The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Redneck Reject

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

sligojoek

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if your female xy if you are male .

However there are other variations.

There is XYYsyndrome and Klinefelter syndrome XXY, Trisomy or triple X syndrome, and even a case in Australia of Tetrasomy where a child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

She wasn't a Foster child so.

RobMc59

A German tourist jumped into the water to save my precious little dog.
He said,"here is ze dog,dry him he vill be fine"
I said "are you a vet"?
He said"vet?"...I'm f*cking soaking!"

ArnoldJRimmer

I was walking through the Olympic village in London a few years back and met a guy carrying an eight foot long metal stick

'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked

'No,' said the man, 'I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?'

byrner88

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

major bill

Fred West's son kept getting sent home from maths class in school.The Teacher kept saying to him.."How many times have I told you.There is not thirty-two feet in a yard."

Oscar1978

major bill wrote: »

Fred West's son kept getting sent home from maths class in school.The Teacher kept saying to him.."How many times have I told you.There is not thirty-two feet in a yard."

Johnny comes home from school,
Dad: why so glum Johnny?
Johnny: Teacher gave me detention.
Dad: why ?
Johnny: in maths , the teacher asked what's 2x3 and hi said 6.... then asked what's 3x2 ...
Dad: what's the ****ing difference?
Johnny: that's exactly what I said !!!

Capt'n Midnight

The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lay on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ....

I thought it was Fred Flintstone

byrner88

Gardai have confirmed a man has been arrested in Kerry after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

seagull

Why do Australians drink xxxx?

Because they can't spell beer.

M5

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I've fed him three of them

TheBody

I've been listening to the same drum solo on repeat all day. I'm afraid there will be repercussions

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the German policeman look at his belly button?

Because it was under a vest...

RobMc59

I just spent €1000 to hire a limousine and found out it doesn't come with a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

My son asked me to explain women to me, so I bought him an Xbox game for his PlayStation.

RobMc59

"Have you heard of "Murphy's law?"
"Yeah"
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong it will go wrong ".
"Right,have you heard of Cole's law?"
"No,what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

Redneck Reject

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

christy c

The man who invented autocorrect had died, may he roast in piss.

Capt'n Midnight

How does a Bullfighter take his Coffee?

Au Lait.

Booms

Sad to hear the inventor of Velcro has died.
May he RRRRRRRRIP!

byrner88

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner at my place tonight, think you can make it?"

She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe."

I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself."

Capt'n Midnight

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

Capt'n Midnight

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right ..... Arthurization.

byrner88

I accidentally dropped a piece of paper into a rockery. Utter carnage. The rocks never stood a chance.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

don't get it

valoren

What do you call an Italian who says they need a makeover?

Luca Da Cutamia

Buford T. Justice XIX

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^

don't get it

Rock, paper, scissors.

byrner88

I just got a new job as a street cleaner!

Turns out there’s not much training involved, you just pick stuff up as you go along

Capt'n Midnight

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak....now you say "Control freak who?" and then I deliver the punchline.