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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream...



    I can't wait to rub it in.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Did you know Yoda had a last name? Layheehoo.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    'Unreleased Ed Sheeran song accidentally played during copyright hearing-'


    "It was unreleased for a bloody reason!" Sobbed one of the reporters afterwards-



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    for the week that's in it...

    Paddy walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears.

    The doctor asked him - What happened to your ears?

    Paddy replied - "I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear"

    Still not satisfied, the doctor asked - Well, what happened to the other ear?

    "The feker called again!!" Paddy replied 😋



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,154 everlast75
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    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

    swimming around in the sea, one called Justin, the other called

    Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by

    sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed-up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

    A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


    Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.


    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best

    friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.


    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,

    Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gates

    memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's

    me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!" Christian

    replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and

    I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back " No, I'm

    not.That was the old me. I've changed, I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again

    Christian."

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 514 FraserburghFreddie
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    Not surprised to find out I've lost my job at the graffiti removal company.

    The writings been on the wall for a while now.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,553 lmimmfn
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    I deleted all my Mexican friends numbers from my phone, now i have no Juan

    Ignoring idiots who comment "far right" because they don't even know what it means



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    for the week that's in it....

    Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint😋



  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,382 iamstop
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Guy goes into a bar all hasty like and asked for 2 pints of Guinness, 3 Long Islands and 2 shots of Jagger and 3 shots of tequila.

    The bar tender rushes the order as the guy clearly seems to be in some kind of a hurry.

    As the drinks are being serves the lad is necking them back. The bartender is a bit amazed by the rush of it all.

    After the last shot is served and quickly knocked back the bartender says "Is everything alright? You drank a lot in a hurry there"

    The lads say, "Well you'd be drinking in a hurry to if you had what I have!"

    "Oh?" Says the bartender, confused. "Well what have you got? He enquires.

    The lad reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bunch of small change and throws it at the bartender.

    "Only a few coins!" he yells as he runs out of the bar.



  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,382 iamstop
    Mod ✭✭✭✭




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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,945 ohnonotgmail
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    I can count on both hands how many times that has happened to me. Twice.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    for the week that's in it....

    Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were about to be executed by firing squad on a tropical island.

    Paddy Englishman was first up, 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouts "TIGER!!!" the guards panicked and he ran away. Paddy Scotsman was next. 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouts "TIDAL WAVE!!!" The guards panicked and he ran away. Paddy Irishman was last. 3...2...1... Just before they shoot he shouts "FIRE!!!"😋



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    for the day that's in it....

    our good friend's Paddy & Mick were looking through a catalogue

    Paddy says:

    Begob! would you look at the women in this they're gorgeous and their prices are reasonable to!

    Mick agrees with Paddy and says

    "Right i’m ordering one right now!"

    A few days later Paddy says to Mick

    "Has your woman showed up yet?"

    “No” says Mick

    "But it shouldn’t be long now her clothes arrived yesterday"😋



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    After six years in an Iranian prison, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe has been released and returned to the UK.


    Just in time for Priti Patel to deport her.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
    ✭✭✭✭


    my last Paddy joke for the day that's in it....

    Mary says to Paddy if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

    “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.

    “What’s so special about him?” asks a disappointed Mary

    “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy😋



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,604 hawley
    ✭✭✭


    A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make 500,000 euro a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”


    The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”


    “Um, no,” mumbled the director.


    “Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”


    “I … I … I had no idea.”


    “So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

    Communication was the greatest fatality



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 Suckit
    ✭✭✭✭


    Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to stop it at €30.

    I've just missed it and it went to €43.62.



  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,382 iamstop
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Stolen from twitter:

    If you find yourself sweating when using a petrol pump and then feel sick when paying, you've probably got Carownervirus.

    Next time before you use the pump, put on a mask and then drive away quickly before paying.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,645 TheBody
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    I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.

    Just hope I can pull it off.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Two packets of Walkers crisps have been sent to the International Space Station after reports that they were running low on air.



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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I just won €10,000 on a scratchcard. Can anyone lend me a tenner so I can pay the gas bill ?



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Closing down sale at Chelsea FC. Everything Moscow



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 514 FraserburghFreddie
    ✭✭✭


    Mother-in-law came to dinner and said:"Why does the dog keep looking at me?"

    I said:"Because you`re using his plate!"



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
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    is this joke implying that Walker's are stingey with the amount of crisps? or something else?😶



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 Suckit
    ✭✭✭✭




  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    I tell women that I'm responsible for a large team of web developers.


    I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit with a spider infestation.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,271 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    What did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock’s face?

    Fresh prints.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 fryup
    ✭✭✭✭


    newspaper around the world were leading with headlines...

    'Men in Whack!'



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 514 FraserburghFreddie
    ✭✭✭


    Fuel prices are so high that taxi drivers have started to take the shortest route..



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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 78,396 New Home
    Mod ✭✭✭✭




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