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
> other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
> Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
> wished he had a hard on now."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
> This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
> night."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
> this."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
> does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
> race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
> coming from different positions."
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
> didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
> inches you promised me last night?" - Not only did HE have to leave the
> set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
> US PGA Commentator -"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
> so well is that,before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
> kisses them
> Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
>
> METRO Radio -
> "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
> field."
>
> TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
> once rode her mother."
>
> NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
> Gibson comes inside of him."
>
> PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

moridin

Heh, I a friend of mine said that he was "holding down the fort" in work, so I said that I hoped it didn't turn into the alamo... after explaining what happened at the Alamo he said

"oh, is that the one with the wooden horse".

*grin*

elexes

at a lan with a few of my mates the day b4 stuff arrived from various online companies so we had brand new pcs built and running .

the day of the lan one of the guys come over to one of the pcs while on and pulls out the nic. there is a loud noize and the entire room goes silent everyone looks at him to which he says

It usualy works!!

sure enough i was fit to kill him about then but the pc turned on 5 mins later and i couldnt see any damage to hardware .

to this day he hasnt lived it down .

in work ive also had ppl ask " do u cut keys " / " do u sell dish washers " / " do u sell footspa's " i worked in a computer store .

viking

Was watching F1 on TV a few years ago and my girlfiend came in and was watching for a few minutes and then turned and said to me "Is that guy Frentzen sponsored by Heinz?"

Another one of her classics: she was sitting in the front of a car travelling on the motorway at 70mph while it was raining when she says "Why does the water travel up the windscreen?".

She cracks me up...

daveJAM

Working in tech support you get a few gems

That reminds me of another one. One day this guy rings up, we go through the troubleshoot, getting to the end and it obvious that the problem is with the guys PC, nothing I can do. So I explain the situation to him. Now the guy had already come out with a few gems alright but I wasn't expecting what came next!

"Argh, it's just so frustrating! It's like Doctor Who!"

DapperGent

A good one from my bird:

Me: "Why is that Pied Piper guy called the Pied Piper? What does pied mean?
Her: "Pied means he was dressed in black and white."
Me: "Oh."
Her "That's why Newcastle United are called the magpies."

There are more but she reads boards every so often and could well kill me.

Faust

Originally posted by IgnatiusJRiley
Waoh, you city folk are so damn intelligent with your METERIC and METERO systems. Have to say, I've been in the city for a while now and haven't heard of either of them. Obviously I'm just a thick country idiot. :rolleyes:

You're damn right you are tou uneducated ****!

And it's more funny than stupid but this guy had a t shirt that said "homosexuals are gay!" Classic..

Hal1

Originally posted by Inf
A friend: "whats a musket"
Me: "an old gun"
Friend: "can it kill you?"
Me: <sarcasm>"no, it shoots bubbles"</sarcasm>

ROFL!

Dr. Loon

Originally posted by exiztone
Anything that's said in collarsup.net is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Each sentence (if you can call them that) tops the last.

Is that serious!?!? I've just browsed through the forums and it's ****in unblievable!?!? HIlarious. Read the thread "Wats the wierdest thing you've done when locked/stoned"

I can't believe this is real. Surely it's some sort of písstake.

daveJAM

Originally posted by Faust
You're damn right you are tou uneducated ****!

Think he was trying to point out that there's only one E in metric and metro.

IgnatiusJRiley

Was in a city/skanger shop and one of the "ladies" working there was talking about a friend who was going to Prague. Another one of the "ladies" working there asks "Prague, is that near Santa Ponsa?"

It's not that she doesn't know where Prague is, it's just her presumption that the world revolves around everywhere she's ever been