The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 04-04-2022 11:00pm

I don't like to brag about my wealth, but yesterday, I had the heating on

fryup · 04-04-2022 11:19pm

and you drove to your local grocery store😉

Capt'n Midnight · 11-04-2022 11:39pm

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

FraserburghFreddie · 13-04-2022 4:12pm

Guy in office:"My computer just went down on me!"

Lady in next office:"Which button did you press to get that???"

FraserburghFreddie · 14-04-2022 1:48pm

Benefits of a good vocabulary...

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed until,upon further inquiry,I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision..

Capt'n Midnight · 14-04-2022 11:42pm

My Aunty is 80% Irish. Iris

magicbastarder · 21-04-2022 2:52pm

me: tell me what you know about atoms

my friend: very little, actually

me: well yes, but besides that

Capt'n Midnight · 21-04-2022 9:13pm

I come from a long line of Cocaine addicts.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-04-2022 9:14pm

Why is it spelled 'camouflage' and not

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2022 8:19pm

"Hilarious scenes at The Crucible as a pigeon flies onto the table at World Snooker Championship"

What's so amazing about that? I once saw a Parrott win the whole tournament.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2022 8:22pm

It's a bit cloudy today.

Maybe I should see a urologist.

joeguevara · 25-04-2022 8:09pm

About 2 weeks ago out of sheer boredom I set up a TikTok account just to tell jokes.

This one has 833k views in 5 days. Hopefully find it funny

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMLpmTn4F/

New Home · 25-04-2022 9:14pm

^^^

(Should be in the same category as clickbait)

joeguevara · 25-04-2022 9:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118976246#Comment_118976246

Apologies if it looked like that…just thought it was funny

New Home · 25-04-2022 10:08pm

🙂 That's ok - just because I didn't like doesn't mean nobody did. I just thought it would have been funnier to read it, I wasn't too gone on the delivery.

Anyway, here's another atrocious joke:

Child: "Mammy, Daddy is disgusting!"

Mother: "Shut up and eat!".

Capt'n Midnight · 26-04-2022 1:15am

When the Pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down.

He said it's not the same since Carol Vorderman left.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-04-2022 11:46pm

BREAKING: World's biggest clown purchases world's largest circus.

iamstop · 27-04-2022 9:07pm

Two cannibals eating a clown:

Cannibal 1: Does this taste funny to you?

fryup · 27-04-2022 10:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118981876#Comment_118981876

i don't get it?😶

Gloomtastic! · 27-04-2022 10:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118986016#Comment_118986016

I think it’s a reference to Musk buying Twitter. Funny! 🙄

M.T. Cranium · 28-04-2022 12:40am

I am pleased to announce the arrival of a new sport, one-man boxing.

Give it a try. Knock yourself out.

joeguevara · 29-04-2022 10:25am

It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

iamstop · 29-04-2022 8:54pm

What did the octogenarian pirate say?

I'm eighty!

Suckit · 30-04-2022 12:12am

3 boys are talking in the playground.

The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world."

"How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies.

"That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!

" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the fookin house for 2."

Capt'n Midnight · 01-05-2022 9:34pm

What do you call two crows that are stuck together?

Velcrows.

cj maxx · 02-05-2022 10:03pm

Capt'n Midnight · 09-05-2022 9:41pm

What do mermaids like to smoke?

Sea weed.

How do you stop smoking sea weed?

Sea kelp.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-05-2022 11:04pm

My inflatable house got a puncture last night. Now I'm living in a flat.

M.T. Cranium · 19-05-2022 5:20am

You might have to change attire.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-05-2022 8:52pm

Having a candlelit dinner with the wife tonight. The electric bill's just arrived.

fryup · 24-05-2022 11:06am

one advantage of having Monkeypox is...

You're able to eat bananas with your feet 😋

but unfortunately people will stare at your big red ass 😚

B.A._Baracus · 25-05-2022 12:16pm

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'What is this, a joke?'

TheBody · 25-05-2022 8:12pm

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology of their music.

Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

TheBody · 26-05-2022 12:09am

I fell through the roof of the French bakery I work in. I'm in a lot of pain.

The Princess Bride · 04-06-2022 4:49pm

I made myself a belt from herbs.

It bloody broke, what a waist of thyme.

TheBody · 04-06-2022 4:51pm

I've built a model of Mount Everest. It's not to scale.

It's just to look at.

The Princess Bride · 05-06-2022 6:16pm

I was waiting in line for the toilets when Diana Ross came running in and tried to jump the queue.

I told her, "You can't hurry, love, you'll just have to wait..."

Mullinabreena · 13-06-2022 9:50pm

My friend thought he could save money building his own house by doing the wiring himself. Unfortunately it didn't work out for him. Brown to live, green/yellow to earth, blue to fuçking bits.

ctrl-alt-delete · 13-06-2022 10:15pm

I was convinced thinking back to my youth that Jacob's Figrolls and Fox's had combined to make a glacier mint.

Turns out it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

TheBody · 13-06-2022 11:06pm

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but sometimes it can be a tight squeeze to get into the driver’s seat.

FraserburghFreddie · 14-06-2022 6:24am

Are you sweating while putting gas in your tank?

Feeling sick when paying for it?

You've got the carownervirus!

iptba · 03-07-2022 2:09am

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

FraserburghFreddie · 03-07-2022 9:46pm

**BREAKING NEWS**

Cross-eyed circumciser gets the sack...

FraserburghFreddie · 10-07-2022 6:19am

So I was standing there yesterday morning drinking coffee in my slippers when I thought I'll have to wash some cups.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-07-2022 2:15pm

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas,”

“How he got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.”

Groucho Marx.

TheBody · 24-07-2022 8:44pm

My friend has got a really stressful job proofreading Braille transcripts of songs by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie.

He's feeling Under Pressure.

TheBody · 24-07-2022 8:44pm

I got down on one knee in the hospital carpark yesterday.

I proposed to a nurse.

She turned me down on medical grounds.

fryup · 25-07-2022 1:33pm

young lad comes home from school and says....

'mummy mummy what's a Lesbian?'

Mother replies...'ask your father when she comes home'

08-08-2022 9:29am

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

TheBody · 08-08-2022 10:52am

The inventor of distorted mirrors has died.

His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.