one advantage of having Monkeypox is...
You're able to eat bananas with your feet 😋
but unfortunately people will stare at your big red ass 😚
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'What is this, a joke?'
The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology of their music.
Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.
I fell through the roof of the French bakery I work in. I'm in a lot of pain.
I made myself a belt from herbs.
It bloody broke, what a waist of thyme.
I've built a model of Mount Everest. It's not to scale.
It's just to look at.
I was waiting in line for the toilets when Diana Ross came running in and tried to jump the queue.
I told her, "You can't hurry, love, you'll just have to wait..."
My friend thought he could save money building his own house by doing the wiring himself. Unfortunately it didn't work out for him. Brown to live, green/yellow to earth, blue to fuçking bits.
I was convinced thinking back to my youth that Jacob's Figrolls and Fox's had combined to make a glacier mint.
Turns out it was just a fig mint of my imagination.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but sometimes it can be a tight squeeze to get into the driver’s seat.
Are you sweating while putting gas in your tank?
Feeling sick when paying for it?
You've got the carownervirus!
It keeps the kids from it.
And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Cross-eyed circumciser gets the sack...
So I was standing there yesterday morning drinking coffee in my slippers when I thought I'll have to wash some cups.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas,”
“How he got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.”
Groucho Marx.
My friend has got a really stressful job proofreading Braille transcripts of songs by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie.
He's feeling Under Pressure.
I got down on one knee in the hospital carpark yesterday.
I proposed to a nurse.
She turned me down on medical grounds.
young lad comes home from school and says....
'mummy mummy what's a Lesbian?'
Mother replies...'ask your father when she comes home'
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
The inventor of distorted mirrors has died.
His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
I've been offered the lead role in a movie about heavy metal.
Heavy metal jokes are golden!
tend to sink very fast though
***Man hit by flying power tool.*
He said that "Everything was fine..then bosch!"
If he got hit by a certain other brand, he would have blacked out after getting decked.
I have to say, this reflects badly on his family.
Respect people who wear glasses,
They paid good money to see you!
Guess who I bumped into while I was getting my glasses fixed?
EVERYONE!
***BREAKING NEWS ***
A Chinise restaurant has been hit with a €10k electricity bill,they said they can't turn off all the lights,but they do dim sum.
![Photo of [Deleted User]](https://wd.vanillicon.com/v2/d96cd5eb793ec44f833dd8d0bb2a52ac.svg)
