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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #2912
    lbc2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,291 ✭✭✭lbc2019


    Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

    Me: ok

    Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

    Me: oh no


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    #2913
    aaqil jettson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭aaqil jettson


    Knock knock!

    Come in

    ....


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    #2914
    Sharp MZ700
    Registered Users Posts: 673 ✭✭✭Sharp MZ700


    aaqil jettson wrote: »
    Knock knock!

    Come in

    ....

    4 dots who?


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    #2915
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    I have a friend who didn't believe me when I told her there's such a thing as Sea Holly.

    She's a holly coast denier.


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    #2916
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    I saw the Apple shop being robbed in town today.

    I'm an iWitness


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    #2917
    aaqil jettson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭aaqil jettson


    Knock knock!

    who's there?

    Labrinth,

    come in


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    #2918
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,112 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    aaqil jettson wrote: »
    Knock knock!

    who's there?

    Labrinth,

    come in

    Knock Knock

    Who's there?

    Labyrinth.

    Get lost!


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    #2919
    waynescales1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭waynescales1


    "If there's a bad book keeping joke, IIIII haven't heard it."



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    #2920
    aaqil jettson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭aaqil jettson


    Eating a clock is very...... Time consuming


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    #2921
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,985 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    aaqil jettson wrote: »
    Eating a clock is very...... Time consuming

    Especially when you go back for seconds.....


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    #2922
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Don't even attempt the minute steak..


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    #2923
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,112 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Suckit wrote: »
    Don't even attempt the minute steak..

    It's fine when you add some Thyme. :D


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    #2924
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Doctor : you have 4 minutes to live Me : play Wuthering Heights Doctor : but it's 4:26 God : it's ok


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    #2925
    aaqil jettson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭aaqil jettson


    Me: Doc, how long have i got?

    Doc: ten...

    Me: ten what? years? months?

    Doc: nine...


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    #2926
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    What did the drummer name his twin daughters?






























    Anna one, Anna two


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    #2927
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

    And I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.


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    #2928
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer.



    How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

    He doesn't know when to come in.



    How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?


    You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.




    What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?

    A tattoo.




    Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?

    So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


    How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

    Take the Pizza sign off of it.



    What's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer?

    No much



    Why do drummers have lots of kids?

    They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.



    A customer walks into the brand new store downtown that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering gray brain. The first one says "SCIENTIST", and it costs $100. The second says "ELECTRICIAN" and costs $1000. The third says "DRUMMER" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
    "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an scientist's brain for $100?".

    The salesman replied, "Because, it's never been used."




    What's the difference between a drummer and a government bond?

    Government bonds mature and make money.


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    #2929
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,328 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    I would expect some repercussions.


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    #2930
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,985 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

    A drummer.



    How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

    He doesn't know when to come in.



    How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?


    You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.




    What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?

    A tattoo.




    Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?

    So you don't have to retrain the drummer.


    How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

    Take the Pizza sign off of it.



    What's the difference between a drummer and shoes in a dryer?

    No much



    Why do drummers have lots of kids?

    They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.



    A customer walks into the brand new store downtown that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering gray brain. The first one says "SCIENTIST", and it costs $100. The second says "ELECTRICIAN" and costs $1000. The third says "DRUMMER" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.
    "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an scientist's brain for $100?".

    The salesman replied, "Because, it's never been used."




    What's the difference between a drummer and a government bond?

    Government bonds mature and make money.

    And my favourite drummer joke.....


    How do you know if the band stage is level?


    Equal amounts of drool coming out of each side of the drummer's mouth


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    #2931
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,012 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Back in my day you could go into a shop with a pound and come out with a can of Coke, an ice pop and a bag full of penny sweets.
    Nowadays...
    CCTV is everywhere.

    To thine own self be true



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    #2932
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    everlast75 wrote: »
    And my favourite drummer joke.....

    What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

    You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.


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    #2933
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song “Start Me Up” be used for a Windows 95 commercial?

    Because it contains the lyrics “You’d make a grown man cry.”


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    #2934
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

    Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

    John: Nah

    George: Nah

    Ringo: Nah

    George Martin: Nah

    Paul: Perfect!


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    #2935
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

    I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...


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    #2936
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Chuck Norris once went on a vacation to the UK. Feeling thirsty, he went into an English bar and ordered and drank 234 pints of unfiltered whiskey. When asked to pay his tab, Chuck responded with a massive belch that lasted for 8 hours and 41 minutes. A nearby sound studio managed to record the amazing sound, and today we know this as the Beatles' White Album.


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    #2937
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,328 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Oh come on, it's not that good.


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    #2938
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Thank heaven for venetian blinds!
    or it'll be curtains for all of us....


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    #2939
    the beer revolu
    Registered Users Posts: 16,765 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

    And I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

    I know him, he's a sound Czech!


  • Options
    #2940
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,719 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

    "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

    "Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

    "But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

    "Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."


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    #2941
    foxy farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All of the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well at least for most people not unfortunately for Brendan Quinn a man of heavy heart and no wonder in the scramble to enjoy every minute of the whole day he'd hit the pub at a 100 miles an hour and before knowing as he had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realized that Christmas or not he was skint.
    What made it was was that he had not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do how to explain it all to darling Betty. Think quick Quinn think quick or die. As if the almighty were guiding his steps Brendan found himself outside Dalys butcher shop and there was Dalys dog. BING! an idea formed in brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump he shoved the lead into the dog's ass and began pumping air. Gradually little-by-little the dog began to swell when I was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daly the butcher.
    Is this your dog he demanded
    it is but it looks bigger .
    It certainly is bigger snorted Quinn because it ate our Christmas turkey and ham
    Many apologies spluttered Daly please let me make it up to you help yourself to turkey ham sausages and whatever else you want.
    Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction to totally enjoy the festive season.
    It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daly again. As he passed the butchers he noticed the front windows smashed and Daly boarding it up.
    What happened asked Quinn Burglars vandals?No answered Daly the strangest thing I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to pump up the tire the dog look took one look at the pump and jumped straight out through the window.


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