The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88

My daughter has been on the carousel for over an hour now.

I would get her off if I could remember which suitcase she was in.

byrner88

A mother travelled 2000 miles across the world to be with her only son on the day he received his Air Force Wings,
and also got married the same evening .
"Thanks for coming" ,
he said later,
"It meant so much to me" .

"I would'nt have missed it,
she said .
"After all,
it's Not every day a mother can watch her son get Wings in the morning and have them Clipped in the evening"

waynescales1

Caller: "Hello? I've got a cow stuck in my fridge!"

Technician: "Is it Friesian?"

Caller: "No it's still warm but I need to get the cow out quick!"

Sheridan81

Jeffrey Dahmer called up the Samaritans for help.

"Whatever you do, don't put your head in the oven!"

"But it's getting cold."

Ted_YNWA

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

"This takes me back"

TheChevron

Sheridan81 wrote: »

Jeffrey Dahmer called up the Samaritans for help.

"Whatever you do, don't put your head in the oven!"

"But it's getting cold."

fryup

^^ Jeffrey Dahmer used to eat body parts (he was a serial killer)

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

tayto lover

Deleted User wrote: »

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

They were “straw men”.

Capt'n Midnight

My nickname at school was scarface

I was only deadly at knitting

Capt'n Midnight

Top Tip :

Your current girlfriend doesn't like being referred to as your current girlfriend.

byrner88

I just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator.

Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a ****ing fortune on batteries.

byrner88

I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".

At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

TheChevron

Sad news about the passing of Uncle Ben.

No more Mr. Rice Guy

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

So if he had them for breakfast, would that make him a cereal killer?

He always liked to get a head in the morning...

tayto lover

A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it’s like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks.
He meets a very good looking woman and buys her drink all night. Soon he realizes that he hasn’t found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her.
When they arrive at her house she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and she joins him. They have a great night of sex.

About a month later he’s at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says “ Paddy you visited London a few weeks ago and you met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex”. The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he’s going to do about it.

Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he’ll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^

When the KGB tried to blackmail Indonesian President Achmed Sukarno with videotapes of the president having sex with Russian women disguised as flight attendants, Sukarno wasn't upset. He was pleased. He even asked for more copies of the video to show back in his country.

Capt'n Midnight

Over in the UK a Government of National Unity is being considered by all Westminster parties, to save them from a potentially disastrous episode of democracy.

Capt'n Midnight

The wife burst in on me having sex

"How could you do this to me with my sister?!"

I said "It's not what it looks like!"

She said "How the fúck isn't it?!"


I said "It's actually your mother in a school uniform"

Capt'n Midnight

I was tied naked face down on the bench when the Dominatrix entered the room.

She showed me a very large onion and said " this is going to make your eyes water."


I replied "thank god for that I thought you were going stick something up my AAAAAARRGH"

byrner88

A bloke goes into Tesco and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man goes on his way.

Later the manager says to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Glasgow sir," the boy replies. "Really? Why did you leave Glasgow?" the manager asks.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow!!"

"You're kidding?" Says the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

fr336

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

RobMc59

.

A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin my child?” The priest asked kindly.

“I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week.”

“You are forgiven,” The priest told the man. “Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week.”

This time the priest had to ask. “Who is this Fanny Green person?”

“She’s new to the parish,” was the reply.

The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: “Is that Fanny Green?”

“No sir,” the altar-boy replied. “I think it’s the reflection from her shoes!”

.

byrner88

Dennis Taylor was my favourite snooker player. He played in some massive frames.

Now he prefers contact lenses.

M.T. Cranium

This is why he no longer fears accidentally sinking the 6-ball.

Illgetmycoat

what did the banana say to the vibrator?

What the **** are you shaking for she is going to eat me!!!

Illgetmycoat

An old woman at the bank machine (ATM) seemed like she was having trouble so I asked her if she needed any help,

She told me she did she asked me to check her balance,

so I pushed her

byrner88

Kenny Dalglish decides to come out of retirement and play for Liverpool, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man U. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Kenny looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kenny goes out to play Man U by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Liverpool 1 (Dalglish 10 minutes) – Man U 0
He is beating Man U all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from Anfield: Liverpool 1 (Dalglish 10 minutes) – Man U 1 (Sanchez 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man U! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Kenny, you got a draw against Man U all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Kenny says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!

byrner88

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today and it was the first time I'd met her parents...

What a pair of miserable ****ers

byrner88

Just walked through someone's cloud of vape smoke and came out the other side as 'Cher' on 'Stars in their Eyes.'